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Tell me what you think about this(6 Posts)
This is my first post, although I have been a lurker for a while
I have been married for 7 years and we have a DS age 6 (nearly 7).
Since reading some of the threads on here, I had the irresistible urge to check on my DH a bit, just to put my mind at rest more than anything really. Here's what I've found:
There's this female work colleague (I'll call her P) who I have noticed is on Facebook a lot, and it seems that anytime DH posts anything, she is among the first to 'like' his posts every time. I didn't think too much of it initially, but I decided to look a little bit deeper, so read his messages on Facebook (wrong I know) and found the following conversation:
P: "How are your knees and feet now?" (He had done the half marathon about 2weeks prior and his feet were a bit swollen).
DH: "Well no carpet burns! How are things, we've been thinking about you?"
P: Wrote a long post about all the problems going on in her family.
DH: "We'll if there is anything I can do let me know.
I am trying to get my head around the 'no carpet burns' comment, to me they are the result of a bit of nookie? Can't see how he'd get carpet burns from running a marathon
Next, I see an email from work saying that he is doing interviews at work soon, and is booked out all day with P. I casually ask him about it, and who will be doing interviews with him etc. He said he didn't really know, probably one of his male colleagues. I pressed the issue a little further to see whether he'd mention her being there, but he didn't.
Next, he had last minute hospital appointment back in Dec, for which he would have had to phone into work in the morning to say he wouldn't be there. I have discovered that he also sent an email to P, saying he would be at hospital all day, and what tests he was having and that it was scary. There was also an email sent after the tests, telling her it was all clear.
It worries me that these two seem so close, and yet I was unaware of it. There are no kisses at the end of the messages, mind you, and they don't seem particularly flirty, but why the need for such a lot of contact I wonder?
The worst thing I have discovered so far, is a message to another female, who is unknown to me, (I'll call her C):
Here is a pic of me with DS! (He has uploaded a picture of himself in his swim trunks, looking really brown & muscly, holding our son).
"could not attach file using gmail (only just signed up to it). Don't use this email, as its my other work address, which other people have access to!"
The only other person that has access to this email address is actually me . He obviously did not want me to see the messages they sent to each other. I'm wondering if its a curious ex?
This email was sent in February 2011, around the same time I developed depression & anxiety I'm so gutted.
Also, I was unaware of this secret gmail address, so decided to check it out. I found it, to discover that the only email address he had added was hers, so it was clearly an account created just to talk to her. There were no messages on it, only a load of spam. Everything else must have been deleted. I know it's over two years ago, but I'm still shocked.
So now my head is spinning, I can't believe what I'm seeing, and realise that it's possibly the tip of the iceberg, as he has a new work ipad, which he uses to connect to his work emails. He even took it on holiday with him and was checking his work emails while we were away! I'm wondering how much him and P message each other during the day, and am feeling really insecure. I'm feeling like the trust i had has just suddenly vanished.
I've always generally trusted him, although we have had a few dodgy months while I've been trying to recover from this awful depression, maybe this P has been his shoulder to cry on.
The other thing is I'm now considering what on earth I'll do if we end up splitting up, I am not currently working, as I left my job to have DS, and am now struggling to get a job that fits in with his school hours. DH is the one bringing in the money. I wouldn't have the first clue about benefits etc. Where do I go to get advice about things like that? I'm really terrified to go it alone. I've had a lot of trouble thinking clearly since I developed the depression.
Sorry that this has been long, I really needed to get this off my chest, as I don't really have anyone else I can talk to at the moment.
Ummmm......it could be completely innocent and to be honest I haven't seen anything really bad in what you've described, so its best you try and calm down a bit and try and be rational.
However, I have been in a similar situation which ended up the worst it could possibly be (ie my fears were true) and understand the sinking feeling you're probably getting at the moment.
Maybe you just need to work on bigging yourself up and getting out of the depression, then work on making your relationship with your husband stronger?
The P situation seems relatively innocuous, the other one less so. However there is smoking gun at this stage.
It is understandable that you are concerned about practicalities at this stage but you didn't say whether you love him and want to make the marriage work. If you do, perhaps you could take this as an opportunity to reconnect with each other.
Could you suggest to him that, after your illness, you feel you have list touch with each other and you would like to get the relationship back to full health. Would he go to relationship counselling?
You need to talk to him honestly. If you feel unhappy with the type and content of communication then trust your judgement rather than dismissing it as irrational. Trust is vital in a long-term relationship and I think you have to give him the opportunity to explain what's going on whilst at the same time making it clear that you're uncomfortable with this friendship. It may be something, it may be nothing, but burying your head in the sand and not speaking up will only make you ill.
Thanks for the replies, they've helped me to look at things a bit differently.
In answer to the question do I love him? Yes I do, and would like to go to couples therapy as I'm sure it would really benefit us & improve our communication.
I very much want things to all work out for the best, but this is niggling at me, I discovered it all yesterday & hardly slept a wink last night.
I appreciate the different viewpoints everyone
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