Going along with a lie to keep the peace, for now!

[sweetpud]

I have been with my OH for over 25 years now and we have always been best friends, having the usual ups and downs. Our kids have flown the nest now so its just the two of us at home, and we rarely fall out. I have always had a suspicious nature, can generally tell when someone is telling fibs, and over the years sometimes I have been proven right with these feelings, be it at work or with family etc.

Last week these feelings came to the fore, as one evening I had an idea that my OH had either been speaking to an "old friend" or to someone else, whilst I was at work, It was unusual that I hadn't heard off him at all that day. When I asked what he had been doing for the couple of hours that evening, I was told he was tidying up the shed, and sorting the shelves, but for some reason I got the impression it was fibs. When I checked this out the next day, I couldn't see any signs of anyone having been in the shed and it certainly didn't look like it had been tidied.

When I questioned this, an almighty row broke out, with me calling him a liar, then I was told that I was spying on him and had no trust so he stormed off for the day! He still stuck to the story that he had done some cleaning and that the reason I didn't see the changes was because he had put the rubbish in the far corner for now, underneath everything! I know for a fact that no one had been in there because I was the last person to go in and fetch something, only the day before.

He eventually came back, we talked and he still tried to say he had been in the shed and asked me what did I think he was doing? I just replied that I didn't really know, but deep down I think it could be one of two things, either it was chatting to an "old friend", which nearly caused our break up a few years back, or it could be talking on a webcam or something I reckon. I must explain that there wasn't an actual affair with this old work friend, I think it was stopped before that could have developed, but I went through absolute hell for a couple of months. I have lied really now to keep the peace, but have my eyes open for clues all the time, and its doing my head in! Please let me know your views. :-(

[LightAFire]

It's clear from all the hunting through the shed that you have (understandably!) got trust issues and this hasn't healed. I do think that part needs to be talked over - otherwise I worry you'll drive yourself mad wondering. Would he go to a counsellor with you?

Even if not I do think on the whole I'd probably come clean and express my fears. He may have been doing something completely different after all! BUT as my mum always says, don't ask a question unless you're prepared to hear the answer.

Also not trusting someone can be damaging in itself and he is obviously aware you don't. An issue like the one you went through is tough to get over but can be done so I hear! Esp as he didn't actually have the affair. But you do need to be talking to each other honestly I think.

Wish you the very best of luck!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

When liars get caught out, they get angry and defensive and turn things round so you get the blame.

We all say on here always trust your instincts and it sounds like these are telling you he's up to no good again.

Tell us more about when you almost broke up - what made you decide to stay in the marriage or was it his decision? Was it an emotional affair definition ? how did it end?

[sweetpud]

Thanks both of you for the replies, and yes MadAboutHotChoc, you are spot on with the comment about getting defensive and trying to turn it around!
When he had the "emotional affair" I had been keeping tabs on his phone for a couple of weeks and knowing he was working with her every day was destroying me. He always said they were good friends and that she had needed support at a bad time in her life and that nothing sexual ever went on.
I even ended up meeting her at a works do and it was horrendous for me, in fact that night back at home I gave him an ultimatum. I will never forget him saying to me how dare I break up his friendship!! I really don't know how we moved on from that time, when I look back, I become so ill with stress and worry that I had to ring my Doctor. To cut a long story short my OH moved offices and things eventually settled down again, the regular calls and texts stopped, though we did meet her a while after with her new partner, who oddly enough looked just like my OH!!!
Its been a couple of years since, and I still look for the signs now and again, but there has only been this up to now, if it is anything!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

So you gave him an ultimatum and he chose you but did not work on himself to find out what issues/traits in him chose to betray you in this way? Until he does this, he is in danger of doing it again. I would get the book I linked to earlier for you both to read.

Developing feelings for someone else is bound to hurt you badly - you must have felt so betrayed and devastated that he chose to invest in this friendship instead of his marriage.

[LightAFire]

Agree with MadAbout. Happened to me too - although in my case I never found until it was too late.

Definitely for things to move forwards I think he needs to work on his own actions since it sounds like he hasn't done a thing to help reassure you since the choice moment. Which given he made comments re "breaking up his friendship" can't have helped either. Without this I think you will end up highly stressed again - certainly living without trust was very bad indeed for me. But partners have to earn this trust if they have thrown it away once before, and even though he may potentially have been deluding himself it was all innocent with his "friend", you were still left badly hurt. And also, even if he is totally innocent now and just cross because of earlier guilt/a sense it was "in the past", your level of hurt shows it is not over for you.

Hope you can find some support and help! I do wish I had reached out more to people when I was in the same situation - you've already shown more sense than I did!

[badinage]

I wouldn't 'go along' with this at all.

But I'm going to be honest - I wouldn't have gone along with his response to having an affair either. He chose this friendship over your marriage and that's a sore that hasn't healed for understandable reasons.

So I'd blow this right open and would be honest. You don't trust him because he's got form for untrustworthy behaviour and putting his needs before yours.

[AnyFucker]

Would I do this ? No, it's absolutely not in my nature.

I think anyone would be foolish to do so.

You don't trust him, and tbh his immediate defensive and table-turning response speaks volumes.

he doesn't deserve your trust if he can still act this way

[sweetpud]

Thanks for all of your support and advice so far, I know that if I bring this up again at the moment, it will resort in another huge row. He will never admit to doing anything wrong, and though we don't discuss the past, I know for certain that he would still state that he done no wrong at all and that I became ill over it because I didn't trust him or believe him when he was totally innocent! You are all correct about the "friendship" seemingly being more important at that time, and I think that is what hurt the most as "we" had always been best friends. I am keeping my cool at the moment and waiting to see if anything else happens, or explains the "lie" last week! He would never agree to discussing this business with anyone, and is very stubborn!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

That must be a shit way of living - constant paranoid (justified though in your case), mental torture etc.

You do not have to put up with this behaviour.

[badinage]

I couldn't live like that. Nor could I stay married to someone like that.

I'm sorry that you can.

[LightAFire]

Madabout you're right, it IS a shit way of living. For me I don't think I even recognised how shit until after we had split, and although I was sad I remember this sudden dawning recognition that I had been afraid for a very long time. Always was wondering what else I might find out.

Now yep I am single - but I don't have to be afraid all the time. It's very liberating!

Sweetpud I know all too well what it's like where you are but your husband's position concerns me. Especially He will never admit to doing anything wrong, and though we don't discuss the past, I know for certain that he would still state that he done no wrong at all and that I became ill over it because I didn't trust him or believe him when he was totally innocent!

Whether or not he intended to cause harm to you, he did. I know one married couple where the wife asked to go to counselling and he responded with "I don't have a problem" - this reminds me of that.

You asked for views - well, there are two main choices here - you either bring it out into the open, or you don't.

If you don't, which sounds the way you would prefer in order to avoid a row, then you are going to have to find a way to handle these suspicions without making yourself literally ill. (As he might be innocent of any actual dodginess if you see what I mean.) I'd strongly suggest a counsellor to you personally - I think they'd be better placed to either support you in accepting your marriage/husband in a way that won't leave you back needing to see a GP, or in confronting him and handling the fallout.

But please, please do not go on suffering in silence. Whether he is innocent or not, you are feeling awful already, and that part really needs to be handled. Marriages do survive affairs - but it takes work. Ideally that should be from both of you, but my own counsellor taught me not to judge others by my own standards since we are all different!

Wish you the very very best of luck whatever happens next.