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Woke up this morning in a foul mood.

(37 Posts)
Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 08:08:42

Myself and dh have had a strained few years, and a few months ago stayed at his parents (while they were on holiday) for a few days while we worked out our relationship.

This weekend I had family visiting, and dh was good, until he got drunk.

Friday night we went into town, all was good, drinks were flowing, and dh just seemed to switch, he started looking at other women but in embarrassing way, so I tried to get him to come back, all the while I being told to fook off, etc.... A lad came up to me and asked me where the best places were, and dh marched right up to me put his arms around me and kissed me, but not in a nice way. I felt sorry for the guy and tried to ask were the good clubs are and he just ignored us, poor guy looked at me like I was in desperate need of help.

That night, dh slept on the sofa, and unfortunately he wet the sofa (*i have to state dh has a medical condition, and this can sometimes happen, he can take medication for this but leaves him impotent*) I asked if he cleaned it up and I knew he was lying so I pulled the sofa out and sure enough our wood floor was soaking, but he said he thought I would clean it up, at this I got the mop, bucket and bleach and im afraid to say I threw it at him.

Our oldest child plays football, at his football matches on the Saturday morning dh was really loud and laying into him, I kept shouting at him to lay off as ds is only 7, and he does not need that pressure on him. Dh then swore at me and said "what the fuck did I know about football" I said this isn't about football, its about YOU damaging our child's confidence, he doesn't need to be told off by you constantly and then by his coach.

Saturday morning dh apologises and says he can't remember. Football issue he thinks he was correct.

So Saturday night, in our home time, me and family not really drinking, except for 3 of the men, which was dh.

Everything was fine, until we got home, then I became a bitch, slut (I've only ever slept with dh) he's only with me because of the kids etc....

Sunday morning I was at work and couldn't say anything as our children were present, but I didn't pull him aside and told him, did he have a good night last night and he said he did, I said well at least one of us did, after all I was just a fooking slut who needed putting in my place (apparently he was furious that he had to clean his own urine up and bleach the sofa and floor) he looked at me in shock.

So that was my weekend.

Today I feel down, I'm sick of doing all the housework, he does nothing (except bins, and putting the Washing away) but everything else is left to me.

However he does work 12 hr days, 7 days a week. And he is an amazing father, if he can he will do bedtime, pick the kids up from school, and do anything he possibly can do when it comes to our sons.

He rarely drinks as we don't get the chance too.

As a wife I just feel like I'm a cleaner, a worker, cook etc.... We go to bed at night and he turns his back on me.

I know he's had enough of our situation, he feels like I don't love him, and I do, with all my heart, I don't know of his weekends behaviour, is now finally got to me or if I'm taking my frustration at the lack of our marriage.

I don't know what to expect from this post tbh.

Flisspaps Wed 17-Apr-13 08:11:36

He is not an amazing father.

What do you get out of the relationship?

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 08:16:08

No flissflaps, I will argue with you on that point, he truly is an amazing father. He can't do enough for our children, he's a better parent than I am.

I don't know what I get from our marriage, a house, security, but relationship wise I honestly dot know, I feel as if we get to this star very few months, have a talk, nothing really changes, have a talk etc....

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 08:16:51

Stage, every few months...

Leverette Wed 17-Apr-13 08:24:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 17-Apr-13 08:25:44

Sorry, keifer, I'm struggling to make head or tail of your OP. weekend during which DH drank on Friday & wet himself, was (probably) still drunk Saturday & shouted at your DS (but later apologised but said he'd been correct (hunh?) ), drank again on Saturday 'home time' but 'later we got home ' (hunh?) and he ranted at you, Sunday looked at you in shock - them Monday he's back to his 12 hour days and you're fed up but you love him with all your heart but he feels you don't... Would it help to have some couple counselling so a third party can listen to both sides and give some shape/structure to the communication ?

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 17-Apr-13 08:29:37

You've got an extra child is what you've got.

Tantrums, showing off, pissing himself.

My, sounds a true gift from the gods.

(and I'm sorry for being crude, and that his urinary issue is a medical problem, so he takes the bloody meds)

And I second the others, the only amazing thing about him is you still love him.

All of what you describe in your OP, your child will remember for the rest of their lives. Believe me. You have described my Dad. (even down to my Mum having to clear his piss up)

Hullygully Wed 17-Apr-13 08:32:29

he is a total arse

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 08:34:24

Will read these when I come back from school run.

Food for thought.

Toasttoppers Wed 17-Apr-13 08:47:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arsenaltilidie Wed 17-Apr-13 09:16:25

If he is a good father then he is good father, there is no point in saying he isn't when he is.
However it seems like all your problems revolve around alcohol.
Either he sorts out his alcohol issue or ltb.

Flobbadobs Wed 17-Apr-13 09:39:19

Could I ask OP does he take the meds? I'm just wondering if he does and they make him impotent could it have an affect on his moods or leave him feeling like 'less of a man'? It could also explain in part at least his drinking to excess..
Of course I could be talking bollocks, he could just enjoy being a tosser to his wife.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 17-Apr-13 09:45:07

I thought the OP inferred he didn't take them because they made him impotent. Might be wrong though.

Flobbadobs Wed 17-Apr-13 09:50:45

That what I wasn't certain about, whether he does usually but didn't because he was drunk or just doesn't at all.

bollockstoit Wed 17-Apr-13 09:51:03

I know his incontinence is due to a medical problem, but is it made worse by alcohol? He sounds horrible, and as you say, he is damaging your 7 year old son's confidence. Not good at all. What's "amazing" about him?

OxfordBags Wed 17-Apr-13 09:52:34

Abusing your children's mother and treating her like shit is terrible parenting. It has a far worse and longer term effect on children than playing and having fun, etc. That's why a man who treats his wife this way can't be a good father, because parenting is not just what you do directly to and with your kids, it's the example you set, the atmosphere you create in the home, the lessons they learn, etc. The fun stuff matters less than this for their wellbeing.

And the football nastiness is not being a good father either.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 17-Apr-13 09:57:37

He is not an amazing father if he ignores, denigrates, controls and undermines you. Children model their future relationships on that of their parents. How you treat your spouse is also an act of parenting.

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 09:59:07

He took the meds for over a year, and in all that time we could not have a physical relationship, I was frustrated and so was he, so we took the desisions to stop the tablets, we are only in our 30's.

The wetting himself doesn't happen much, very rarely actually, he's mortified by it, but as all the men in his family have it, its just laughter about, but the weekend incident, it just made me see, that I was right in my feelings that I just feel a cook, cleaner etc... I don't do anything outside the home its work, school run and household chores....

He feels the same, but he does get to the gym after work (his work has a gym) and plays football twice a week.

The football thing was inexcusable, but it was a one of incident, even tho he thinks he's right, in beig hard on him (ds was playing with his clothes, not intreated in playing etc) so whether dh was extreamly hard on him, I think he deserved a telling off, but that should have came from the coach, which it did but dh then told him off too.

I actually drink more than dh, I can handle my drink and know when to stop, when dh drinks tho, he does not, and can get abusive with it.

This is just this weekend incidents, he doesn't drink much, first time this year, none at all last year, but when it does it gets like the above.

I honestly don't know what I'm look for in this thread tbh.

I really don't.

All I know that this mood I have is because of my feelings to him.

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 10:04:56

Flob, when he took the medication, he did not feel like a man, he felt worthless, as we do have a good physical side, and because dh shows his affection through sex, he felt that he was just my friend and provider, rather than my husband.

he does cuddle me, do little things that mean much to me, but to him the physical side was a massive part in him being my husband and tbh I missed that side of our relationship.

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 10:06:12

Just realised I've made a error, dh drank twice last year, in 2010 he drank nothing.

Flobbadobs Wed 17-Apr-13 10:16:52

Ah, right I was clearly talking bollocks with that bit then.

Can you get some counselling alone? You'll get fabulous advice on here but talking with a professional could help you sort things out in your own head. Would he have separate counselling?
You need some time to yourself as well out of the home, not work just a regular time to be yourself. He gets to play football and go to the gym, you should have that too.
He needs to understand that he obviously can't handle alcohol at all if he can't stop after a couple of pints he shouldn't bother.
Wrt to the football incident he needs to back off. My DS plays and if any of the parents interferes or starts yelling at the children they get a rocket up their arse off the coach! In our league parents can be banned from the touchline for abusive behaviour, he needs to think on this..

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 17-Apr-13 10:18:37

And the excuses for him begin........

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 17-Apr-13 10:23:29

I think, OP that you have got more than you bargained for from this thread and that you are now backtracking.

I suspect shortly you'll be telling us how he helps little old ladies across the road and takes kittens in.

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 10:26:45

If telling the truth is excuses then so be it, I'm not about to tell lies so it makes me look better, or him worse, to get good honest advice only the 100% truth will do.

The counselling he's always refused, but I can ask again,I'm already on the waiting list to get counselling for myself, 7 months and still waiting, but I do get letters every 3 months to say how long they think it will be.

I need to do something, for myself, I do resent him, he goes to work and back, and seems to me have a easier life.

Whilst I feel I do the bulk of it, childare, meals, food shop, all those things that I feel he just takes for granted.

I'm currently having a massive stress, as our childminder just packed it in without notice, so I'm currently begging, pleading etc... For child care for our youngest.

And of course as he leaves at 6am and gets in at 6pm its all left down to me.

Keifersutherland Wed 17-Apr-13 10:30:09

I've been on MN to know exactly how this works.

I'm not backtracking, I'm telling the truth, the sime facts and the story within them facts.

Its jut the way life is, I've never once said he's a good husband, or he is a decent person to me etc... He is a good father tho, that I cannot take away from him.

All I can ever be is honest. With that honesty I don't know what will come f it.

I have to go to work now, so will have abloom tonight as I don't finish untill after 5.

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