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(20 Posts)
cheesesarnie Wed 17-Apr-13 22:04:00

In my marriage dh was jealous of anyone and anyone which is part of what drove me away.

now i'm in a new relationship i am for the first time in my life feeling slightly jealous! i need to stop before i become my ex!

can you stop and why suddenly have i become this horrid person or developed this awful trait?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 22:15:07

Why do you feel jealous suddenly? I don't think it's terrible to feel jealous occasionally, sometimes it's sort of appropriate!

cheesesarnie Wed 17-Apr-13 22:27:58

i think it's insecurity brought on by my past relationship, almost like i don't deserve this so should push him away? confused.

plus dps ex is gorgeous, although sensible head says he's with me not her etc etc.

i got a bit grumpy earlier as i can't cook, he can and his ex could very well. he took over and i felt that i could never win.

i think im being hormonal and a bit silly.
after years of unhappy marriage i have finally found someone that i really love to be with and i think i'm not used to it tbh!

cheesesarnie Wed 17-Apr-13 22:28:27

i didn't actually say anything earlier fwiw.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 22:38:10

Ooooh, that is really hard OP. It can be a while before you sort of come to terms with your DP's ex I think, and also it is so hard when you have been hurt before. Totally understand. If I were you I would sit tight. Sometimes only time can make you feel more secure and comfortable.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 22:42:11

Just remembering that I had all sorts of funny, annoying, disconcerting feelings when I met DP but after a while they settled down because she (we are both "she"!) was indeed as lovely, kind and trustworthy as I had hoped. Equally she took a long time to cope with my continuing friendship with my ex but they now like each other very much!

cheesesarnie Wed 17-Apr-13 22:48:16

this is the thing- he is completely trust worthy! i've known him for years and he's not a baddie.

plus like your dp, he also puts up with my 'relationship' with ex (we have dc) and has offered to do things like move furniture for him etc.

i really do think he's amazing, i need to sort myself out as i just didn't think i was capable of feeling like this!

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 23:01:33

He does sound great! It's weird though isn't it? I once had a horrible irrational jealousy of my DPs friendship with another woman. It was so powerful for a while and I was really, really eaten up with it. Jealousy is a weird one. If it makes you feel any better I can't bear the thought of my Dp getting a massage because I can't stand the thought of someone else touching her body!!! I know this is ridiculous and I don't actually "forbid" her from having one but I don't like it!

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:10:01

Hey, a small amount of sexual jealousy is ok in a relationship I think

As long as it doesn't get out of hand

I mean, the sexual side of our relationship is the only side of each other we have only for ourselves in my marriage. If I thought he was sharing it elsewhere, or someone else was moving in on would feel un natural to not be at least a bit discombobulated.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 23:14:07

Agree AF, love the word discombobulated!

On that matter, I realised that I was NEVER jealous with my ex because we had no sexual chemistry whatsoever beyond the first few months. With DP it is totally different!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 17-Apr-13 23:34:45

Well, jealousy is a failing, but at the same time we all have failings, and everyone feels things that are unreasonable and wrong from time to time. The best way to deal with bad feelings is to acknowledge to yourself that you are having them but not to act on them. Don't whine, snoop or accuse (unless you have some genuine cause for suspicion), just treat the feelings of jealousy like a bit of a bellyache: think about something else and it will pass.

cheesesarnie Thu 18-Apr-13 21:25:08

today i cannot remember what all the fuss was about!

thankyou all.

AF- thankyou again for all your help last year. i wouldn't be with my lovely dp if you hadn't given me the courage to leave ex.

Squitten Thu 18-Apr-13 21:33:29

If you have feelings, any kind of feelings, you can't force yourself to stop having them. But you can change how you deal with them.

A therapist told me an interesting technique to deal with it that you may find helpful: When you have a jealous thought, acknowledge it and then close it up in a little box in your mind and save it for later. Distract yourself with something else in the meantime. At a quiet moment, when you are feeling relaxed, allow yourself to examine it properly and think about why you felt that way. Hopefully, this will help you to see how irrational it is and feel better about it and about yourself for keeping it under control. In time, the thoughts should stop coming up at all.

AuntieStella Thu 18-Apr-13 21:40:36

If there is no obvious event that has provoked the jealousy, and you think it's general insecurity because of baggage from the past, then the thing you might like to work on is identifying that baggage and then ridding yourself of it.

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:45:20

Ooo, cheesesarnie grin

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:52:53

Have you seen this site CS ?

Sh1ney Thu 18-Apr-13 23:48:06

You don't sound particularly jealous to me OP, you sound insecure. And they're two different things.

Maybe concentrate on lifting your self esteem up a little. It'll make all the difference.

Takingbackmonday Fri 19-Apr-13 12:18:03

I could be you.

Awful abusuve jealous ex, wonderful trustworthy dp, now I'm getting irrationally jealous. Keeping it to myself and hoping it'll calm down.

showerhead Fri 19-Apr-13 13:06:30

try to be logical. Just because someone is very attractive or has a skill you don't (cooking) does not mean they are a wonderful fit for your partner. They aren't together for a reason. i've never been the jealous type so not sure what helps but i can categorically say good looks and being a good cook do not automatically make you a good wife/partner!

cheesesarnie Sat 20-Apr-13 18:28:22

thankyou. you all speak sense!

takingback sad

sh1ney i agree actually!

AF- I'll have a look.

fwiw he's on day 2 of a stag do and i miss him like mad but no jealousy.

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