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Big mess. Plz help.

(65 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:18

Please help me. I'm in such a big big mess.

Have been with dh for almost 12years married for past 8.

We have had problems since beginning of marriage, too numerous to list here and don't want the post to be massive.

Anyway. Around 4years ago, I got my head turned by om at work. At first we were friends but realised I was falling in love with him. We talked all the time.
Around 6months after, he told me he was married but separated. And his dw was pregnant. Due in a month. He said they had had a trial period to see if they could patch things up and she ended up pregnant. He apologised etc etc for not telling me.

After a few weeks I started talking to him again. He said he was really serious about me and wanted to marry me. Id told him I wanted to leave dh because of our problems anyway. We had no physical relationship at all btw.

Roll on 4years later. We now have a business together. We have a house ready for me to move into. School organised for my dc.

Dh has found out about om and house etc. he has had suspicions about om but of course I denied it. We have had separate beds for past 5years btw.
Dh wants me to either make it work with him 100% and forget the om and I have to leave my business. Cut all ties. But it's very complicated to leave the business.

Om then tells me a few things after dh found out. He was not separated. He had been living with his pregnant wife at the time he met me. He has been living with her and his Dc up until last year when she moved out with Dc (apparently). I was obviously totally shocked to discover this. Had I known he was married with pregnant Dc, I would have never have gotten into this. I'd been told by him he was separated and saw his dc every few weekends.

Om still wants me to move into house carry on business and once my divorce goes through, he will marry me.

Dh wants us to work on marriage. But I'm not allowed to continue with my business or have any other job. I have to stay at home.

I've studied for years to do my job. I love it. But it's not just about work. I don't know if I can trust om, who knows what else he's not told me.

Dh is a lovely guy but I don't love him.

Please help.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 21:16:34

Quint, I don't think dh would bring it up unless we argued etc and he said it in anger.

But I would feel so guilty and ashamed the whole time. He's not a bad person, but def has questionable characteristics.

Before om, I was very unhappy but I just got on with things. It was me and Dc all day every day.
Om gave me a shoulder to cry on and obv attention which I so desperately wanted at that point.

My family are telling me to give it another go with dh. He's willing to forgive me and give me a chance so I should take it. I should do what's best for kids and maybe in time I will grow to love dh again.

I'm in a horrible mess.

QuintessentialOHara Fri 19-Apr-13 21:10:45

Look, you have a job, and a house lined up for you. Move, build a life, and see where it takes you!

The option is to totally under your husbands thumb, at home all day, with no job. And you will never hear the end of it, regards the affair, and how he kind-heartedly took you under his wings, despite your deceit.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 19:12:15

Simplesusan- oms wife wants to give him another chance. I don't know whether she knows the full story.

And yes. IF I ever want to go near a man again. I will def be doing full checks this time. I've learnt a very hard lesson. I was very gullible.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 19:09:22

Ska boy thanks for your advice. It has helped. Your so right in that I need to make sure I build some kind of life for myself. I don't want to end up like your ex totally reliant on om.

Quint the rent is paid up for next year. It's a year to year lease.

Highjinx, I'm scared of regretting leaving dh. Of breaking up family. I'm scared he will be unreasonable with contact. Or that he will just make my life difficult. If I told you the kind of things he's done, you will be shocked.

I love- you are right. I need to toughen up. But I'm not tough. I'm terrified about no home no job no security. I'm not bothered about me. It's the dcs I'm worried for. I'm doing this for their sake, they have a miserable home life.

simplesusan Fri 19-Apr-13 16:24:32

I agree with what has been said. You would be so much happier in the long run without either of these men.

I hope the om's wife is ok and kicks this liar out. What an arsehole.

Don't stay with your dh if he is controlling and abusive, leave him.

Another thing, if you do meet another man, please throughly check him out to make sure that he is single.

iloveweetos Fri 19-Apr-13 15:41:52

You need to just suck this shit up. I'm sorry but writing on a forum is great to get advice but you know what you need to do. Get up, leave both men and continue to work (for the foreseeable future) with OM but TOUGHEN up and just make it business. Dont allow your life to be controlled by a man. you have a place to move to, you're lucky! use that temporarily and move as soon as. Make this as easy as possible for your children and DH (no matter how shit you say he is, you have still cheated on him, you have no leg to stand on)

HighJinx Fri 19-Apr-13 15:25:53

You said OM was planning to move in with you at this new house in about a year.

If you take the house that gives you 12 months to distance yourself from the business, build up a life of your own before you have to make a choice about whether you want to live with OM. Is that possible?

But I'm genuinely petrified
Can you articulate what you are so petrified of exactly? I'm not saying that to belittle your fear, I know how paralysing fear can be.
If you can break this down into tiny steps then maybe you can overcome the fear.

You don't have to know all the answers to take the first step.

QuintessentialOHara Fri 19-Apr-13 13:49:11

You move in, and you live your life! Do your job, parent your kids, find a hobby, meet up with friends. Just BE, like Skaboy. Dont think too much.

You dont need to make any decisions about your job and your relationship with OM right away.

How long is the rent on your new house paid for?

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 13:34:04

Quint I'm scared. I move in and then what.

I know I need to leave dh, it's not going to work for do many reasons. But I'm genuinely petrified.

skaboy Fri 19-Apr-13 13:32:28

Skaboy, what do you think I should do?

Honestly, I can only relate my own experiences, but I have split from my wife, because of her affair. On splitting I made the concious decision to stay single and rebuild my life myself. This started with little things: seeing old friends, buying a bike, exercising more etc.

On the other hand my wife is in a relationship with this other guy (who also has a long term partner - not sure of the status of that, whether she knows or not etc)

Now over time, I have got progressively happy about being on my own, feeling more relaxed in my own skin and above all stronger for the big things in the future (ie divorce, custody, new life plans etc). Its been a struggle - I have had moments where I have melted down, but they are getting further and fewer.

My wife is saying she feels on the point of a nervous breakdown. I can't help her now, but have said she would do well to try and be single herself. She spends all her time away from the kids (we do shared parenting) with this other guy and has cut off all her friends. Mutual friends have told me they have tried to meet her, but she blows them out all the time. After a long relationship, surely the last thing you need is more complications? My life seems so more straightforward now to hers (it isn't straightforward in itself - just much more so than hers)

Don't know if that is helpful or not but best of luck with it smile

QuintessentialOHara Fri 19-Apr-13 13:24:16

I think you should move into the house lined up for you.
Take it as it comes with OM and work. Just dont plan the next step yet!

Just concentrate on concluding the chapter that was your marriage first!

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 13:18:57

Quint, yes. I felt like I didn't have the guts to leave until om came along. Maybe I would have taken the chance with anyone who offered to hold my hand. I don't know. I don't know what to do about working with om.

Auntiestella, I get why dh doesn't want me to work. If I stay with him it's going to be a massive uphill struggle. I can't bear the thought of him touching me. It's not fair on him.

I just feel so so lost.

AuntieStella Fri 19-Apr-13 12:27:17

I think you need to accept the loss of your current job as part of the price tag of what you have done. You've built one business: get a fair price for your input and set up again for yourself.

You need to leave DH: you are not ready to recommit to him fully so there is no point and it would be desperately unfair on him. BTW I take his comment about not wanting you to work to be more of a cry of pain, and the removal of the opportunity to betray again, and this is a sign of how very much you would have to do to regain his trust. Unless you are wholeheartedly committed to reconciliation, there isn't a chance of working through it, and basically you don't want to.

OM sounds like a fairly shitty prospect.

Time to learn from experience, and make a choice. And as continuing any aspect of current set up seems doomed, whole new fresh start could be the best bet.

QuintessentialOHara Fri 19-Apr-13 12:22:50

Well, you seem to have made a total mess of things.

Am I right in thinking that because he is very controlling and not very nice, you did not feel able to even contemplate leaving until you felt you had somebody to go it with? OM?

By the sounds of things, you should not stay with your husband. Move, continue with the business and see how things goes.

If you have ownership of the business together with him, you could still try distance yourself from OM emotionally while working with him. At least until you are more settled.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 12:13:59

Skaboy, what do you think I should do? Leave both and find another place or move into paid up house and do as teeb/pictish and others suggested and leave business slowly.

Btw thanks for all your replies. Really really means alot.

HighJinx Fri 19-Apr-13 12:13:02

The harsh truth is that the future you were hoping for simply doesn't exist. It never did.

You are in this mess because you have let yourself drift into it.

I suspect you are glad that your DH has given you an ultimatum of this weekend because it means that you can reassure yourself that it was his decision for you to leave.

And you are in danger of moving on to OM for the simple reason that you are too afraid to be alone.

What is it about being alone that frightens you so much?

skaboy Fri 19-Apr-13 12:09:32

The only way to sort your life out and build your self-esteem is by doing it yourself. If its dependent on the love of someone else then you're not really sorting yourself out, you're just applying a sticking plaster so to speak. Honestly, I can't stress the importance of knowing its you that is mending yourself, rather than it being necessary to be with one of these two to make you happy. Either would be a 'rebound' at this moment.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 11:49:26

Pictish your right again. I will always be highly suspicious of anything om does. Ie we employ female staff and he's working late or 'out meeting clients' etc.

Teeb I'm considering what you have suggested. But the future is just so uncertain going forward. I told my parents everything and they think I should leave business and cut my losses. They say I can find work easily elsewhere which I know too, but being my own boss has really made a massive diff to me and dcs. I work completely around them and have very flexible hours. Can work from home too if I want.

Karma, dh does sound scary lol. He is a good person though at heart but obv he doesn't trust me now and won't let me out of his sight. We are complete opposites though and just never agree on anything. I know it's not his fault I've done this, but a massive part of me is full of resentment that for years he ignored me and when he's realised what he's done, he expected us to just carry on and start again. I was very young when I met dh, he was my first bf etc. married fairly young too. I've grown up alot though and we have both changed.

High jinx- I can do the work on my own but need alot of money to re invest and also having another partner really helps as he obtains the contacts and clients and I do all the office based work. I couldn't do it alone practically.

HighJinx Fri 19-Apr-13 10:41:04

So here's how I read this
You don't want to be with your DH anymore.
You don't want to be with OM because although you love him you know you can't trust him.
You don't want to be on your own.

I'm sure there is another option, like moving into a shared house or something but realistically you have to pick one of the above. Personally I think the only real option is to go it alone.

Even if you do choose to go ahead with OM you need to extract yourself from being in business with him. The chances of your relationship with him going tits up are high, you need to ensure that your job and income are not tied to him.

Is there anyway you can extract yourself from the business but continue doing the same work for yourself?

fedupofnamechanging Fri 19-Apr-13 10:34:54

Your husband sounds scary and I think your priority should be to get you and dc out of that environment. I would move into the rented house as a stop gap. Only stay there long term if you can get it put into your name.

If your business with om is successful, then I can't see any value in giving that up. Financial independence is important.

I think you can continue to work with om, but should seperate yourself emotionally - you know he is a liar. He has lied to his wife and to you and there is nothing to suggest this will ever change, so don't become the wife he cheats on.

Work in your business, take care of your dc, don't involve on in their lives and hopefully you will one day meet someone honest and you will be honest too.

Long term it would probably be better to not work with om, but now is not the time to give up a good job. Make that a long term goal if you struggle to have a business only relationship with om

Teeb Fri 19-Apr-13 10:29:56

Move into the rented house of the OM. I don't mean continue the relationship with him, or at your cards close to your chest. You owe him nothing, he's a massive tool so it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things if you 'use' him for a few months before you get yourself settled. I would ordinarily suggest a clean break, but I think it's more important for you right now to remove yourself from your husband than it is if poor little OM's feelings get hurt by thinking you are a done deal waiting for him. Besides, your lives are already intertwined with the business so you don't have the option of a clean break instantly.

Once you are in the new house you can start to plan your exit strategy from the OM, but it seems like too much to do in one all go.

pictish Fri 19-Apr-13 10:25:46

And even if he never cheats on you, you will always be aware that he might. You will never be able to relax or trust him. Every woman's name that somes up more than once will make your skin prickle.
Every time he is late home.
Every time he seems furtive with his mobile phone.
Every time he seems elated, or overly affectionate.
You will think...'this is it - he's at it'.

The relationship is fucked before it starts tbh. That's why affairs are generally a bad idea for all concerned. No one really wins.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 10:20:55

Teeb yes it's a mess. I'm normally a rational calm organised person and I've just become the opposite.

It's taken 4years because I've just been too unsure of the right way to do things.

The house is sitting empty rent paid up. It doesn't make sense for me to find a new place and pay rent on that too.
But it's associated with om and if I'm to make a clean break from him, how can I do this.

Your also right about me getting sentimental about dh. We had good times before we married. Since then it's been downhill. I was practically invisible to him. He has never changed Dc nappy, fed him, bathed him, zero hw. No family time hols etc.

He only really changed a year ago.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 10:15:12

Pictish, everything you say is what the little voice on my shoulder tells me.

He told me for years that he was separated and I believed him be sues I had no reason to think he was lying. He told me he didn't know about his wife being pregnant until she was around 8/9 months as she went back to her parents to live.

If he had been honest, I would have walked away. We only had a strong friendship. I never saw him outside work or anything like that. Although we talked all the time.

He says he's told her everything but she's still willing to take him back. I find that hard to believe. I think he has told her 'something' but not the full truth.

I used to really nag him to see his Dc and establish a good relationship with her. He always used to avoid starting divorce saying he would get round to it. I never ever encouraged him to do this btw. But as he had completely convinced me there was nothing there, I told him he had to at least let her move on.

Teeb Fri 19-Apr-13 10:10:30

This is a bit of a mess.

You must leave your husband. Absolutely. It's a toxic abusive relationship that has no future on any level, and I'd be out of there before the weekend is up. Don't suddenly become sentimental about your marriage now he's given you an ultimatum, it's been shit for years and will be shit for years to come if you stay, simply with more abuse.

Your OM is an arsehole too, so I would move into the house gladly and take that time to gather some normality for you and your children for a few months. Then try to get the rent in your name and find out about leaving the job.

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