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Is this person what we call 'toxic'?

(12 Posts)
MrsRajeshKoothrappali Tue 16-Apr-13 14:27:40

I have a negative 'friend' and I'm trying to work out if she's toxic, a bitch or something else.

I met her at the school gates and we became friends, met up for coffee, I helped her decorate, etc.

I recently had a nervous breakdown and was signed off sick. Her sister is management of a place similar to where I worked so she felt she knew the ins and outs of everything related to my job. hmm

She started by telling me that 'at her sister's work' (sounds like we're 12, doesn't it) I would've been sacked as they wouldn't put up with me being off. She asked me continuously what was going to do about work (this was at a point in my life when getting out of bed and brushing my teeth was a huge task) to the point where I lied and told her I'd handed my notice in.

Her next questions were continuous 'what are you going to do now?' and 'how's your job hunting going?' and 'jobs are really hard to come by, especially now'. She knew I was ill, knew I was on medication and knew I was going through a rough time. Yet she was really demanding and wouldn't settle with me telling her I didn't know/hadn't decided.

Her husband recently forced her to get a job after years of her not working and I thought that she may have been jealous that I was now the one sitting about twiddling my thumbs - I wrote that off as a really silly thing to be jealous about though.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and hypervigilance. She's ex army and was really unhappy about this as she felt it was reserved for soldiers and people in high stress and danger. She made this clear and has distanced herself from me since this revelation.

If she's asked what I've been doing and I reply that I've just been chilling out she'll say 'why, are you sick', rolls her eyes and her pathetic mate titters.

Latest thing is we've (myself and DP) have been looking at buying a house, currently in rented but my parents are downsizing and have offered us some help. I haven't told her this but in discussion budget came up and it happens to be more than their budget was when they bought (not that I'm lording over her or anything). She now tells me weekly about how the house prices in this area are going to double (they're not - trust me) because they're building a local cinema hmm and again, because there's an army base 40 miles away that's been there for years . hmm

There's other petty stuff too, similar to the above.

I've written her off as a wanker but was wondering if this is the 'toxic' behavour we talk about. Or is it just insecurity?


CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Apr-13 14:32:36

Bitchy, bossy, judgemental and probably only hanging around you so that she can feel superior and/or dine out on your personal problems... Who cares if she's 'toxic' she sounds like a PITA. smile Avoid like the plague and, if you have to be in contact, don't share any more personal information. People like that can't be trusted.

chocoluvva Tue 16-Apr-13 14:33:48

Both probably.

Hope you're feeling better. Don't waste your energy thinking about her.

kneedeepindaisies Tue 16-Apr-13 14:37:49

Definitely insecure. This sounds like a couple of my relatives. Unfortunately I'm stuck with them wink but you can choose who you're friends with.

I'm not saying she's not toxic btw, I don't know enough about it to say either way. Concentrate on getting better and finding a lovely home.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Wed 17-Apr-13 09:30:56

I did think insecurity was the main thing. She also talks a LOT about money, what her husband buys her, how much things cost.

She's in one of those odd relationships where her husband gives her housekeeping (which seems to be a teeny amount) to buy food and everything for their children. He has his own account and a credit card, anything she wants/needs she has to ask him for.

She also likes to inform me when her and other members of the group are going out - I think just to ram home that I'm not invited. grin

I'm gradually distancing myself from her now. To be fair, I often share what she's been saying with DP and we have a good chuckle over it, so she's kind of providing us with entertainment.

Branleuse Wed 17-Apr-13 09:45:16

yeah shes a freak.

distance distance distance

Smellslikecatspee Wed 17-Apr-13 10:01:07

She does sound a bit toxic to me.

My definition of toxic is anyone who constantly brings me down or makes me feel bad about myself or constantly takes and takes and takes.

She sounds like she dose a bit of all of these.

As for her opionion that PTSD etc is 'reserved for soldiers and people in high stress and danger'...........Bollix.

Not matter what some people think this diagnosis is not one that is just chucked out.

I do hope you start feeling better soon and I do think that you would be much better off without her

OhLori Wed 17-Apr-13 10:44:11

Don't trust her with any more personal information!

Don't tell her any of your business!

I had a friend like that, always asking me when I was going to get a job when I was ill. Talking about herself all the time. Gossiped about everybody. I think she was a very jealous person, generally speaking.

Agree distance, distance, distance! And concentrate on making friendships with people that don't make you feel like s* on their shoes! Good luck.

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 10:57:20

Second not telling her any of your business anymore. Just change the subject or say " I don't feel like discussing it, now tell me about YOU"

And distance yourself, concentrate on getting better and finding a lovely new house.

She doesn't sound like a friend tbh, you don't have to be friends with people, just because they want to be friends with you. And anyway, a night out with her sounds awful, so you should be glad you aren't invitedsmile

Spandler Wed 17-Apr-13 11:04:45

I agree; totally toxic and totally insecure.

I'd distance yourself. Be vague with her if you speak to her.

It sounds like she is trying to project her issues onto you

Spandler Wed 17-Apr-13 11:05:53

I think she is jealous of you too. toxic, insecure, nasty types are generally very jealous individuals and home in on those they are jealous of and give them a hard time

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Wed 17-Apr-13 11:22:34

Ooooooo, I am glad I'm not invited. Not my thing at all!


Her new 'next in command' is someone she used to bitch about continuously. I have no doubt she bitches about me.

You're right, I need to give her absolutely no information.

She is very strange though. I can't imagine trying to put someone down or be jealous of them - I'd just be happy for them.

Being jealous of me is possible. I do have excellent relationships with my DP and DS whereas her relationships all seem a bit strained. and I do feel bad for the way her husband treats her.

Can't think of anything else though.


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