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Big mess. Plz help.

(65 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:18

Please help me. I'm in such a big big mess.

Have been with dh for almost 12years married for past 8.

We have had problems since beginning of marriage, too numerous to list here and don't want the post to be massive.

Anyway. Around 4years ago, I got my head turned by om at work. At first we were friends but realised I was falling in love with him. We talked all the time.
Around 6months after, he told me he was married but separated. And his dw was pregnant. Due in a month. He said they had had a trial period to see if they could patch things up and she ended up pregnant. He apologised etc etc for not telling me.

After a few weeks I started talking to him again. He said he was really serious about me and wanted to marry me. Id told him I wanted to leave dh because of our problems anyway. We had no physical relationship at all btw.

Roll on 4years later. We now have a business together. We have a house ready for me to move into. School organised for my dc.

Dh has found out about om and house etc. he has had suspicions about om but of course I denied it. We have had separate beds for past 5years btw.
Dh wants me to either make it work with him 100% and forget the om and I have to leave my business. Cut all ties. But it's very complicated to leave the business.

Om then tells me a few things after dh found out. He was not separated. He had been living with his pregnant wife at the time he met me. He has been living with her and his Dc up until last year when she moved out with Dc (apparently). I was obviously totally shocked to discover this. Had I known he was married with pregnant Dc, I would have never have gotten into this. I'd been told by him he was separated and saw his dc every few weekends.

Om still wants me to move into house carry on business and once my divorce goes through, he will marry me.

Dh wants us to work on marriage. But I'm not allowed to continue with my business or have any other job. I have to stay at home.

I've studied for years to do my job. I love it. But it's not just about work. I don't know if I can trust om, who knows what else he's not told me.

Dh is a lovely guy but I don't love him.

Please help.

UterusUterusGhali Thu 18-Apr-13 22:52:47

Honestly, get rid of both of them.

You don't love dh.
Om doesn't love you, whatever he might say. The man is a distrustful liar. Not husband material, wouldn't you say?

By all means continue in your job, but separate it from your personal life if poss.

Any other way is just a shit-storm of grief tbh.

pictish Thu 18-Apr-13 22:59:35

Get shot of both.
You don't love your dh. He wishes to control you. Your mattiage is not a happy one.

Your OM is a liar.

Had I known he was married with pregnant Dc, I would have never have gotten into this.

Please. Yes you would. The fact that you were married yourself, and cheating on your husband means that doing the right thing was never on your agenda. You knew he was still involved with his wife, because she was pregnant. You swallowed his bullshit story because you wanted don't give us that.

Ditch them both. Your horrible husband and your sleazy dishonest boyfriend.

That's my advice.

pictish Thu 18-Apr-13 23:00:14

that would be marriage...doh

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:02:07

I can't separate my job, I wish I could. I know om is distrustful. But I really love him.

Dh is a good dad. Is now a good husband but he wants to control every aspect of my life.

I have always been very independent and always worked.

I don't want to 'be forbidden' from working.

If I leave both, I end up on my own with dcs and no money no home.

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:06:08

Pictish, honestly, I was stupid yes. But he really convinced me that it was over and of course I was so dumb to believe him.

Me and dh have been I separate beds for years now. We were like housemates. I know what I did was so wrong and I fully accept that.

But om is my best friend.

I know I need to leave both.

lowercase Thu 18-Apr-13 23:07:46

Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire, OM is trouble.
Stay and work out a fair separation from your husband.

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:11:26

Lowercase, that's exactly what it seems like. I'm going from one bad marriage into another potential one.

lowercase Thu 18-Apr-13 23:14:55

So, don't do it!
People who don't listen to their intuition are always sorry later

pictish Thu 18-Apr-13 23:15:18

Look...I'm not trying to slam you, honestly. I don't think you have to explain yourself...I'm just saying that this situation is born out of dishonesty, half truths and lies.

How can you possibly go on? I presume he was in love with his wife when he married her too?
You will never be able to trust him. You could be having his baby and he might be lining up the next one. He could be telling her he's separated too, while you know nothing of it. Why not?

pictish Thu 18-Apr-13 23:22:31

You can't stay with your dh either.

You will have to find a way to go it alone.

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:25:36

Yes I know. Those thoughts have crossed my mind.

I can't trust om anymore but he is a really caring generous loving guy.

We really get on and understand each other. He knows how I'm feeling without me saying anything. Loads of things.

He says he is divorcing his dw now.

My dh has given me till wkend to make my mind up or I pack my bags and leave with dcs.

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 23:27:25

You cheated on you husband with a guy who was cheating on his wife. You don't love you husband. Your post reads like you feel it all happened to you and it's not your fault. Time to take responsibility and take control of your life. Why not ditch them both and get stuck into your career?

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:37:40

No Loving, I don't think that. I fully accept that I did wrong.

I know I was stupid and gullible.

In hindsight of course I see all the lies.

Yes I did cheat and I'm very ashamed of myself. I can't justify it by saying my marriage was dead. It's still cheating.

My career is difficult to do with dcs if I work for someone else. Being self employed made it ideal.

I'm in such a mess.

QuintessentialOHara Thu 18-Apr-13 23:42:48

You both deserve eachother, you know. Both cheating and lying. Perfect, really! I think you should do the decent thing, leave your husband, and look forward. You always wanted to be with OM, so stick to that plan. Does it matter what he wants? Go for what YOU believe in.

pictish Thu 18-Apr-13 23:43:17

Did she find out about the affair and kick him out?
It is she who is divorcing him?

Teeb Thu 18-Apr-13 23:48:53

Okay, one problem at a time. Stay self employed for a while to settle things, it's hard to go through separation and looking for new employment all in one move.

What's the situation with the house? Is it yours? Other mans? Rented? Could you move in there alone with the kids?

Being alone is not the worst possible option op, you really need to realise that. If the OM is this wonderful guy you are in love with and divorcing his wife atm (big fat if all of that based on his previous stories wouldn't you say?) then he'll still be around in 6 months time when things have settled down. Hopefully by that time though you will have the clarity to realise that he is a liar and bullshitter and he's strung all these people on in his life like puppets, who doesn't really give a toss other than playing lip service to the women who do his washing up and have sex with him.

You really don't need that in your life.

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 23:50:02

Would you be able to continue working with your husband but without the marriage? Might suit you both? I'd ditch OM . He sounds like someone who will bring you a lot if trouble you can do without.

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:51:18

Quint I know this sounds stupid but I can't trust om now. I know we both cheated but at least I was honest to him about my home situation.

Pictish, his dw knows everything (at least that's what hes told me) but she's willing to give him another chance. I've told him to take it and make his marriage work. He says he doesn't love her.

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:54:43

Teeb the house is rented in oms name. But I would have moved in on my own for at least a year.

I'm scared of being on my own. I'm a chicken.

I know your right regarding the 6month realisation thing.

GroundHogDayAgain Thu 18-Apr-13 23:55:35

Loving, the business is with om not dh....

pictish Fri 19-Apr-13 00:01:29

Removing yourself from the situation...what do you think of men who cheat while their wives are pregnant, with women to whom they pretend they are single?

What's the money that if you turn him loose, he goes straight back to wifey?

Or would he remain single and seek the divorce anyway? What do you think...and be honest now.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 19-Apr-13 00:09:14

Pictish, you made me laugh even though it's not a funny situation. Only because I've thought these exact things.

I would think he was a sleaze and a***h**e for cheating on pregnant wife.

I think if I let him go he would prob go back to her. He has a nice house and a dw and Dc who love him and want him so why not.

I have really really tried to convince him to go back to dw but he keeps saying he doesn't love her.

Teeb Fri 19-Apr-13 00:21:59

Really, that isn't your problem op. Your problem is where you are going to live after the weekend. Who was going to pay the rent on the house? OM? Is it possible for you to have it put into your name?

QuintessentialOHara Fri 19-Apr-13 08:27:29

I am surprised if your husband really wants you back, when he comes to his senses.

His wife is the type of woman to cheat, have an affair with a man whose wife is pregnant, and not only that, has set up another home, and a business with another man behind his back!

In the same way as you recognize your OM is not a good catch, dont you think your husband will come to realize the exact same thing about you?

As far as lies and deception go, he might consider you a tramp from the mudlands of Tartfield!

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