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Please talk me down !!

(14 Posts)
overtheraenbow Wed 17-Apr-13 16:34:55

Friday evening send Stbxh a message about a school issue for DSas follows ;
Dear x Please find attached DS's form. If you would like to place an order please let me know and send money on Sunday as it needs to be in on Monday.
No reply . i needed to know before Monday am , kids at his all weekend ( well actually they couldn't go their as ow has just moved in so be took them away but that's another story!)
Anyway Sunday night drops them off , still nothing no mention etc.
Sunday 14th april 21.19
Me ; Did you get my email on Friday about school form?
X; Yes, I will reply tomorrow (cos the ow has been all alone all w.end and I'm busy looking after her / reading her a bedtime story etc.
Me: The form needs to be in tomorrow
As I said the money needed to be sent with DA today if you did want to order
No reply!!
Monday 15th 7.42 am
X ; did you only find out about it on Friday then? Not much notice
When did they tell you about it? Only on the Thursday evening?
Me; No I got them on Wednesday. But if you had replied Friday we could have discussed it . Perhaps there is some problem with my text/ email account as they don't seem to receive any acknowledgement or replies for days
No reply !!
Today forward text from Dd's school re trip he was supposed to have discussed with her over Easter hols .
Again No reply
, I know he's read it as he hasn't realised yet I can see his texts show delivered / read on iphone but 2 hours ago and no response.
Please talk me down as I am mad as a box of snakes as I know if I was a client in his all important pretend business's is have had an instant reply and he's doing it to wind me up. But I'm on the verge of telling him I know this and if he wants me to not fell him anything as it seems even when I do I get abused for it !!! Please stop me !!!!

overtheraenbow Wed 17-Apr-13 16:36:27

(Also sent 2nd text to check he'd got first re dd trip )

Fragglewump Wed 17-Apr-13 16:39:47

Blimey that sounds very long and complicated. I deal with it like this. For school trips and day to day stuff I reply to school letters pay for trips etc. if its re school performance tickets school photos etc or something he might want I text and say "if you want school photos/tickets I need £10 by next Friday or I'll miss the deadline and you will need to sort it out yourself. Thanks" so he knows what needs to be done and by when. If he misses it he misses it. He is a grown up and I'm not responsible for him anymore. Yippee!!!!

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 17-Apr-13 16:40:26

Step away from the phone, otr.

If he didn't place the order in time, then that's tough on him and his own look out.

If he didn't discuss the trip with DD, then you'll have to discuss the trip with DD yourself, again tough if it doesn't fit in with him.

Moominsarehippos Wed 17-Apr-13 16:43:57

I find that telling people what I intend to do and give them a deadline to 'speak or forever hold their peace' works well. You don't need to waste all of your time chasing.

overtheraenbow Wed 17-Apr-13 16:59:20

I feel like I'm in a ' damned if I do damned if I don't ' here . If I don't tell him he grows a strop that he has a right to be told about his kids then I end up saying u chose to leave / move 100 miles away so don't hit me over the head with it. I've told him before to go to school and ask for letters, I do a termly Calendar with events on I tell him WHEN I REMEMBER but as I'm doing everything else for the kids plus work etc don't always re bed grrrrrr !!! B

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 17-Apr-13 17:02:20

Yes, he may well throw a strop. So what? That is why he is STBX. You cannot run his life for him hmm

overtheraenbow Wed 17-Apr-13 17:12:13

Oh damn damn damn damn . He replied before i got back ( i swear he is watching me sometimes) and I got angry (again) as he was being total arse !!! Now I look like crazy wife again . I hate phones but not as much as I hate myself ( or him for that matter)sad

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 17-Apr-13 17:13:51

Ooops, he managed to press one of your buttons, is all. What did you text back, can you bear to share?

overtheraenbow Wed 17-Apr-13 21:25:21

Sorry had to go out . He was just as cold and uncaring about sons teacher suggestin he attend some support group for kids with self confidence and self esteem issues . I wa gutted he was send me the form and if it will help. I got mad and said his father running away would have helpedore ..... Etc etc
I don't know what to do with all this anger I have for him.
Any suggestions PLEASE ): I think I preferred the devestates phase to this one !

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:35:14

Go somewhere and scream, punch a pillow, the anger is good, directing it back at him isn't, as it just makes you feel bad.

It sounds like he is a twunt. Maybe the EA thread would be of use?

overtheraenbow Wed 17-Apr-13 21:46:14

Thanks Silver does Zumba class count ( that's where I went!! Certainly feel better) ??
I have only just this last week or two realised he is EA it has been quite a revelation. I think part of the anger is feeling stupid for not recognising it before now. He is highly controlling ( not just me) and classic distancing from family friends ( moving whole family abroad, he's now doing same to ow moved her from her country) I should be glad .
My mum says he is so pissed at me because I'm not letting him walk all over me now, possibly why he left as he saw me get stronger.
This week I have reconnected and apologised with 2 completely seperate of friends he cut is off from after a minor disagreement despite the kids being friends with theirs, his right were more important.
Maybe there's a Zumba class every night /: cos he does know how to push my buttons !!

Hissy Wed 17-Apr-13 22:23:16

<slap with wet fish>

Right! Stop!

Calm thoughts, breathe in and out. 3 times. Slowly.

You can do this.

If your child needs to attend a support groupn YOU agree to it. You sort it out. Likewise a trip.

If there are events the Ex might want to attend, send the forms, but then make your own arrangements.

He's having you run around worrying about what he is or isn't doing.

Your DM is right, he wants you scuttling about, not getting stronger! Well, newsflash to the abusive cheat. He isn't the centre of anyone's universe but his own.

Don't get wound up, he genuinely is not worth it.

Listen to these words and absorb the full meaning of them, they will serve you well:


Hissy Wed 17-Apr-13 22:25:41

Detach, detach, detach.

His anger is all his. You don't need to manage any of it.

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