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Relationships

MIL and SI-confused about complicated relationship

9 replies

CuppaSarah · 17/04/2013 17:42

I haven't really looked on this board before, so apologises in advance if this isn't the right place to post about this.

To start with me and my Mother have a very complicated relationship, where I have been the parent since I was 14. She was Emotionaly Abusive due to her MH issues. I can't forgive her and we don't have a great relationship, but we talk and I try to encourage DD to have a relationship with her.

My MIL and I are a different story, we get on brilliant. I love her to bits. I have known her for 6ish years and truly see her as my Mother. In those 6 years she has done so much for me and my DP, I can never thank her enough for it. Me and my SIL get on fine, shes lovely and lives nearby so we see each other quite a bit.

I suppose the problem is mainly petty Jealousy. When I fell pregnant last year, MIL was brilliant and offered so much support, it made us even closer. Which was great since my Mother emotionaly really struggled with the whole thing. But when I was 7 weeks SIL announced she too was pregnant. I was really happy for her at first. But then I admit i started to resent her. My big way to bond with my MIL was suddenly not just about me anymore.

I tried to ignore it, but at times SIL has made some comments that have really hurt like how 'you're now part of the family' after I had DD. Even though as far as I was aware I'd been considered a member of the family for years. I'm so insecure that every nice thing MIL does for my SIL I get so so envious. Right now they're round hers talking about the imminent arrival of my DN and I'm sitting here getting myself all upset even though they're round here later.

Gah sorry, looking back at this it's just ranting. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here.I think I need some of mumsnets wisdom and common sense to give me a kick up th arse and stop my pity parade.

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BrevilleTron · 17/04/2013 17:48

Deep breath.
It is natural to feel some jealousy. However you are both bringing small miracles into the world so why not use it as a way to strengthen the bond between you all?
Such as talking to Sil about the stages of pregnancy and asking Mil what she remembers.
If you can't change a situation
Change the way you think about it?

Congratulations!

I'm insanely jealous of both of you as I'm desperate to be pregnant but having no joy yet with only one tube ( do have beautiful DD 13 though)

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CuppaSarah · 17/04/2013 17:54

Thankyou BrevilleTron for some very much needed perspective!!! I have tried but SIL seems kind of annoyied when I've tried. I kind of wonder if she's envious too since I gave her parents their first GC and she thought she would be the one to do that.

Also Best Wishes I hope you have some joy TTC soon!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/04/2013 18:01

Yes it's insecurity and it just makes you human, don't worry. As the owner of a nearly 13yo who is unlikely to have more children unless I get some unethical italian gynaecologist to inject me with rhino placenta or something... I am getting similar stabs of irrational jealousy about my DB's impending DC #2 on lots of levels. Not least that DM and DF already bore me rigid about their DC #1 (smaller and cuter than a 13yo)

It's not how you feel that matters, it's how you behave. Chin up.. :)

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BrevilleTron · 17/04/2013 18:25

No problem. And enjoy still being able to nip to the shops with just your keys and a purse before baby comes and it turns into a 4 hour military operation with planning that would put NATO to shame.

shudders at memory of trip to garden centre when DD managed to simultaneously sick and poo over me, her, my mum and the open changing bag containing all the spare kit. Loooong journey home that one

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StephaniePowers · 17/04/2013 18:33

You've got two relationships there and I think you're getting them understandably muddled.

The first is between you and your MIL, and it sounds lovely, but is probably a bit complicated because of how things are with your mum? SIL won't know much about that so might not understand the effect of her words.

Then there's your MIL and SIL - rationally it's really lovely that she feels a strong bond with SIL as well, isn't it? But practically, you're feeling threatened by that. I think the best way to think about it is that MIL will have two separate relationships with you both and you probably can't read much into that (however much you want MIL to be noticing you at this time).

I know when my SIL had a baby I felt something similar, but had to separate it all out and see that she and SIL had their own thing going on. (The difference is that MIL went on and on to me about how awesome SIL is and I don't think she's all that, so it was quite tricky!)

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DIYapprentice · 17/04/2013 18:35

For the first time in your whole life you have felt the love of a mother. It must have been absolutely intoxicating, exhilarating, and ever so gratifying. But now you are having to share that. It's called sibling rivalry, and most siblings go through it when they are children. You, however, never went through that then. You're going through it now though, in spades.

Accept that it's how you feel, and that it's a result of your upbringing. It will be difficult to deal, and perhaps you might need some counselling to deal with the emotional scars left from that upbringing.

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cansu · 17/04/2013 18:40

I think your sil probably feels she would like her mother to be excited and interested in her pregnancy and it sounds like she is. I can see why you are a bit jealous but I think you need to be careful that you don't make things hard for our lovely mil who sounds like she wants to be supportive of you too. The worst thing for your mil would be you and her daughter being envious of each other making it hard for her and forcing her to choose who to support. It is natural that your sil will want her mum close to her when she has her first baby.

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buzzybee123 · 17/04/2013 18:58

Your MIL will have a different relationship with SIL compared to you but it doesn't mean its better, its just different. Its hard when you have a mother who is emotional unavailable to then find someone like your MIL. Don't let SIL spoil things for you, try and rise above it, you must have a great relationship with MIL if SIL feels threatened by you.

You have to remember its not a competition, you can both be close to your MIL but in different ways, good luck :)

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CuppaSarah · 18/04/2013 06:54

Thinking of it as two seperate relationships is actually a really lovely thought, since it doesn't devalue either relationship. I'd also never even thought about the sibling rivalry aspect. My DP is very quiet and withdrawn so shes never had to worry about getting her parents attention before, it must be very difficult for her at times. Plus all the hormones will not be helping either of us.

I'll try and keep all this is mind when the green eyed monster strikes, this has really helped me get a few things clearer in my mind. There was alot of feelings I couldn't put into words, which you lovely people have done a wonderfull job of. I deffinatly don't want to try and make anything awkward for anyone either, esspecialy with all this family has done for me.