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Arghhh need help please!

(12 Posts)
catkin14 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:57:54

So, i left H 6 weeks ago (married 27 yrs, he EA n v clever but dont think he knew he was doing it?) , felt fairly ok and together till yesterday when we had to meet to sort some stuff out.
He said what happens now and i said money needs to be split. He is still living in our house, everything in joint names. At that he said i had taken his family, his life and now i wanted to take his house and money from him. I have been a sahm for 15 years and need and have worked for my half, but he says just because i am entitled to it doenst mean i have to take it....??!
He calmed down and we talked a while, i am now questioning everthing i felt and thought, did i dream that i dont love/respect him??
I feel so crap today, feel that by talking i have given him hope and i just dont know anything anymore.
Please can someone help me see sense... : ( I felt so sure.

TeenyW123 Tue 16-Apr-13 20:26:03


A bit of support for you. Think long and hard about why you left him 6 weeks ago. Write it down - all the nastiness etc that made you think you'd be better off by yourself. Read it back to yourself.

Read some of the threads in Relationships. You'll see that there's a lot of wobbling goes on whether your actions are/were correct. And every time all the lovely MN posters shout NO! NO! NO! What you did was right first time!

The "what about poor me, then?" is par for the course. Be firm. Get some RL friends and family to support you. You'll get over this, slowly but surely, my lovely.


catkin14 Tue 16-Apr-13 22:48:06

Thanks Teeny
That makes sense, and a good idea to write it down.
The poor me is awful, i feel so responsible so think i will email him instead of face to face.
Why would he think that begging me or blackmailing me would make me want to stay? !

GettingBig Tue 16-Apr-13 23:56:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dondon33 Wed 17-Apr-13 00:17:08

Stay strong catkin - recall to the front of your mind all the reasons why you left him. Write it all down if necessary.
By speaking to him in an adult fashion about going forward, the house, finances etc.. Was in no way giving him hope, absolutely not.

I slept with my ex AFTER I'd left him and drunkenly called him (when I knew he was just sitting waiting for this call) - That was giving someone hope - I shouldn't of done neither, I feel guilty but it happened.

Regarding the house- don't feel guilty if it needs to be sold - you have put just as much hard slog and commitment into it being a SAHM as he has paying for it. Imagine how much it would have cost him to pay someone to raise his children and keep his house.

LittleEdie Wed 17-Apr-13 00:17:25

You feel guilty. But he is to blame for his current situation. The law is pretty clear, and it's fair to have a 50% split after such a long marriage. I agree about e mailing him. You can let your emotions subside before responding and that can help things not to escalate. You don't want to be with a man who makes you feel so horrible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Apr-13 08:23:37

I'd also recommend that you don't engage with him very much at all from now on but put things in the hands of a solicitor. The standard tactic of the EA individual is guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, the 'poor me' act... and he's laying it on with a trowel. You've earned those marital assets ... you're not 'taking his house and money from him' in the slightest .... and you need the proceeds in order to make a fresh start. Take a step back and let a dispassionate professional deal with that side of things. They are far more difficult to manipulate.

Whocansay Wed 17-Apr-13 08:49:26

You really have to ask? Re read your OP. He doesn't value your contribution as a SAHM at all. He earned the money, so he should keep the house. That's what he thinks. That's fine if he wants to think that. You provide him with an invoice for half the costs of a full time nanny since you had your first child. See if he thinks your contribution is worthless then.

I agree with the others. He's trying to guilt trip you. Does he not think you and the children deserve a home too?

catkin14 Wed 17-Apr-13 23:24:37

Thanks for replies.
I am feeling a bit better now as its been a couple of days since i saw him. I have written an email to send him setting out what i want to happen with regards to money and that its legal. Solicitor will take over if need be but for now i would like to try to sort it agreeably.
When i left him i was so sure i was doing the right thing, it had taken me years to do but i was not prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions i have felt since i left.
I question everything i feel constantly, my mum hasnt helped by keep asking me if i cant give him another chance, telling me he told her he loves me so much etc. Told her i hear the words but not see the actions! She just wants everyone to 'be happy'..

Darkesteyes Thu 18-Apr-13 00:42:21

She just wants everyone to be happy.

Except you it seems.

Because you have to suck it up cos you are woman.

She sounds like my mum.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 18-Apr-13 00:46:15

I really would recommend a sol. You will need one to draw up the settlement anyway. A sol will ensure there are no unintended consequences to your arrangements.

LittleEdie Thu 18-Apr-13 00:58:55

I agree that sorting it out amicably is unlikely if he is emotionally abusive. I think it's important though to get a solicitor who won't inflame things further.

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