Toxic mum now trying to contacting my DH to 'sort things out'

[Lulu1984]

I've posted about my mum here a few times so sorry if you're bored by now! I certainly am.

We've had a lot of issues with her behaviour to us since we had DD and got married, shes very controlling and def has narcistic tendencies. She just wants me to do everything she asks of me. In the past i have done things just to please her but now I have my own family unit she can't accept we need time alone.

I work with her, (am def working on getting out of this) and she has been having DD while i work. This is prob the main reason she is trying to contact my DH. DD has just received her nursery funding so now has to go 3 days, she was doing 2 that we paid for. So yesterday was the first monday my mum didnt have DD. Today, while im uncontactable as have my phone off, she calls and texts my DH to arrange to meet up with him to discuss our issues. He hasn't answered as she left a voicemail (phone didnt ring) and a text, but hes at work and doesnt want to respond while he is there.

She hates DH, thinks he controls me, has always looked down on him etc. Why is she trying to meet him. He does not want to see her and if they do meet up she really wouldnt like what she has to say. She can't accept that her attitudes are whats causing the problems, my DB and DSIL have very similar problems but have never told her her behaviour is causing it as know she cant see it.

I just don't know what to do anymore, shes full of drama! I'm exhausted and we can't take her behaviour anymore. I've tried being honest with her and she just cant see what i'm saying or down plays my feelings.

She wont be happy until we're seeing her every week for dinner, every other weekend for a day trip, calling her up every night etc. I work with her 3 or 4 days a week and just can't face seeing her any other time as its too much. I am getting out of this as soon as i can!!

She lays on the emotional blackmail, etc you're causing us so much pain your dad and i might seperate, or i don't have a reason to keep going etc. She has also said so much shit to my family, I don't know if they believe her or not but i've gone past caring now. She also tries to say DD needs to see us all socialising together, which i'd agree with if it was amicable but i think it would confuse her more. Mums behaviour has got very odd over the last few years and very selfish.

DH has been amazing he has tried to help me to sort things but he has alos helped me to see i can't please everyone and help me stand up to her which is prob what makes her annoyed as i always used to just do what she said.

I don't know if i'm asking anything, just rambling, but i'm so fed up with things i cant keep going through this crap!

[ajandjjmum]

I don't know your history, but is seeing your family once a week for dinner so bad?

[Lulu1984]

We have tried doing all these things and she always wants more ajanjjmum and we get ignored anyway as they just want to see DD.

If DH talks to her he won't hold back his opinion this time, (we've had lots of conversations with all of us and got no-where) and i don't think she'd handle the full extent of how shes making things for us. She wont accept it, carry on badmouthing us and we wont be able to go back on it.

If DH ignores her, i dont know what she'll do, but will use it to prove we're the issue not her. I think hes going to text back tonight and say politely, sorry but no good will come of it.

mum only has dd one day now which is why i think she's causing problems again. I know i need to find alternate work and am trying. She has starting using my job as a form of blackmail so i know things need to change.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

Get dh to text back "No, thank you". Polite, to the point, no arguing with that.

She hasn't got what she wants through you so she's going to try him. Childish.

And your answer to emotional blackmail ("I haven't got a reason to keep going") etc - is a sympathetic head tilt and "aww, shame, mmm, ah well must get on, things to do". Whatever she says, pretend she just told you she found a hole in her favourite sock, and respond accordingly. If it doesn't work she won't do it.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

Get yourself and your dd out of there as fast as you can. After that, if your dh does let go it won't matter. She'll either get over if for the sake of seeing dd, or choose to ignore you all - which will be nice for you. And either way it will be her choice.

[Lulu1984]

I have been doing that recently Bertha and thats prob why shes trying this now. She starts being dramatic and pretending to cry and I can see its just an act now and don't give any sympathy or anything and I can tell it gets to her!

the only way i can see this all ending is if we break contact, i'm just worried that means i'll lose all of my side of family.

[DontmindifIdo]

Is there any way you can afford to pay for nursery for the one day a week your mum has your DD or could your DH's family help out? That way you don't need her at all and she can't hold that over you. As for work, is she your boss? But either way, looking for a new job is definately a priority.

You dno't have to break contact all together, but the less you "need" her, the less control she will have over when you do and don't see her. You can just keep saying "that doesn't work for us" and only see her to the level you want. If she doesn't want to accept that then she might force you to break contact, but it might not get that far.

Definately go with Bertha's suggestion for your DH's text back.

[Weegiemum]

Apart from work, you're me 9 years ago.

Mother hated dh, no idea why? (Except maybe she was bothered that he was too "modern" eg cooked our meals sometimes, did the hoovering!).

It came to a head over a very serious situation we were in (can't say what) and she just stopped contacting me. Contacted dh, dh's partner at work (G.P.s), my GP, my psychiatrist, my CPN). Everyone blanked her, and she eventually called me - her last words to me were "I hope your dd1 never does to you what you've done to me". Yeah, cos it was all about her? And tbh she'd forfeited her chance to be in my life when she left the family when I was 12.

She blanked me completely at my beloved Gran's funeral, and only let me know (through other relatives) that Gran was dying 24 hours in advance, so we had to rush 3 hours away to see her).

I've had almost 9 years no contact. My dd1 is 13 and vaguely remembers her. Ds and dd2 don't. My dc have a fabulous Gran and Grandpa (my dad and step mum), a devoted Grannie (mil) and a really oddball but fun Opa (fil). They don't need the toxic influence of my mother and neither do I.

Please don't let her toxicity affect you. If you or dh must talk to her, go as a couple a united front!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Lulu

Sorry but not altogether surprised to see that your mother is still behaving the same as before. Now I see she has contacted your DH (to further get back at you and to give him a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings).

It is NOT your fault she is like this. She is not the nice person you thought she was and actually never has been. She was "nice" only because you danced to her tune; now that you want a life of your own she does not like it.

The sooner you are not working with your mother either the better and I would also now severely curtail the amount of time your DD spends with her at all. The one day a week she currently has with your DD also needs to cease asap.

If your DH does reply by text (and any reply will give her a way in so be wary) then it needs to be along the lines Bertha has suggested. Also remember that no is a complete sentence. Both of you need to present a united front with regards to this woman; you are more perhaps unsure of doing this anyway because of her conditioning over you over the years.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"the only way i can see this all ending is if we break contact, i'm just worried that means i'll lose all of my side of family".

Are any of them really worth keeping in contact with though?. You have to put your side of this across to them, if you are not believed then its still not your fault and they are not worth knowing.

[whethergirl]

From a quick read of your OP, it seems that you have given your mum quite a lot of power. Can you see that all she's done is try to make an arrangement with dh and you're in bits? Obviously I understand this stems from previous issues, but try to see the situation as facts.

Your mum wants to see DH, he doesn't want to see her. He doesn't have to see her. You can tell her if you want "Dh doesn't want to see you." If she lays on the emotional blackmail, then that's her doing. You know it's emotional blackmail, so don't be blackmailed! Don't take it on, leave all the drama with her, she created it, she can sit in it. You don't have to.

[Mumsyblouse]

You do keep saying 'I'm going to sort out the work situation' but why don't you immediately sort it out and simply leave her employment. I don't think it will ever work and all your attempts to edge out are not working, why not pick up some temporary work, tutoring, care work, shop work, anything to not have to work for her! Or sit down with your husband and work out if you can afford to have six months without working to tide you over for looking for a job.

Nothing has changed since last time at all, she still does childcare (one day less but still two days a week) and you still work for her, so she holds all the cards and you can't reassert the appropriate boundaries. This text is rather meaningless in the scheme of things, your DH just has to say 'no, I'd rather not meet thanks'. But I think you are not changing the obvious and I'm not sure why.

[Mumsyblouse]

And- if you want to carry on with her being your childcarer and your employer because financially it suits you, unfortunately I think to some extent you will have to put up with her rather controlling behaviour- because you are not prepared to limit the contact with her.

[Lulu1984]

Ok update from today

My mum cornered me after work today and starting moaning about everything, she called me a liar and said she didn't trust me and some other things so i just drove off.

My dad called about an hr later saying don't bother to come to work on fri (thurs is my day off) and dont bother talking to mum again, if i have anything to say i can say it through him then he hung up.

My DH has now gone round them to talk to them as hes upset that they've basically just told me I have no job and hes angry. I cant do anything as DD is in bed so just have to wait til he gets back. I said i didnt think it was a good idea him going there and im really worried that he will lose his temper.

I know this is a good thing in a way as im free from my mum etc im just worried about dh. I guess i knew it would come to a head at some point, its still shocking though! I'm in pieces, i'm going to lose my family, i know i shouldnt care as they havent given a shit about me in all this. What if i cant get another job?? I dont have anyone to talk to in rl about this at moment so sorry to bug you all here.

[DontmindifIdo]

ok - is your mum your boss? Has she just fired you then? If so, how long have you worked there? How are you doing lining up another job? If you are properly employed then she can't just do this - like any other employer, she has to have grounds for dismissal. I wouldn't let this go via DH - send her a message saying has she fired you or not and does she want you to work on Friday or not? If not, will you be paid for it?

You might want to get to citizen's advice - she can't just treat you like this because you are family, you are also an employee.

lose your family? If they take her side hten they aren't worth worrying about - not everyone you are related to are people worth having in your life.

[Lulu1984]

Yes she is my boss. The last few months she has been threatening my job against me, then denying it if i brought it up at a later point. She keeps starting discussions where she tells me how spiteful etc i am, when she did it today and called me a liar i'd had enough and got in my car and drove off. It was after i had finished work so hadnt walked out on work or anything, she followed me to the car just to have a go and i wasnt going to put up with it.

Mum hasn't contacted me but my dad called said dont bother coming to work and dont contact her anymore.

DH hasn't come back yet and i'm really worried.

I know my family havent shown they care but its scary to lose everyone

[Lulu1984]

I don't know if i have the energy to go through citizen advice, small claim court etc.

I'm furiously job hunting now! We were wanting to move house and have someone valuing our flat tomorrow. Looks like that wont happen now.

[Lavenderhoney]

I haven't read any previous threads

She can't just tell you not to come in and not to bother coming back. If you are an employee you have rights and she must go through a procedure. Cab, plus you might have a lawyer help on your house insurance, have a look.

I wouldn't go back myself, it's clearly not going to work. Get your cv sorted, contact anyone you can for work, LinkedIn, agencies. Did you have any customer contact? You can call the nicest and ask if they would be a reference in the circs- no need for detail, just say " family problems"

At least you will have your dd, and can make arrangements. Its her to apologise now anyway, which she won't, so don't waste energy now, focus on a new job and your dd care.

Your dh sounds supportive which is great. You seem to have been forced into a corner but actually its forcing you to detach and not work with her or let your dd be alone with her, so all to the good really.

[DontmindifIdo]

Right, then if DH comes back having been told yu've been fired, then you go to citizens advice tomorrow morning - she can't just fire you like that, get over to the legal bit on here for advice as well, I think it would be unfair dismissal. You could sue her... She thinks she can do what she wants because she's the matriarch of hte family, but she's also an employer, she can't just ignore employment law because she's got a strop on.

Talk to your DH about that when he gets home, trust me, you'll feel a lot better if you start to take control and act in a professional manner even if she's not. (and even if she calms down and wants you to work again, I would go to your GP tomorrow, tell them how she's treating you, cry a little and get signed off on the sick with stress for a couple of weeks - she'll have to pay you. Spend the time getting applications done for other jobs, you need a break from her)

[candyandyoga]

I'm so frustrated reading this! Why did you subject your dd to ANY time with her? Why are you concerned about your job when it is working for her? Please don't take this the wrong way but you need therapy to understand that she is an emotional abuser and you are her victim.

Stay away from her and get some help please.

[DontmindifIdo]

Could you at least get signed off on the sick for a few weeks to get away from her? Trust me, any GP hearing this would sign you off.

[Lulu1984]

It is possible that i could ask for references from peopler we worked for instead of having to rely on her providing one.

I don't think I ever signed or agreed a contract with her so would I have a leg to stand on, other than she needs to pay me the hours i've worked between end of march and now.

I can see how its going to be a good thing, just so scary to not have a job. I've had one constantly since 16.

[BlueberryHill]

There are still implied terms and statutory protections, it does no harm to see an employment solicitor and see what advice they can give. At least you know your options.

This may not be reassuring at the moment, but she has played her final hold over you, your job. She must be desperate.

[Lulu1984]

I don't really want to go and get signed off work, i dont think it will look good to future employers.

candy i know i need to get me and DD away from her and at least this will do that. I had been working on it by reducing the time she had her but didnt really want to be in this position where i had no job.

Luckily we have some savings but we were going to use that to move house, if i cant get a job soon that wont happen anytime soon.

[Roseformeplease]

If I recall correctly, it in an employer's responsibility to provide a contract. If they don't, certain minimum rules apply and the employee has many more rights if there is no contract. See a lawyer.