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Awful situation, but am I about to do the "right" thing?(11 Posts)
It's a long story but will try and keep it brief!!
I've been married for 13 years. I loved him (I believe) at the start - not the man that I really always loved, but that had been ended (by him).
I had an abusive childhood and an abusive relationship in my 20's and I'm now realizing (started counselling) that I probably expect to be be treated in this way. I can't cope with confrontation and constantly walk on eggshells around my husband.
Thanks to lurking in this section for a while (but never posted) I know that my husband's behaviour - which has always upset me and I've considered wrong for sometime -is EA. He constantly puts me down (always has), won't listen to or communicate with me, but will turn everything around and it's all my fault. Even the way I walk into a room or look at him can cause an explosion. He spends money on himself (earns a v good salary) but gives me 40 pounds a week "pocket money". However, I regularly use this for things for the kids, food etc when he says there's no money left. He's moved the savings account (but I don't know where to. No money is going into the joint account except for food. He's taken out credit cards I didn't know about - I could go on and on.
For a long time I had a very acutely and regularly unwell child (with another younger sibling) but coped mainly on my own with no help at hospital appointments whilst he went out with friends ur drinks, playing sports and going to watch sports matches. I had a very good job but gave it up to spend time with the children and care for my sick child.
My MIL used to help out regularly with childcare when I worked and even when I gave up the kids would see her a couple of times a week (her insistence). MIL was always controlling, manipulative and played the victim, but most of the time was utterly charming to me. She also did so many awful things but if I listed them this post would never end.
We used to live within half a mile of MIL, but moved circa 3 years ago some distance away. We had wanted to move for so long but felt it impossible to do so, for to cope with DD's regular illnesss and hospital trips would gave been impossible without family back up to care for my other child.
The turning point came when the children alleged independently (and ages 4 and 8) that MIL had abused my youngest. He is now in psychotherapy.
My DD's health improved dramatically as did her academic capabilities (2 years progeess within her first term!) when we moved (within weeks and even well-reputed hospitals had been unable to determine the cause of her various seemingly unrelated symptoms). However, I patterns started to emerge in her periods of illnesses. surrounding visits to/from MIL. After one visit (that I hadn't attended as I was ill) I queried whether they had eaten or drank anything differently - only because DD's first symptom upon arriving back was hiccups, but I was assuming something innocent like grapefruit that would react with her epilepsy medication. D'S, then 6, described what he'd seen MIL put in DD's drink. At the time I thought this slightly Agatha Christie so left it. However, a short period later a friend who had met MIL and had known of some of the things she had done suggested to me that she was a narc.
The next few weeks, I can only describe as a wave of remembered things I'd seen and the children had heard.
For the past 19 months I have had to try and deal with this myself - spk to docs (old GP surgery reported to SS straight away - but they knew me, how ill Dd was and strange patterns in illness) knew docs I think thought me mad, the police but they couldn't act for lack of evidence, the new school who believed me - they saw the child that arrived and the transformation. Her medical records have "gone missing" at one hospital now. It has been explained to me what action would b taken againstbme to prevent a medical negligence action (andi'm fairly sure that they had started this; hence I've now completely gone quiet with docs etc and trying to move on for the sake of the kids.
My DH veers between acceptance and denial, but with me always getting the backlash! (He cannot remember any of his childhood, he knows what MIL is and hates her for it, but still wants relationship with his father and brother (who unfortunately collude with her). He says we don't have to go again, but then following e-mails/texts from various parties about how I'll she is / what would happen if they died etc we have to visit again.
Last time was at Xmas and we were all I'll afterwards and still suffering consequences. I now have back up from one of DH's friends so we will never have to go again (myself and the DC).
I have just got a job and want to separate from DH - but what I really want to know is - is this going to do more damage/ harm/ upset to DC who have already been they so much? (if you've got this far - thank you!)
Yes you are, you are a strong woman who loves her children.get up and go.you all deserve better.leave him and his wretched family and run.you know you and your childrens life will be better. Good luck.
If you leave this man it will not do more damage to your DCs.
Yes you are doing the right thing. Your DC need to know that they can at least rely on Mum to do the right thing and put them first.
You have my admiration for wanting to do this.
Your DC will never forget that you made them your priority. No it won't be easy but way in the future when you are holding your first grandchild your child will turn to you and say" I love you mum, you put me first"
He's trying to take them back to the person who abused them? No way you will do anymore harm by getting out.
Is this munchausens by proxy? Sounds vile! I'm sure your dcs would benefit from seeing mil less but does your dh realise what she does? As he is likely to take the children there himself if you seperate isn't he??
Yep, get the hell out of there. Children and you will be better off. Good luck!
You are doing the right thing, don't doubt yourself. You will not harm your children by leaving, you are protecting them.
you NEED to leave for the sake of yourself AND your children.
You are doing the right thing if you can ensure your h will not take the DC to his mothers during his contact time
Without something in place to prevent that, I think he will
Fraggle - that's my overwhelming concern!!
Yes he accepts - I think the Xmas experience was just one too many coincidences even for him....but then he sees MIL on his own and he's back to square one!
He said he needed to see a counsellor and I got a recommendation for him but now he won't go. He said he'd go to the police about harassment from them and others, but then changed his mind.
My real concern is that without the backing from appropriate authorities, I cannot prevent it. I begged for help prior to Xmas but was treated like looney mum.
For a long time I was so frightened about the action that the docs would take to prevent me getting a "proper" test and diagnosis (and this was spelt out by an ex-senior doc that I saw professionally and wanted to re-refer her but took advice from a friend at the GMC - it was they who inferred wgat may happen to me to prevent a med neg claim (not tgat want one - just wanted to prevent any future exposure). I have been terrified to post on here for fear of recriminations.
I managed to persuade DC that notion if poisoning silly purely because I wanted to protect the, but followed it up fruitlessly!!
When he's here DH good to DC but know they pick up on the tension between us.
Know I can't go on living like this and I think it's only now that I've found the strength!
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