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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???(576 Posts)
I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.
This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.
Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.
For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?
But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?
Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.
So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.
I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.
I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.
I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.
Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger
So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?
That's the shittiest thing I've ever heard someone say to their daughter. What sort of mother does that. I know that your DH is ill but can you not cut all ties for the sake of your sanity?
How did your interview/chat go?
He's being a cunt.
So is your mother.
I am sorry to say that your DF is enabling them both.
Are you going to report the attempted rape to the police?
The weekend and my parents yesterday really has done me so many favours. I feel so positive now. I'm not going to report him at this stage, but for some reason I had the foresight to record alot of the conversation and threats he made on Sunday, so I doubt he'll try anything again.
DS seems fine, I've told him that I/we would answer any questions he has at any time, but I won't push the conversation with him. DS just keeps saying that DD shouldn't know yet, she's too young. Such an old head on such young shoulders. H said he will respect that too, just wish the bastard had respected the decision for neither of them to know just yet.
My interview went well - I think! It was a very informal chat, met the HR lady and also the director of finance. Its such a small firm compared to what I'm used to. I work for a US firm, london office is about 400 people, this again is a US firm, but office is only 45 in total. But they said they were impressed with my CV, and asked whether I would be available in a week or two to come back, so fingers crossed.
Also seen a nice little house to rent tonight too, well I say little house, its double the size of what I currently own
I feel so optimistic tonight, but am scared to be excited x
You are amazing! Seriously!
Well done for staying so strong, so positive, and keeping your focus and perspective.
You've been through hell and you're still standing!
I truly hope the job is yours, onwards and upwards!
Amazing, really?? I just know my babies are my world, and I know life has to be better than this? I feel like I'm barely existing at the moment, just fighting to survive
I'm under no illusions that life just the three of us is going to be damn hard, but it can't be any harden than now, I can't be responsible for a grown man who is happy to see his wife miserable, as long as he gets his own way.
I'm a fighter, and am stubborn, I have a long battle ahead but I have to tell myself I'll get there, or this is all for nothing xx
To come through all this, takes a special kind of someone! I read all the way through your thread again, and the strength shines through.
You ARE doing the best you can for your babies, yes it IS and WILL be hard, but many would have buckled, where you have carried on.
Please take some time to reflect on what you've achieved, and the adversity you've faced, but oversome!
Amazing IS what you are, and one day you'll feel it too! :D
She's only gone and got herself a second interview xx
Possibly next week, if they can pin down some of the partners, if not the week after. That suits me though, I really don't want to start days until DD is settled into school, the first couple of weeks are half days.
Great news. You must have made an impression.
Could it be that you drifted apart as you didn't have time to spend together? I think working those hours would have a toll on any relationship - not really sure what the answer is here - but counselling is a good idea. I think for a relationship (however good) to work long term takes a lot of effort and so it was probably a bit doomed with that work pattern.
Oh brilliant news
Is this the job upthread or a different one?
How are things now ??
Well done. You are a good person and you deserve the best.
Feeling totally sick at the thought of working days. I've worked evenings for 8 years and I didn't have the DC then, so all new territory to me.
The house sale is going through, waiting to exchange, at which point I can find somewhere to rent, but I really need to try and do that in the space of the next 3 weeks, starting my new job, I won't be able to get time off during the week to complete and move. If I can't rent somewhere before I have to move, it will probably mean I will have to find six months rent in advance, as I will be on three months' probation for my new job. I will have the money, once I complete, but its not ideal timing. So everything is really dependant on stuff happening next week, I just feel sick with worry
I can't find anywhere I like the look of, and if I need to go the route of renting somewhere once I've completed and started my new job, what do I do? Clear the house, store it with the removals, stay in a hotel or with friends for the week, and then move into the new rented house on the saturday? Is that do-able?
Any advice gratefully received. I am feeling quite low and lonely tonight, am terrified of the future, but it has to be better than what I have at the moment. I am still getting the occasional "I'm not babysitting the DC so you can work!". I have had no contact at all with dear parents for a few weeks now, although I know they are still in contact with H.
Some days I get texts saying I love you no matter what, the next day he;ll be completely normal and chatty and almost friendly, and like tonight, hes all said and depressed. I still feel guilt but I am just getting exhausted with it now.
Our wages still go into the joint account, I contribute quite a bit more, but am struggling to get to the end of the month. I found out he has been stashing quite considerable sums of money from gambling on websites and other stuff, which makes me sick to the stomach. Its not about the money for me, its about the fact that they all still feel I should sit tight and make the marriage work - when will they understand there is no marriage. I get constantly accused of having affairs with any man I even dare have a conversation with
My life is on the up, I just still very stuck with no way out at the moment. Anyone offer me a shoulder?
Why do I feel so guilty? Should I even feel guilty?? H went to GP today and has been prescribed Anti Ds. I know I have done this to him, for my own need to have some sort of a life.
My dear mother will love this
Don't let a prescription for anti-depressants fake you out.
The doctor can only work with what he/she's told. And whether he is, or is not depressed, that has no bearing on his awful treatment of you. There's no excuse for that.
On the ins and outs of renting, storage, moving etc, this all depends on what funds you have available, where you need to be located, and how it fits with all your other obligations. Does it help to write it all down on a sheet of paper? Any friends or neighbours you can trust to talk it through? Maybe post in Chat about it (more traffic there?)
You must feel very stressed at the moment, offering a shoulder if you still need it
Thanks wordy. I have a fair size pot if money if its straightforward move. Of it becomes complicated and I have to pay six months up front, it's not ideal but I will have sale money from house, so financially it's not a problem.
I'm just one of these people who needs to know exactly what I need to be doing and plan it.
After for anti ds, I know you're right. I was offered them when we first separated but I refused them.
Also, why are you still paying into a joint account? You should really keep your money separate. Do you have proof of his secret stashes? As they should be taken into account in any financial settlement.
OverTiredMum, read your earlier posts. You are doing AMAZINGLY well and the brighter, happier, more stable future you're going to be able to give your kids because of your actions is just fantastic.
Re the house, see what happens over the next fortnight or so; if you need to out stuff in storage then move on a weekend, that will be a bit tiring but certainly manageable!
Good luck. I do like reading your updates.
What you are feeling is absolutely normal, we all feel like this when faced with a new phase.
Stay strong, resolute and don't fall for thé AD line. I reckon he's done that on purpose. Why else would he tell you?
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