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What do i do?

(194 Posts)
pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 22:39:51

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

wonderingagain Sat 20-Apr-13 16:55:13

Hi Pedro Im sorry my vision didn't turn into a reality and that you didn't drive over his golf clubs. So you have cancelled sky sports and had a word but he has called you names and made some promises. What men like this do is placate their victim enough to keep things ticking over. I'm not saying things won't turn around but try to remain impartial and observe what really changes.

Judging by his aggressive reaction it is likely that this won't get better. Have you looked at the links on the EA thread?

wheredidiputit Sat 20-Apr-13 08:00:53


You are already a single mum, with addition of an overweight lazy 36yr old kid in your house.

How long have you given him to change.

AnnandBarryAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 07:45:51

Pedro, the best piece of advice I ever read on here was "if you think you are depressed, first check to see you are not surrounded by arseholes". In your case I'd say you are surrounded by arseholes pet. You just can't see it.
Actually he sounds a lot like my Dad. He earned a six figure salary, spent it on himself and his mates and left my mother to do pay the bills and raise the kids on her dinner lady wages. It didn't end well for him.

You're (inadvertently) setting your DC to believe they are second class citizens in the house of cocklodger. Any home which revolves around the needs, or demands of one person is not a healthy place to be. Not to mention the abusive language and the obvious fear you are experiencing in this relationship.

I really really want to do an Elin Woods on that Jag.

lunar1 Sat 20-Apr-13 07:14:49

Unless he has been to the job centre or the Gp then, no he is not really trying

fuzzpig Sat 20-Apr-13 07:01:57

And telling you that you are mental is a classic sign of an abuser. Huge red flag.

fuzzpig Sat 20-Apr-13 07:00:40

He's not trying FFS he called you a slut!

He is manipulating you. Get him out.

Lavenderhoney Sat 20-Apr-13 04:55:49

He called you names and called you mental and you are still there?

The fact he started to argue with you and call you names - he has no intention of changing and if he did would have sorted it all out months ago and got a job. Get rid of his car and golf clubs - and stop paying for it. Does he have a golf club membership?

And what are the consequences if in a weeks time he isn't pulling his weight or just doing the bare minimum? Does he leave?

Go and see the doctor if you want. Give them this thread and see what they say. The other option would be to call women's aid and explain that your dh thinks you are mental and you would like clarification that he is right. Tell them all the stuff on the thread, no minimalising or skipping bits that show him up for the nasty piece of work he is, and explain he is always saying you are mental. What a joker!

Is he doing housework now, or is he waiting for you to paint and decorate the house first?

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 19-Apr-13 20:57:40

OMG. Op you need to shake yaself and stand up to him. do you want to save this marriage? if you do, you've got to stand up for yourself and not be making bloody sandwiches! i think it sounds like he's gone off the rails. could it be depression? putting on over 6stone. hmmm. tough for you. there is no way i would put up with that and neither should you. brew

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 20:50:04

Trying ?

He calls you a slut and says you are mental ?

yeah, I can see he is "trying" alright

trying to destroy you

AllOverIt Fri 19-Apr-13 20:35:40

Someone who is really trying will get off their arse and get a job. He'd tell his family what for and he'd start treating you with respect.

Anything less is not trying.

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 20:32:11

He has told the inlaws to stop coming around constantly which is a massive start. I think he's really trying. I hope to god he is.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 19-Apr-13 19:59:17

Holy shit. This thread has made me so angry.

I'd like to cunt punt your mother in law.

Pozzled Fri 19-Apr-13 19:33:14

Pedro, this man is manipulative, uncaring, an extremely bad role model for your family. (I'm being incredibly restrained in my choice of words). He does NOT love you in any way, he sees you as his own personal servant and bank. He doesn't seem to care about anyone other than himself.

He is insulting and demeaning you so that you won't have the courage to leave, and then blaming you for making him angry.

From here, I see absolutely nothing to love or respect about him. It's very clear to everyone on this thread that you're a very strong person who would be better off without him.

I hope you can come to see that yourself soon. Keep talking.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 19:27:07

Yes "slut" is always the first thing to come to mind when you are angry with someone


well, it is if you are an abusive person, I suppose

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 19:25:56

he is an arsehole

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 19:21:33

He said he called me that because he was so angry with me. He didn't mean it, or so he says.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 19:09:01

Oh dear

Staying with a man who calls you a slut is not "good for the family" in any way, shape or form.

BettySuarez Fri 19-Apr-13 18:52:17

He is deliberately and constantly undermining you to ensure that you continue to have a low opinion of yourself, feel worthless and helpless.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't value you or your children. He wouldn't treat the mother of his children this way if he did.

You need to STOP listening to what he says and START listening and believing the posters on this thread

JammySplodger Fri 19-Apr-13 18:45:21

Depression? Caused by him making you feel like shit all the time? Seriously, if you do feel like that, go see your GP.

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 18:34:17

I probably do need mental help. I'm so down all the time.

JammySplodger Fri 19-Apr-13 18:03:37

Oh dear! I really can't see much about that that's good for your family. I'd be re-writing that list if I were you. In fact, there was a thread not long ago on a Bill of Rights, listing what you should expect for yourself. I can't link as I'm on the bus but it was within the last couple of months, under Relationships. Worth a look.

StuffezLaYoni Fri 19-Apr-13 17:53:55

Pedro, I long for the day you realise this man (and any who calls their partner these things) is a piece of shit.
We'd all fucking like to stop working our fingers to the bone and still live like kings but we don't. He is banking on you repeating the mantra of "but I love him."
Accusing you of needing mental help is yet another tactic to make you feel like a worthless, unintelligent turd.
You sound really nice, I hope you get rid of this waster.

AllOverIt Fri 19-Apr-13 17:41:20

He called you a slut? angry

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 17:37:05

I told him that if he doesn't start helping me then he can get out. I wrote a large list of things of things in our life that i want to change.
I have cancelled SKY sports, i didn't want to cancel the rest because i love Sky 1 grin

He made tea both nights and promised he will change. Fingers crossed he will but i am very doubtful.

I will admit that our discussion did get pretty heated, he called me a slut and said i was dumb. I also need to see a shrink apparently. But i will let that slide for the good of the family.

I hope i am doing the right thing x

BriansBrain Fri 19-Apr-13 16:51:24

How did you get on?

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