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Hate

(9 Posts)
greenteawithlemon Thu 18-Apr-13 21:09:20

A person in my life betrayed me and completely screwed me over. Totally maliciously and it really took me by surprise and had a huge negative impact on my life.

Sorry for being obtuse but the details are too identifying. It wasn't a family member or significant other.

The betrayal did have some pretty-life altering implications for me but I'm in a better place now and moving on with my life- busy, healthy, happy etc.

But I feel such hate for her, even a few months later. I don't think I've ever really felt such loathing of another person before. And I haven't seen them since it happened!

I don't think it helped that I, with great self-control, was extremely diplomatic about the whole thing and was polite and cordial and even wished her the best the time I spoke to her about it afterwards. So I don't know if she has any idea how terrible the thing she did was, and I really want her to get her comeuppance- sometimes I fantasise about screaming at her, throwing something at her as I drive past in my car, her entire life nosediving and her living out her days in misery- I know this isn't really healthy and I would love to just forget all about it.

Please tell me karma exists! I know the best revenge is living well and that's what I'm striving for, but I just want to be free of these feelings of hate.

BusyHomemaker Thu 18-Apr-13 21:18:55

My interpretation of Karma is that if you treat people well, they in turn will treat you well, and if you don't then they won't. Simples!

You are clearly a strong person for getting on with your life and living well. Seriously, well done!

StuffezLaYoni Thu 18-Apr-13 21:21:32

What's that quote?
"The best revenge is a life well lived."
Focus your energy on improving your own life and being happy! :-)

TurnipCake Thu 18-Apr-13 21:30:53

At work, I have these once monthly sessions where I have to go to seminars and do group work with the woman my ex cheated on me with (several times) and subsequently left me for.

The first time it happened, I was civil and felt fairly lousy afterwards, as it still served as a reminder about what happened and how they came away unscathed.

But, the time in between him leaving me and having to meet up for these sessions, I had: travelled, optimised my career, made new friends, had new experiences and made my little house even more of a home. (I also spent lots of TLC on my brain in the form of therapy I needed). I knew that in that space of time, I had made changes for the better. The cheating ex and his other woman? From what I've heard, same of the same.

Most important thing is, this woman is now irrelevant to you. Be in the present and whenever your thoughts drift to her, take them back to you. That's not to say ignore the anger you have - it's ok to be angry about this! Allow yourself to feel it, write a letter you will never send. It's still raw and acute right now, but it will pass and you will feel better in time, I promise smile

Absolutelylost Thu 18-Apr-13 21:35:19

I feel absolutely the same and I have to see her regularly as our DC are in the same tiny village school and she lives about 200 yards from me. Am trying to cultivate indifference but have never felt such loathing for a person. It frightens me sometimes.

greenteawithlemon Thu 18-Apr-13 21:37:48

Thank you all.

Gosh Turnip, that must have been so difficult. Well done for keeping a professional face on it all- that can only have good repercussions at work for you in the future!

Yes, I think you're right about concentrating solely on me. I think it's the fact that I had to suppress my feelings of anger towards her (like you, for professional reasons- and also personal ones, I suppose I do prefer to avoid conflict) that I just want a release from them! Letter-I'll-never-send is a good one, I've heard it helps to externalise the feelings and then forget about them.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 18-Apr-13 21:38:05

I have been in exactly that situation OP. It is really hideous and eats you up. I got to the point where I thought of NOTHING else. My feelings were so powerful.

The only thing that helped was time. Honestly, a year ago I would never have believed that thinking about her (and the situation) makes me feel nothing at all now. I, like you, was quiet, concilliatry and desperate to sort things out for ages. Then, finally, something happened which was sort of a wake up call to me and I realised she really wasn't worth it. That was when I started moving on.

Give it time OP. Allow yourself to be angry but try to contain it, the letter is a good idea, and force yourself to think about something positive.

TurnipCake Thu 18-Apr-13 21:57:35

"I think it's the fact that I had to suppress my feelings of anger towards her (like you, for professional reasons- and also personal ones, I suppose I do prefer to avoid conflict) that I just want a release from them!"

I found exercise also helped with that, stomping on the pavement during a good run made me feel a lot better (although probably not my joints wink).

Whatever happens, remember, unlike her, your dignity doesn't have an off switch, and being polite and cordial during a time when you probably want to reverse over her feet with a 4x4 shows a great deal of strength of character on your part.

Grrrbloodyuni Thu 18-Apr-13 22:34:25

I think time is the only answer.

While you wait for that to pass, as others have said, concentrate on yourself. Hate can be a huge motivator- rather than let it eat at you channel it into self improvement, imagining how jealous that person will be when they see what you achieve.

They will only ever be the loser who dropped on you from a great height- they can never hurt you again, but they're probably still jealous and insecure.

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