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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

(576 Posts)
Overtiredmum Thu 18-Apr-13 19:41:19

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger sad

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

Overtiredmum Wed 08-May-13 13:31:34

I'm just really scared of what my future holds. Trying to be practical just gets me nowhere sad

TerrysNo2 Wed 08-May-13 13:56:21

OTM you know what your future holds, a happier you and happier kids - you've already seen this in such a short time. The rest of the practicals you can work on - there is help out there for you but you need to remember why you are doing this and keep going.

I think your children are very lucky to have a mum who brave enough to make an incredibly tough decision. No doubt, this is not the easy option but after reading your whole thread now I just wanted to say that I think you are doing the right thing and that you need to keep being strong about your decision.

In your DH's defense, it sounds like he is very hurt and lashing out, it doesn't make it ok but if you remind yourself of that then maybe his words won't hurt you so much or make an impact on your decision

Do not be afraid to ask for help wherever you can get it.

Overtiredmum Wed 08-May-13 14:14:03

My family and him seem to thimk this is a recent decision for me, it really isn' its been a good year, but they don't want to hear that sad I see a great future for me and dc, he can be in it, but as their dad only. just how do I make him understand that?

Samebod Wed 08-May-13 14:20:20

You can't make him see anything he refuses to accept.obviously he is hurting and angry,you've made your decision and he can't control that,I'm afraid you can't control his reaction don't have to put up with any shit from him or your mother though.

Focus on you and the dc and the practicalities of what you need to do next on this brave new phase of your life.

I really think you need to start the legal process of separation/divorce.

TerrysNo2 Wed 08-May-13 14:27:16

I don't think its your responsibility to make him understand it, you've told him why. Further conversations are just him trying to get you to change your mind. I think you need space from each other. Obviously don't stop him from seeing the kids but maybe don't do family stuff together for a while as it will only prolong this difficult stage.

There are many many children who have parents who have separated or divorced from a young age and they grow up fine, I'm one of them!

What I remember is that on the whole my parents worked together to make me happy and never argued in front of me even if they disagreed, the only bad parts I recall are the couple of times my dad involved me in how he felt and that just made me feel guilty - tell your DH he can only damage his relationship with the DC's by doing this. No good can come of it.

Overtiredmum Wed 08-May-13 14:50:10

Just seen my friend over the road, he is asking everyone to spy on me!! sad

mummytime Wed 08-May-13 16:50:10

I would phone the none emergency police number and ask them if this harassment.
I also suggest you phone women's aid for advice.
Asking one person, probably isn't but asking lots of people seems like harassment to me.

wordyBird Wed 08-May-13 16:56:39

It's wrong if he's asking people to spy on you. The verbal abuse is wrong. Over-riding your wishes is very wrong. You need some people on your side to help you overcome this. Are there any friends from work you could ring, even just to talk to?

Have you had any luck with Women's Aid (I know they're very busy).

A man who tries to control you like this is not hurting in the way you would. He will only be afraid of losing a person he can control (you) which is why he's desperately, angrily, trying to take the reins.

Please get some support, Overtired. If it feels too much to do this, pop back to the GP and mention how you're feeling now. brew

SolidGoldBrass Thu 09-May-13 00:44:41

OTM, this man is a total prick. He's been abusing you for years. Don't waste sympathy on him. The only reason you didn't tell him to go and fuck himself years ago is because your parents are unreasonable, unpleasant people too. They brought you up to believe that women don't matter, that men must be obeyed and placated, and that as long as your husband doesn't actually beat you he's a 'good' husband and you must submit to him and indulge him and regard him as your lord and master. All of this is bullshit.
He has no rights over you at all. You are not property. He is not legally or morally entitled to 'control the situation' because you are a human being and you can decide to end the marriage without his permission or co-peration. Sending you abusive texts and asking people to spy on you is against the law and he can be put firmly in his place by police and court orders. Women's Aid will help you. They will know that this is not your fault, none of it is your fault, and they will give you the strategies to keep him out of the house.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Thu 09-May-13 02:43:25

Overtired, you need to stop trying to make him hear you. He's not going to, because he doesn't like what you have to say.

Please please PLEASE listen to all of us and go and see a solicitor. Today.

Overtiredmum Thu 09-May-13 08:04:22

I'm making an appointment today, also arranging to get the house valued, he needs to see i mean business doesnt he?

wordyBird Thu 09-May-13 12:58:39

Yes, he does - everyone needs to see you mean business.
Good luck!

Overtiredmum Fri 10-May-13 14:48:20

estate agent coming at half 4, instigated by him shock
solicitor next week but not told him yet, want something in writing for dc x been signed off for another week but really missing work now. going to treat myself to lunch on my own tomorrow while he has dc xx

SolidGoldBrass Fri 10-May-13 17:56:19

Don't tell him your plans, just proceed with them. This is the type of man who is likely to ramp up and become dangerous. If he does do anything scary or uses any kind of force then involve the police. Remember that your STBXH is not your friend, not your partner, he considers himself your owner and as such is more of an enemy.

Overtiredmum Fri 10-May-13 23:16:04

so, house valued and he still don't get it sad

Overtiredmum Sat 11-May-13 10:05:01

hes expecting to move back in today, i just feel sick. sad

Meery Sat 11-May-13 10:12:34

Must be horrible for you - but PLEASE find some of that resolve that has got you so far and DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!

SolidGoldBrass Sat 11-May-13 12:47:45

Have a word with the local police station on the non-emergency number. Tell them you have separated, that he is living somewhere else and that he is wanting to move back in against your wishes. Unfortunately, it may not be possible to prevent him from doing so without a court order to keep him away, and unless there is evidence of violence you won't get one immediately. However, if you have already logged with the police that you are concerned about him, they will respond more quickly if he becomes aggressive or troublesome.
Also, make yourself clear to him that the marriage is over, and that if he insists on moving back in you will be civil to him, you will not be cooking or washing for him and that you will be sleeping in separate rooms. Again, any aggressive behaviour, verbal abuse etc from him - call the police. He is not in charge of the situation, he cannot force you to remain married to him. This is particularly true if he tries to force you to have sex.

Overtiredmum Sun 12-May-13 07:53:07

well he came back sad kids are playing up again but he seems to be favouring ds over dd which is horrible confused i plan to view some houses this weel and am working on our house with a view to getting it on market xxxxx

SolidGoldBrass Sun 12-May-13 09:34:17

OK, just grit your teeth and get through it day by day as you progress with your plans. THis man cannot prevent you from ending the marriage. Hold that thought. Don't be drawn into any discussion about trying again, or suggestions that you are being unreasonable, just calmly repeat 'The marriage is over, there is nothing to discuss, you will be hearing from my solicitor.'

And I'm not terribly surprised he's favouring DS over DD. This is a man who thinks women are inferior to men.

Hi OTM, have just read whole thread and am sorry for what you are going through.

How on earth your H and your M think they can make you do what they want by simply bullying and threatening and trying to scare you, beggars belief.

I think it is time for gloves off now! His recent behaviour has probably only made you more determined to end your marriage ironically. Just get on and divorce him.

As for your mother, who clearly has her own issues, I would want to say "I am your daughter, and as my mother I ask you to support and help me instead of trying to plot with the h I don't love how to keep me in a situation I don't want to be in. It would be so much more appropriate if your loyalties lay with me. If you are unable to understand this and simply be a mother to me, then please back off"

Remember, when you feel that crippling fear for the future, that both your mother's and husband's voices are chipping away at you. They are trying to frighten you to stop you doing what you want to do. Don't let their efforts work!

Very best of luck thanks

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 12-May-13 12:18:31

My parents split when I was 6. Best thing that they could have done. You've done the right thing

Overtiredmum Sun 12-May-13 18:54:42

am done, mother shown true colours x

wordyBird Sun 12-May-13 21:29:21

What happened? How are you now?

Overtiredmum Sun 12-May-13 21:57:03

first prize goes to "toxic" x

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