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A happy update from TIL(389 Posts)
She and the children are where they need to be now and she is very grateful for all the support and encouragement she has received. I hope very much that she will return here but for now shes intending to lie a little bit low.
Please just be sensitive to the fact that this is a huge, life changing decision for her and I think she would like it toned down a bit wrt pompoms and congratulations. I hope very much that this will change as the days pass and she becomes accustomed to the incredulous joy of freedom. She is already sounding positive about life where she is right now.
This time they really are safe in the way that everybody hoped previously.
NB I have not used any names in this for a reason. Please be aware of security as she is understandably very worried about him locating her
just revisiting your thoughts around choices, this:
choices made to survive, will always necessarily be different to those made in freedom.
Don't every forget that your reality was that feeling of limited choices, thats what being abused is about, limiting your choices hun. Its our job of work, to not take responsibility for that. Awful hard sometimes, but true nevertheless. Go well. xx
I just thought I can't complain that no one talks about women being manipulated into pregnancy despite the fact that it's supposedly common, if I then slink off and never talk about it myself. But it's hard to address it without sounding a bit bitter.
I think you could cut yourself a bit of slack here. You have only just left. There might be times when you feel a little bit in turmoil. In a little while, once all this has started to pass, then you will be ready to talk about it. I'm sure that will come.
Just found this thread after spotting your new nickname posting on another thread and wondering if it was you. Sorry I'm a bit late to the thread, I often just check my watched threads so missed it.
It is so good to hear that you and your children are safe. I'm certain that whatever difficulties you have now are not nearly as worrying as living in an unsafe place with an unstable FW where you had to be constantly vigilant of your children - even more than most mums to keep them safe.
I hope you are finding your laundry easier now that you can leave the machine, even if its one you have to share (laundrette etc).
I know it won't always be easy (life rarely is), especially dealing with the aftermath of the psychological damage he's done, and learning how to be free and responsible for everything again, but I'm sure you are up to it.
You are stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and braver than you believe.
Lots of respect from me (and all of MN as far as I can make out) for escaping his web of lies and undermining to find your strength and save yourself and your family. Take care. Thanks for letting us know you are safe, you've been on my mind since the last thread ended.
Hi GS. Nice to hear from you again.
I won't bang on about you not going back, because I don't think you will.
The dcs are bound to be unsettled after all that has happened, but now you can have 'the talk', apply sanctions if you see fit and know that someone will not subsequently 'up the ante' and make things worse. This can only be a good thing.
Wishing you and the DCs peace and happiness, as always.
Hello GS. Lovely to hear from you.
And I gave a little cheer at that casual 'Ex wasn't actually there . . . ' bit of your post. Such a little word - 'ex' - but a huge one at the same time.
I have three dc and I know what you mean about trying to meet all their needs across the ages. You do feel torn, and that you can't give enough to each. But you have given them each other, and that widens their choice. Three dc can be a real positive. As children there is usually one other sibling who is willing to play, and when they are older each will have two other people who are potentially there for them. Hopefully dc1 will find life makes more sense and becomes easier as time goes by and s/he is further away from the damaging life you led before.
Hi GS! Glad you are feeling the pleasure of everyday freedoms.
Just spotted this thread and figured out who you are. I remember feeling so sad and worried for you. I am so happy you got out and are safe. You have been so brave.
I think my sense of responsibility was because of the decisions I made, which still confuse me. I made the decision to stay at home, which was inherently flawed, because I was then creating a risk for my baby, a risk I was trying to avoid [from him] by staying home! how confusing.
I collapsed alone with 13 mo as a result of not wanting to 'stress' FWex, or leave him alone with 13 mo (by taking docs advice and going to hospital)... its because we don't think there's a choice, yes.
having begged him to stay to provide for me, he 'had' to go to work.
All these things you know, make you realise how bad he was, and how much he compromised your lives and invaded or removed your choices. It can feel confusing unravelling it all... take care xx
Good to hear from you, GS. Glad things are settling down and you are opening up to the counsellor.
If he was ignorant of your state of health, then it was wilful ignorance.
I'm happy to see you referring to him in more tones GS, I always got the feeling that you were a bit scared to show your feelings before good for you.
I understand that you currently don't want to discuss your past with anyone other than a counsellor, but if you do ever want to open up to anyone in RL then you could always choose a time/place when your DC weren't around. They won't necessarily find out.
By the way, I was wondering - how have your parents responded? Are they at all supportive? Apologies if you've told us this before.
Hello GS. It's good to hear from you. :-) I can imagine the sense of freedom in being able to make everyday decisions, without being contradicted, disapproved of, or undermined every step of the way.
You mentioned about explaining to exH how ill you were with dc3. You wondered if you'd made it clear enough to him. But I think by the end of your paragraph, you'd seen the truth for yourself. He did know, GS: he is many things, but he is not a stupid man. He knew why he'd been called there, and why they'd made special arrangements for him to stay.
Please don't feel responsible for not making things clear. His acting as if it hadn't happened, or didn't mean anything, was a choice. I hope that helps to reassure you a little.
I haven't said anything much on your thread recently, GS, but I'm still wishing you well.
I think you're right to think that you will gradually start to feel better about things, hopefully the peaks and troughs will level out to a calm contentment for you soon! You are dealing with complicated and very emotional issues, but I'm so glad that your counsellor is helping you through them in a constructive way.
Going on the pill was a massive and very difficult thing for you to do, and you were amazingly brave to be able to do it at any point while you were still with H, but I'm sure you know that really. You are not responsible for the circumstances of DC3's conception.
How are your DCs now that they've had a decent amount of space from your H?
Hi GS, I namechanged recently but have been posting on your threads from the start. Was just wondering how you were getting on - hope everything is good
I don't often post on these, GS I am a lurker. I have little direct experience of your sort of situation, But what Oxford bags said in her first paragraph on 23 may about your strength.
No pompoms. No backslapping bullshit.
fuck me, you are strong
Hi GS. Am just waving hello. Hope you and kids are doing okay and getting lots of support in RL.
I don't know if the 'everything except this' approach would be useful. I think forcing you (or manipulating you or guilting you or pressuring you beyond anything reasonable) to become pregnant again and have DC3 is on the one hand a specific violation of your physical body and your spirit (with the additional horror of you almost not surviving and him blithely thinking you would be up for another go making it all the worse) but also this specific violation is emblematic of the total control of others and total lack of care for anyone's welfare that was what made your H the man he is.
hear here OB my thoughts too... amazingly brave and honest to share that, its such a conflicted place to be, with potential for huge judgements..
I'll tell you why it's not spoken about more, GS - because other women don't have your amazing personality and strength. They don't have your ability to make yourself identify and truly look at terrible things. Look at how you opened yourself up to us, and took our harshest, bleakest, firmest criticism and advice on the chin and refused to run away. Yes, part of you minimises, which is only human, but your true self is this sort of Joan of Arc archetype that will not stop battling for what is true and right, no matter what the personal cost.
You are so astute. You can see how things will work out if you try to ignore this; that you will probably end up having a distant or even bad relationship with all your DC, as the notion of them as a threesome is what you struggle with, not each individual child. Just getting to this realisation, and accepting you need help for it would take others years to get to (years where irreperable damage would be done to your relationship with yourkids). And not just the realisation in their own mind, but take years getting there in actual therapy. Some people would never even get it, full stop.
I am having psychotherapy for my various issues, and I can reassure that it is incredibly helpful and freeing. Working through some things I was terrified would break me if I confronted them has actually been like realising the things that scare me most are actually more like rubbish ghost train puppets, not real monsters, if that makes sense. Scooby-
doo, not Saw, say. Psychotherapy is v different from just plain old counselling, I am finding. Because it is for the much deeper issues, of course.
There can be few things more difficult for a mother to express than to say that, for whatever reasons, she didn't want one (or more) of her children, however much she does love them. This is why you don't hear or read about it more, not that you are unique or in a tiny minority. You are brave. You stick your head above the parapet, GS, even if you then panic a bit and wonder why the hell you do it.
If you are this strong now, you will rule the bloody world after therapy!
There is increased validation in numbers GS iyswim? Its our form of measure!
Within abusive relationship it is very common to either be falling pregnant almost continually or have the complete opposite of lack of children and not committing to having children or stonewalling about it
along with everything else
Its no surprise to me that you feel conflicted about it, but the feeling that you have about what you went through (or accepted at the time) is just what happens, its the way of abuse, which ppl don't understand so well, is hard to understand and the thing that changes when we do understand! we realise we have not been stupid at all, we are strong, and intelligent ladies who put our children first. It says something I think that all ladies in this situation act pretty much the same, it takes time to see, when the scales fall you act, if the scales fell and you didn't act... but, well.. you did, and then you go through revisting it all, now that your survivor mode is calming and the sorting starts... your road to emotional and mental freedom. take care lovely xxx
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