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Should I feel like this?

(12 Posts)
3stars Thu 18-Apr-13 11:07:33

Hello, I have posted quite a lot on here recently and here I am againsad I managed to speak to my h today, told him I have just about had enough and really don't care anymore. I have been unhappy for a few years and finally managed to get some legal advice and have more or less made my mind up. He thinks otherwise, he thinks I should give him another chance because we been together a long time and for the sake of the children. It's taken me a long time to get where I am, I have put up with his working hours, no help with the children, obsession with the computer, not making time for us as a family and have had enough, he also has a big issue with not feeling as important as the children and thinks he should come before or alongside them. When he was talking to me this morning he got a bit upset, I just felt nothingsadis this wrong, to feel like this? I don't like it cause I am a very caring person and I now feel like a complete b****sad any advice appreciated, thanks for reading

onetiredmummy Thu 18-Apr-13 11:24:50

I don't know your story 3stars, but it sounds as though your decision has been made sensibly & calmly & with legal advice, so well done & you no longer have to feel responsible for him. Of course he wants you to give him another chance but you don't have to worry about what he wants anymore smile

You will feel like a bastard sometimes, but do you also feel relieved? Happy even? I know I did!

Can you clarify for me please, are we talking separation, divorce or something else?

What's your next step, will it be easy to accomplish?


CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Apr-13 11:34:33

For him, even though I expect you've had a lot of conversations about the problems you mention, this has probably come as a surprise nevertheless For you it's the culmination of a long and carefully thought out decision and, as well as that, you are taking the initiative. So you are in very different places emotionally, the power balance is with you, and you won't be feeling the same way. You can still be compassionate even if you don't want to change your decision.

Lueji Thu 18-Apr-13 11:37:15

How many chances has he got so far?

Notice that he worries about how he feels, but has he worried about how you feel?
Does he put the children ahead of himself, as you probably do?

How long you have been together has no relevance. It only shows that he won't change.

And it doesn't seem like his absence from the main family unit will have a significant impact.

BeCool Thu 18-Apr-13 11:50:35

I had a similar experience splitting up with exP 4 months ago.
By the time I made "the decision" to end the relationship, by the time I had had enough, I'd already tried so hard to make things work, make things better, work things out, communicate etc. Except it was all once sided so nothing every changed for us. But I had been through all the anger, the tears, the frustration, the confusion - for way too long.

When the day came that I made the decision it was over, I was amazingly calm. 4 months on I keep waiting for anger and all the stages - but I am still very calm. I detached from him. He could no longer upset me as I no longer cared. I've been angry in the past - now I don't care enough to be angry. In ExP's head I was instantly and suddenly out of the relationship, but actually it happened over a long period of time.

Ex said it was such a shock and it happened so quickly! Really I replied, what about when I XYZ (listed some recent examples of letting him know I was unhappy with the way he treated me - EA etc)? I explained how I'd been reaching out to him for years and he ignored me. One day all the love was used up and I just calmly walked away.

I've been calm ever since. I've had times when I've felt very flat and tired. But I've not cried about it - I cried enough in the relationship.

Now I'm gathering steam. Now I'm LOVING being a single parent, things are working out. It is all coming together and I am starting to think of the future with hopes and dreams and goals that the 3 of us (DD's and me) will achieve together. He can hitch his dead weight to some other sucker.

BeCool Thu 18-Apr-13 11:54:19

I think the thing to realise now is your mind is made up, and actually what he thinks about it is irrelevant - it's going to happen, the relationship is over for you. I'm sure you've tried and tried to work things out which is why you're now where you are at.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Apr-13 12:01:46

Extraordinary how he can feel so neglected yet has no inkling how he comes across when spending hours on his computer or ducking out of sharing household tasks.

Now that you have reached the end of the line, he suddenly chants the old song about trying again because we've been together a long time and for the sake of the children

Sorry H, that train has left the station.

His upset didn't touch you because you have tried for so long and got nothing back. Frustration and unhappiness, that he could live with. Indifference from you is a new concept to him.

Don't feel bad.

Chubfuddler Thu 18-Apr-13 12:04:58

Your h is falling for the sunk cost fallacy - you've invested so much time and effort you should invest done more to try and make good. This is nonsense.

3stars Thu 18-Apr-13 13:58:40

Thank you-it's reassuring to know I am not alone in how I feel,, it's not a nice feeling though,I just can't bring myself to be bothered or caresad divorce is the option, won't be easy as he has made it clear he is not going to leave the house (this became apparent a couple weeks ago when we fell out) and its in his name only, i won't go because of the children-it's their home and near school etc, so while its going on we will be in the same housesad it's a culmination of small things-he never gets up to do breakfast for the children, never does bath/bed time, will work two or three weeks without a day for us as a family, he will stay up late at night then not be up in the morning, I am in bed by 9.30-10pm as I can be up anytime after 6am for the children-he complains that I go to bed so early, it's always been an issue that he feels he comes after the children but I am not sure what he expects?he says he feels left because I have the love of the children and have them to keep me busy leaving him left outsad Of course they come first,no he does not put them before himself. If he has time off he expects me to organise everyone, I am expected to ask if I want help or him to get up, I should wake him up on his days off apparently-I don't, I feel he should get up cause he wants to spend the day with us. He is tired cause he stays up half the night-that's his choice. I have been through this with him before but nothing changes,I feel we are leading separate lives, his reluctance to have regular days off leaves me organising things for the children and I to do with friends and we go out often leaving him behind because he happens to have the day off but we are already busysad I think I sound like a selfish cow reading this back and it sounds ridiculous to feel the way I dosad thank you for reading

WaitingForMe Thu 18-Apr-13 14:07:59

My first marriage was emotionally abusive which I didn't see for ages. When I eventually acknowledged it and ended it something just switched in me. All the stuff my ex did (getting upset etc) just bored me. It was just so utterly tedious. The same pattern for years and years and years of me jumping to make him happy then it stopping overnight. He claimed it was sudden, I think I just ran out of energy and was just left empty.

It was weird being so cold but once I made my decision I felt nothing.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Apr-13 14:22:57

it's a culmination of small things OP, it really doesn't have to be big difficult things like DV or adultery to make you snap.

3stars Thu 18-Apr-13 17:55:54

You are right, it's the small things and the culmination of them, we had this talk just this morning, I am now home with the dc, he has prepared tea but is now sat playing on computer-this just adds to my frustration, I feel he just doesn't care, and I am at the point as I said that I don't care so I leave him to it, once upon a time I would be really upset an ask him to come off computer, I don't anymore he can do what he likes I don't caresad I am not in control of these feelings either, as some of you have it's like a switch and its been flicked and I am calm, I have gone through being angry, upset, tears, smashing things, slamming doors over the years And at this moment I can do none of the above, I feel tiredsad thanks for reading, this site has helped me greatly

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