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Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

(576 Posts)
Overtiredmum Thu 18-Apr-13 19:41:19

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger sad

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

captainmummy Sat 13-Jul-13 17:01:04

It is draining, OTM - it's a process of purging. I hope it helps you see a way forward.

Overtiredmum Sat 13-Jul-13 17:12:09

She is lovely. So much she said clicked into place. I am going back Friday xx

Overtiredmum Tue 16-Jul-13 00:04:06

Went to a walk-in GP clinic yesterday. Blood pressure is far too high and I need to "find a way to reduce stress levels"???? grin

BerylStreep Tue 16-Jul-13 09:48:02

OTM, it sounds like you are slowly coming apart at the seams - and no wonder.

Can you go back to your own GP and have a really good talk with them about what is going on in your life?

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days, even with the DC, just to get away? Friend with a holiday home?

Any more viewers for the house?

Is H still being horrid to you?

Here's hoping you have a good session on Friday.

captainmummy Tue 16-Jul-13 14:57:45

Good idea Beryl. Not only to get away from the situation and him, but to clear your head. AND to reduce your stress levels!

Walk away for a few days. Go to the beach with the dc. Anywhere, please.

Overtiredmum Tue 16-Jul-13 17:40:29

I'm hoping to in the next couple of weeks. DC haven't broken up from school yet, end of next week.

I've got to go back to GP at the end of next week to get BP checked.

I have handed over the dealings of the estate agents to H, he can't make any decisions without me anyway, so at least thats one thing less to deal with.

I have shared with H something the counsellor said to me. Basically she said that understandably H is hurting, he doesn't understand that I am hurting too, but he wants me to hurt like he is, so he is behaving the way he has to hurt me - so I am getting double the hurt, if that makes sense.

When i told him this, coupled with the knowledge of my prevailing health at the moment, he sobbed and apologised and since then we seem to be less awkward around each other - hoping it will last, but who knows.

We've just turned down another offer on the house, its just not enough, so I'm hoping they come back with a higher offer. We also have two more viewings booked in for Saturday - so fingers crossed.

captainmummy Tue 16-Jul-13 20:47:35

Yes good luck with the house offers, OTM. I'm glad your dh has seen how you are being affected by all this, I hope he backs off and tries to help a bit more.
I understand that h'es hurting, but that doesn't give him license to hurt you (or the dc) mentally

Overtiredmum Wed 17-Jul-13 10:47:18

Just accepted an offer on the house grin

BerylStreep Wed 17-Jul-13 16:08:50

Yay! Fingers crossed for you.

captainmummy Thu 18-Jul-13 08:40:33

Oh great news OTM! ANd hope you do get away for a few days when the dc break up - mine dont break up till next week either.

Overtiredmum Fri 19-Jul-13 17:41:04

Had another session with my counsellor today - I'm finding it totally draining and emotional. I guess thats normal but I know I'm going to spend another weekend in tears. But I do feel stronger in myself x

wordyBird Fri 19-Jul-13 18:55:13

Draining, yes, that's normal; doesn't make it any better while you're going through it though.
Good to hear you feel stronger ( you sound stronger too)!

captainmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 09:43:01

I think it's supposed to be draining emotionally. You are supposed to be venting feelings in a way you have not expressed before. If you're not exhausted you are not doing it right!

Glad that you are feeling stronger, the sessions should be helping you see a way clearer, to sort your feelings and wishes.

Overtiredmum Mon 29-Jul-13 01:46:10

So much has happened tonight, we'd been ticking along ok ish, but tonight broke ds' heart, then shut me in bathroom trying to have sex but I got out, I don't know what to do really but kids are asleep and he has passed out now, I'm gonna take kids somewhere to stay tomorrow night so I can talk to them, a friend has offered me somewhere to stay for couple nights so I guess I'll go from there. So scared and des is heartbroken x

ifitsnotanarse Mon 29-Jul-13 02:28:24

Are you ok? Did he physically hurt you?

(Have just read the whole thread. You are amazing, and a great mother. )

ifitsnotanarse Mon 29-Jul-13 02:31:13

Crap that end line sounded patronising and it wasn't meant to be.

You could report him to the police as he has commited a sexual assualt. This might help in getting him out of the house until it is sold.

How are you holding up after this?

Overtiredmum Mon 29-Jul-13 07:01:09

Totally numb. I have nowhere to turn, DS is heartbroken.

fusspot66 Mon 29-Jul-13 08:56:22

Seriously you can report that to the police . You should feel safe in your own home

BerylStreep Mon 29-Jul-13 17:51:36

OTM I have been checking your thread every so often, and was hoping that no news was good news.

What has he done to DS?

Do you want to talk about it?

How have things been today?

I think you need to report this to the police, they can give you support, and it will help you to apply for a occupation order.

Hissy Mon 29-Jul-13 21:57:50

Sending you every ounce of strength I have.

Please go and get yourself and the DC safe and away from all this horror.

Keep going strong lady! Keep going, you can do this!

SolidGoldBrass Mon 29-Jul-13 22:14:03

Report him to the police for attempted rape and they will come and remove him. And look on this as a) proof that you are doing the right thing in getting rid of him and b) justification to speed up the process.

You have every right to end a relationship that is making you miserable. You needn't waste any more sympathy on this man - he has shown his true colours by trying to rape you. He doesn't consider you a human being, to him you are more like a malfunctinioning appliance or a pet that needs to be 'trained' into submission. Stop any kind of couple-conselling/mediation: it won't work when there is abuse. and he is abusive. Raping a partner who wants to end a relationship is never justified and decent men (as opposed to selfish, abusive ones) don't behave like this.

Overtiredmum Tue 30-Jul-13 08:42:05

Well talked through everything with my friend, after all that happened the other night, she thought it time I tell DM what happened, in her words "no mother would be happy with their child go through such treatment".

So I told DM, her response "well what did you expect, he's desperate to keep you!" Oh well, that's ok then?!! confused

The reason he upset DS - H has another son, whom he's never seen, isn't even on the birth certificate. His ex has contacted him a couple if times over the years stating son was now asking questions and wanted to meet H, H ignored it, saying he would wait til son came looking for him. Anyway I've always encouraged him to have a relationship with son but that until my two kids were old enough, I wanted them kept desperate for now.

Anyway H decided to tell DS all about other son, blamed me for not "allowing" him to see son. DS was do upset.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 30-Jul-13 09:34:47

I'm so sorry you and your children are suffering at the hands of this shitbag, but I do hope it's helping you to see your way out of the mythology that your H is a 'good' man and you are wicked and disrespectful for ending the marriage. He's clearly NOT a good person in the least. The fact that he is 'unhappy' doesn't excuse any of his behaviour. He's only 'suffering' because he's being prevented from getting his own way and subjugating you all.

Overtiredmum Tue 30-Jul-13 10:27:10

It really has made me see what my life would be like. I would never forgive him for hurting DS, just to spite me, he's even admitted that, it was my fault for pushing his buttons?!

He wants to buy me out of the house which is laughable, but we have a sale going through but we are in a chain of 6, so I have agreed to give him 4 weeks. I am looking at houses now, I need to sort a childminder or have a word with a few friends, one has offered to be their childminder for mornings and after school.

I have an interview today for a great day job, just an informal chat today but hopefully I will get invited back.

As for my parents, my dad didn't even say anything yesterday, just sat and watched me cry in the busy of a crowded waiting room. Oddly, I asked DM to tell me all the stories she has told H about what a selfish and awful daughter growing up, she denied all knowledge, so between them they are lying cos H knew of occasions in the past that he would have no reason to know about. She is still firmly of the view that I should just put up with it all, that marriage "isn't about being happy"! grin

They are both still firmly of the view I must be having an affair. One day, I really do hope I meet someone else, someone who will love me for the person I am and who wants to look after me for a change, but for now it's just me and my babies - I need to show them life can and will be so much better than this! Xx

fubbsy Tue 30-Jul-13 10:55:23

Good luck for the interview Overtired.

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