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Bit of a mess - need a virtual hug please

(29 Posts)
nowit Tue 16-Apr-13 21:14:47

H and I have been separated for almost a month now.

We had been having a rough time for 6 mths or so and then it all came to a head on Mother's day when he hit me repeatedly and then I told him to go.

He had never done anything like that before and has never been aggressive. He went to the doctors, is in Anti-Ds, he has been seeing a counsellor and was referred to Respect (Relate for DV afaik) and has been to sessions.

I haven't stopped him from seeing the DC at all and he has been here almost everyday and has taken the children to his parents etc, he is paying his way and being very very reasonable and fair about everything.

I miss having him around but i think all love was lost when he hit me and i very much doubt it can be recovered.

I am struggling as he is here a lot and 'makes' me repeatedly tell him that I don't love him any more, in a roundabout way. He tells me he wants me, loves me, knows that together we are better for the DC than apart. He tells me he has realised that he's been a fool.

He has moved into a flat nearby with no wifi/TV etc (although he can have these things, he seems to be self-flogging) and his only focus is getting back together.

I have told him that this can't happen right now, he needs to fix him and get to the bottom of why he reached that point, it will not happen over night. He doesn't seem to hear me and each time he comes round I end up sobbing.

I don't want to stop him coming because it's important for the DC. If I'm totally honest I am frightened that he will harm himself or stop helping financially or both if things start to not go his way.

He is totally alone, no friends or family that he will reach out to locally and i'm so so sad for him and for the loss of us - i just don't know what to do for the best sad

If you've got this far then thank you, any help or advice gratefully received - just feel a bit lost atm and very very tired of being strong and holding it all together.

moonabove Tue 16-Apr-13 21:22:19


So sorry for what you're going through.

I think you need more space from him than you've been getting, it sounds as though he just waiting it out and grinding you down til you take him back. That's not what you want or need and you've hardly had time yourself to process what's happened to your life.

Are you having any counselling?

CutMyFringe Tue 16-Apr-13 21:26:54

I just wanted to say well done for getting out and I can imagine how hard this is for you. There are some very wise MNers who will give you constructive advice, I'm sure, but remember you're not at fault here and he can't expect you to rewrite history. Can he see the DC at his place so it's not so intense?

nowit Tue 16-Apr-13 21:27:29

No, i'm not.
I don't have the time or the funds right now. I have a few very lovely friends but I am finding it really hard to talk. Writing it down helps.

moonabove Tue 16-Apr-13 21:31:52

How long had you been together? Was there no history of abuse from him at all?

nowit Tue 16-Apr-13 21:32:29

Hi CutMyFringe,

No, he can't have them at his place. it's a studio flat in a larger building, no kids - it makes it so intense.

I've tried going out in the evening and leaving him with the DC, that helps but it feels so odd.

nowit Tue 16-Apr-13 21:35:11

We were together 11 years, married 7. 3 DC.
No physical abuse at all - I was 19 and he was 28 when we got together. I grew and changed and he didn't.

CutMyFringe Tue 16-Apr-13 21:35:56

That is tough. You having to go out must also be impractical, too. Is he simply hanging on for you to change your mind? His living set up sounds rather temporary?

moonabove Tue 16-Apr-13 21:39:43

I would feel the same as you about the violence - it's such a terrible betrayal there would be no way I could love or trust him after that.

sleeton Tue 16-Apr-13 21:42:21

nowit I am so sorry you are going through this. Sweetheart, this might seem like a strange question (but sometimes people don't realise), you do know that he is still abusing you, don't you? Just as surely and certainly as he did on Mother's Day.

I do understand the pressure is piling up, but if you have got time to ask for help, you have got time to call Women's Aid (I haven't yet mastered links on MN yet, but I'm sure someone will be here with it in a moment).

Call them. Please. You need guidance through this and I'm fearful for you. It sounds to me as if he is still threatening you, albeit in a less overt way (for the moment),

nowit Tue 16-Apr-13 21:52:30

Thank you Sleeton, your msg has made me sob.
It's good to cry and i will feel better for it, i'd just like a hug and someone to listen. Thank you

OxfordBags Tue 16-Apr-13 22:00:11

He is still abusing you, only emotionall right now. I don't understand why he can't have the kids in his flat, unless there is a blanket ban on children in the property (which I think would be illegal anyway). It sounds like he is spinning you a lie to keep on being able to you them as easy access to get his 'fix' - his fix being seeing the results of his addiction to abusing and mindfucking you. Abusers love to make fuckwitted and illogical things sound perfectly reasonable. Stop falling for this crap.

Don't put too much faith in the Respect course. The best that most of those courses can do is just teach abusers how to walk the walk, talk the talk and say what their victims, existing or new, want to hear from them. Which, paradoxically, gives them more ways to keep abusing and confusing you.

Being an abuser is a form of personality disorder. Most personality disorders are incurable, and if they are treated successfully, it is after years, possibly a lifetime, of extensive and intensive psychotherapy.

Finally, if your DC witness him doing all that emotional manipulation and abuse, it is abuse to them, as it very damaging and confusing for them to witness. Sadly, as he seems unable to control his own behaviour, if you don't get more assertive and shut it down, it makes you culpable in letting it hurt them. Step away from his abusive drama, don't get embroiled. Detach.

nowit Tue 16-Apr-13 22:12:06

Thanks Oxford,

I do see it but i find it really really hard to detach. I want him to talk to someone in his family/ have someone to listen, a friend but he has no one.
After he hit me, he went and I didn't hear from him until that evening when I sent him a message asking if he was ok. He was in a park with a load of pills, I later found out.

I am shit scared he will do it - what would that do to the DC?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Tue 16-Apr-13 22:17:28

Change the locks. Do not let him into the house anymore. He can take the kids out and they can stay at his - he cannot come into your house anymore. It is your space, it should be safe for you.
Call Women's Aid - they can advise on the legal stuff and give you support too.
Do not let him talk to you to the extent that you start crying. If you feel yourself getting upset, end the conversation and ask him to communicate about practicalities via email. Going over and over the emotional side of it will not help you, it undermines your strength (as he clearly knows).

You are not responsible for his life - he is. Focus on you.

Sorry to sound harsh - wishing you strength x

sleeton Tue 16-Apr-13 23:46:46

Oh, I didn't mean to make you sob nowit but I do hope you feel a little bit better for having been able to let some of it out. You do need a hug, don't you? It's at times like this, no matter that we're grown up with responsibilities of our own, that the need to be hugged and taken care of becomes almost overwhelming.

Do you have family around nowit? Someone in RL that you can talk to, or who could be with you, now and again? It is very very important that you have someone to talk to, or to spend a little time with, because the isolation that comes with this sort of abuse is, in itself, part of the abuse. It diminishes you further.

Can I urge you, please, to contact Women's Aid? Please. Would you be able to do that? They won't put pressure on you and they will offer you lots of practical help and advice, as well as emotional support.

I hope you will contact them. Will you let us know?

nowit Wed 17-Apr-13 09:05:55

Thanks all - feeling a bit more together today - although had a few mums asking if I was ok at the school gates - I had to fight to not tear up.
I hate this. Going to talk to my sister later and maybe women's aid but i feel a bit like a fraud

sleeton Wed 17-Apr-13 12:38:43

You are not a fraud. You have been physically abused, you continue to be emotionally abused and (as far as I can see, I'm afraid) the threat of recurrence of the physical abuse has not been eradicated.

You are not a fraud. You are exactly someone who should be talking to Women's Aid and your sister. I'm very proud of you for making the (difficult) decision to do that.

I hope you can let us know how you are and that you've managed to get some support in place.

TheYoniKeeper Wed 17-Apr-13 12:45:50

This man is terrorizing your head are most certainly not a fraud.

Agree with somewherebeyondthesea

nowit Wed 17-Apr-13 14:10:42

I don't want to upset him or make him stop seeing the DC - I need his help, I can't do this alone it's all too huge.

What will Women's aid do? I don't want to report him - everyone thinks i'm coping so well - i'm really not.

sleeton Wed 17-Apr-13 14:37:50

Sweetheart, if you feel like this I don't want to upset him or make him stop seeing the DC - I need his help, I can't do this alone it's all too huge it sounds like you could have been subject to emotional abuse for a while now.

Okay Woman's Aid.

First of all, let me tell you what they won't do.

Women's Aid will not break your confidentiality.
Women's Aid will not do anything you don't want them to do.
Women's Aid will not force you to do anything.
Women's Aid will not put pressure on you to sway you towards a course of action.

Broadly, here are just some of the things they do.

They will give you confidential support, information and advice.
They can advise you about your legal rights.
They can advise you about housing, benefits, and financial rights.
They can help you plan the steps you take, safely, for you and your children.
They give emotional support.
They can refer you to counselling services
They can also give face-to-face support, have community drop-in centres and outreach services.

You can call their National Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It's free from a landline or phone box.

If you prefer, your sister could phone for you or you and she could phone together. Have you told your sister yet?

nowit Tue 14-May-13 12:05:59

Hi all,

Sorry to bump my own thread but i'm in a bad place today and just wanted to talk and ask for some help.

I have managed to make contact a bit more regimented but he is being inappropriate (asking for sex etc). I don't want to stop contact because I need the help financially and the children need to see their day especially DS 6 but I get no respite, no let up, it's relentless.

I work FT and I love my job, it's keeping me going atm but he is away a lot and hasn't been around the past two weekends and I am exhausted. DS has been having nightmares, DD2 is up at 5.30 and I have all the bills, housework etc etc you all know how much there is to do.

I have reached out to a few friends but not really told them the full story, there are people around but i feel like a huge burden - I am very good at looking like i'm coping, i fight and push through and get the DC sorted and my house if tidy but when i am alone i just sob. I don't want Anti-D's I just want to get over this hump.

I want to feel good again, how do I do that? Sorry for the ramble

Charlesroi Tue 14-May-13 13:16:03

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling crappy today, but please don't be so hard on yourself.
It's good you've made things a bit more regimented. Is your H still coming to your house? I guess he must be if he's hassling you for sex (the deluded f-wit).
You really don't have to pretend to be on top of things all the time - pick up the phone and talk to a friend, and be honest. They'll understand and help if they can.
If you haven't sought legal advice (or looked into benefits, if he decides to play silly buggers with money), then do so as soon as you can. Access to money can be in your control and remove one of his weapons (and one of your worries).

Is it possible to get childcare and have an evening out with colleagues or friends? You know - have a drink or two and talk rubbish.

Lemonylemon Tue 14-May-13 13:26:44

OP: Call WA again. Go and see your GP. Speak to CAB. How about Sure Start? They have people who can help out.

It's exhausting working full-time, dealing with the kids and doing the housework. Leave it one evening and just have a pizza and cinema night with your DCs. It will wait. Or alternatively, look up the Fly Lady thread on the Good Housekeeping board here.

nowit Tue 14-May-13 13:49:08

Thank you for coming back to me - it's just nice to be able to share.

I'd love a night out but right now if there is a prospect of a night off i just want to sleep - the thought of another late night and early start for 'fun' i'm not there yet - i'd want the whole weekend <selfish>

I keep busy and I have friends round. H came last night and I asked him to watch them while I had a shower and plucked my eyebrows - I end up rushing and locking the door because he has offered to 'scrub my back' and i'm worried he'll come up. I've told him lots that 'we' are over but he won't let go. I don't know how to deal with that.

I feel a bit trapped or perhaps I'm just in a bad place today because i haven't slept enough - i'd like to be scooped up and put into bed and stay there for 12 hours and someone just keep the wheel spinning sad <hides tiny violin> it's just all so self-serving, I need to dust off and get on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 14:04:13

I think you're going to have to make a huge effort to get this man out of your life and stop thinking you have to do all this single-handed with no help. Understand what you're saying about finances and contact with the children but having him dropping by every five minutes offering back-scrubs or whatever is no good for you whatsoever. It's positively unnerving. You may have to take people into your confidence, call in favours or pay out more cash in the short-term but, whatever it takes, you can't have him acting like he's still your partner.

It is not self-serving to need help.

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