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Can we talk about stone walling please?

(63 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Thu 18-Apr-13 23:58:17

My bloke has just dumped me by email (classy) after a very short but intense relationship. All the warning signals were there. A major one for me was the stone walling. I noticed that every time I had an issue with the realtionship he would go very cold and refuse to discuss. He percieved it as a very personal attack.
Last Friday he came round as usual, we got pissed and I tried to initiate sex. he didn't want it which is fair enough but I had a little strop (immature I know) and said I felt rejected. he did reassure me but I didn't really remmebr the conversation and we ended up having very rough sex. I do like rough sex but this just felt wierd and different from normal. The next day I got cystitus.We spent the next evening togather and no sex due to cystitus.
On Monday I was still feeling wierd about the wierd rejection/sex thing and then texted him. I think I bruised his pride. However he kept ignoring me and refusing to take my calls....for most of the week. It drove me a bit potty. I have bad pmt/menatl health issues relating to that. The more he ignored , the more I texted. I know I was stupid but I felt like I was being ignored, unloved, I wanted reassurance etc. He dumped me by email today and is still refusing to talk.
Was I a twat for texting about the wierd sex? I am just very open to discussion. I said I felt a change as he used to be able to want me all teh time. I feel like a twat as he was pissed up, full up after a lovely meal and just wanted to chill. But I felt rejected. Stupid I know. I cant force anyone to Did I deserve to be ignored and dumped. I am off to the doctors tomorrow and devastated as I I thought I found a lovely man but he dumpoed me by email. Surely he could have tried to to reassure me ? He said he felt criticised which is probably true. I'm in a mess.Am I mad or is being ignored crazy making? Agggrrr! I just can't tell my arse from my elbow in relationships.
On Sunday I baked his son a birthday cake. Another red flag was he told me htold me he loved me three weeks in after two shags and wanted the kids to meet soon after which was too soon in my eyes.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 20-Apr-13 17:39:23

boyfrom...I know! I actually thought it was quite funny! Where is your thread? You juts do have to laugh sometimes don't you?

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 15:31:26

Sorry, I was only joking.
Not trying to trivialise your problems, just looking on funny side.
Feel free to do the same on my thread.
You've gotta laugh ain't you

superstarheartbreaker Sat 20-Apr-13 13:32:10

No I meant I want drugs kept seperate as I hate them!!!

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 11:35:16

You're right about how it's wrong to keep drugs separate in your dating life.
He went outside for two spliffs....didn't the selfish bastard offer you any?

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 11:25:30

All good plans. Good luck.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 20-Apr-13 09:33:36

Hi all. Feel better today after night in with friend, wine and the Hangover part 2! I think it was bad we got the kids involved too early; I always felt awkward about that. The other day on his son's birthday he wanted to drop his kids off at his exes house with me in the car. I didn't think that it was at all appropruiate as I didn't want her to see me at such a special time. i do think of her feelings. He promised he wouldn't back the car into the drive and park up the road but he backed his car in anyway. She didn't see me but it felt wierd and awkward that he had gone back on his word. His excuse is that he didn't have time to drop me off first but still.
Also on teh Saturday night I stayed at his with the kids. He went outside for two spliffs whilsty I stayed in and looked after the kids who were in bed sleeping. That rang alarm bells as he promised to keep that seperate. His idea of keeping the drugs seperatye was smoking them outside. I personally don't see how it is possible to keep drugs seperate from your dating life as it affects personality and libido etc.
I am now on a dating break. I am very needy and need to sort that out.I do have a bipolar diagnosis as the doctor reminded me on Friday but I have been in complete denial. i think now is time to get that sorted too.

badinage Fri 19-Apr-13 16:18:50

Have you been officially diagnosed with bi-polar?

I don't think either of you were right for each other tbh. He was an addict, you were needy and you both had terrible boundaries about your respective children and getting them involved in your relationship too early. You also seemed far too willing to give him the 'great dad' label, just because he saw his kids reasonably regularly having walked out on his former family.

A break from blokes is a great idea. But make sure it's a proper break eh? No endless pondering about the 'perfect' relationship or dating etiquette. Try to focus on other things for a while, like your kids, work, friends and perhaps new hobbies. You are complete without a bloke on the go and they should always be a nice bonus, not the be-all and end-all of life.

OhLori Fri 19-Apr-13 13:19:40

Give yourself a break. You'll know next time.

I honestly believe if a man ends a relationship by email, they do not even deserve a response. Just press delete and block and put it down to experience that however painful, you can learn from <been there, done that>

p.s. weird or rough sex a red flag.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 12:45:30

I think that in order to like myself I have to finally accept my illness. Have been in complete denial over bipolar for many years and stopped taking medication when pregnant 5 years ago. Whilst in many ways I have coped it has clearly reared it's ugly head once more.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 12:43:28

Yes he is the weed smoker who you told me to dump blush I asked for it treally didn't I? He just sent a lovely text saying he's sorry he did it by email but he freaked out due to the tension and anxiety etc. He said its a shame it didn't work out. I feel better ..that it has been left on a better note. I must stop the insane plotting about hbow to get him back. uggggggr---no!
Yes I am very needy. I have no idea why really; many things I guess. I am definately taking a dating sabbatical. I'm going to book a holiday for dd and I this weekend!

Angelico Fri 19-Apr-13 11:20:43

You need to like yourself and value yourself before you look for another relationship. Seriously, take some major time out from dating and give yourself some TLC.

50shadesofmeh Fri 19-Apr-13 11:16:39

You seem very needy and you obviously needed reassurance if he cared about you at all and was the right man for you he would have provided that, but he didn't so sounds like he couldn't care less unfortunately .
Some people just bring the worse out in us, you are better off out of it OP , date someone who doesn't make you feel like that.

badinage Fri 19-Apr-13 11:16:03

Hang on though.

Isn't this the 'lovely bloke' who's a drug addict, who you assured us you were dumping a few weeks ago?

OP give relationships a rest for a while. I've lost count of the threads you've started in the past few months that have been about various different blokes or about sexual relationships generally. You're way too needy to be in a relationship, to have a successful one just yet.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 11:13:44

Have read the rules. I just can't stick to them! In fact I threw my copy in the bin! Went to the doctor. He said I was talking rationally hmm and that I was reacting normally to relationship breakdown. He was great about the complulsive texting saying humans don't like uncertainty etc. Very professional. Gave me sleeping tablets for two or three nights then told me to come back in a couple of weeks to sort the bipolar out.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 11:10:19

Hi boyfrom...I do think that it was the right time really. I was obviously having a bad time. He needed to know what was going down so that he could make an informed decision. It would have been awful if I had told him later , very deceptive and dishonest. He has a right to know. He cant handle it, that's fair enough but he could have phoned me and ended it. A fair few people have told me there's no excuse for not talking properly.

boyfromipinema Fri 19-Apr-13 10:07:32

You probably shouldn't have mentioned the Bipolar depression at such an early stage. It would be a worry for someone who is about to embark on a relationship. You're actions constantly texting him would have made him realize in his mind that he did the right thing.
Having said that it was daft of him to say he loved you after 3 weeks. Some people do casually throw around the word love,and then seem suprised that the objects of this 'love' take it seriously.
To them it's just words and all part of the courtship.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 19-Apr-13 09:35:01

I have boiled a few bunnies in my day. I really do understand where you're coming from, op.

Look, this may be a slightly controversial recommendation, but I think you should read that book, The Rules. There's some stupid stuff in it, but it's also got some good points, and while I wouldn't say that someone should follow it like the Bible, it can be helpful for someone with needy/clingy issues like you seem to have.

As dumb as some of it is, it's basically about how to at least pretend to be too busy and happy with your own life to get into these kinds of situations.

Short, intense relationships are usually bad. They're like emotional crack and they leave you feeling even shittier than you did before.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:36:39

Was his behaviour shitty though ...I think not. It was mine in the end.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:35:37

thanks everyone. i'm more aware now.

joblot Fri 19-Apr-13 08:23:45

Good for you op. Don't worry about age- I'm 47 and still fuck up, it's how real life is. Live and learn and change

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 08:12:05

Only you can decide that, I've got friends on late forties having them, but if you don't process this you will really end up sad or driving yourself crackers. Hopefully the dr can suggest something, maybe some counciling to see if you can figure out why you do this and how to be healthier in relationships so you are strong enough to not be taken for granted and accept shitty behaviour.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:08:52

No..I have deleted his number. I mean I'm going to have to process this alone and work out what to do.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:08:16

I'm also 35 and by the time I work it out will probably be too old for more kids!

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 08:07:42

When you say ear humble pie do you mean contact him?

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:06:14

Thanks for talking sense into me. I now have to eat humble pie. I can't believ I'm saying this but I do actually feel sorry for my dd!

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