I have very recently split up with my boyfriend.
He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating all the time.
He would call me names and then tell me he was only joking.
There was never any major physical abuse, just lots of little incidences which would hurt me and leave me questioning myself contantly.
He told me I was too sensitive, that he's just joking, that I twist his words and that I'm trying to start a fight whenever I try to discuss the incidences with him.
I'm going to describe one very recent incidence below which is minor but adds up to yet another of a long list in ways that he made me feel pathetic, scared and useless. I'll refer to him as ExP in the example I give.
I have recently moved house.
My new neighbours were having some work done in their house and the workman was outside my house sawing some wood.
ExP came downstairs after spending the night at mine (we didn't live together) complaining about the noise being made. I replied that yes, it was quite annoying but that it was in the week during a daytime so not a lot we could do about it.
Exp then said "The cheeky bastard is parked in your parking space too" I said yes I knew but seeing as I don't drive and don't have a car, it wasn't an issue and nobody was visiting me that day who'd need the space otherwise I'd ask him to move it.
Exp said that wasn't the issue, he shouldn't be in my car parking space- he was pacing around angrily at this point and raising his voice and I was worried my neighbours or the workman would overhear.
I told him again to calm down and that none of it mattered.
He then said "He's making a right fucking mess with sawdust all over your doorstep, I'm going to go out and have a word with him and tell him to clean his fucking mess up"
I begged him not to and said the wind will just blow it away even if he didn't tidy it up and that I wasn't bothered anyway.
He then lost the plot and started shouting that he was going to beat up the workman and the neighbours and make them think again about what they were doing.
I got angry with him at that point and told him it's not his house anyway, he doesn't live here and asked him if he REALLY thought that a bit of sawdust was worth beating someone up over!
He then started saying "Well, my Mum wouldn't just sit back and let people take advantage of her, she'd be straight out there saying something".
I told him I wasn't his Mum, that I don't agree with how his Mum handles situations anyway and that again it wasn't her house.
The whole time I was terrified the neighbours could hear.
I ended up going upstairs and crying and not knowing why I was so upset.
He DID go out and said to the workman that this is OUR house and he's in OUR parking space and that he worked as a builder and wouldn't dream of making a mess on someones doorstep and that the workman needed to sort it out.
Sorry for the long essay, it's just this incident in particular has been going round and round in my head and I'm wondering if I'm just being dramatic.
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Please help me-is this emotional abuse?
blueballoon79 · 16/04/2013 10:55
x-post. Good, and good riddance to him. 
He'll probably try needling you again, stay strong.
God, what a nasty piece of work. 
Yes you're right, ignoring is the only correct response. You'll never be able to "win" the argument because he'll keep moving the goalposts. He's a delusional fuckwit, and not worth your time. Can you get his number blocked?
I think you'll find your self-esteem improves markedly now, by the way. I'm never sure about the "self-esteem" stuff, it seems to me to be another form of self-punishment - "I must work on feeling better about myself" etc, which is such a vague instruction. How do you sit down and "work on" yourself?
I think a far more important quality in avoiding fuckwits is to trust one's own natural responses, which is slightly different (though it only works if your natural responses haven't been totally screwed with, eg by a very abusive childhood). Eg in the example above, you were upset and shocked by his aggression and unreasonableness - the ideal state is where you trust that your response is the correct one and do the logical thing of removing the cause. A lot of people get told, overtly or covertly, in childhood that their responses/feelings are not correct or not to be trusted - and this can happen in otherwise perfectly "nice" childhoods. I think if you sort out that and start doing what your instincts tell you to do, the self-esteem thing follows naturally.
It's not ok for him to shout and carry on in front of you either!
Are there any carers' groups local to you? Or if you have regular healthcare contacts could they put you in touch with other people in a similar position? It sounds miserable for you and you need more support, I'm not surprised you crave adult company. I hope somebody who knows more about this will be along soon.
A lot of other people on here mention the Women's Aid Freedom Programme. I've no experience of it, but I think it tackles exactly those kinds of boundary/self-trust problems so you can the abusive relationship pattern.
I'm glad your self-esteem is looking up a bit though. It deserves to, as you say, you've done the right thing and you are now in control.
I think your responses are probably always correct, to be honest, or as near as makes no odds - you sound pretty level-headed on here. If you've been involved with a lot of fuckwit men, then it's them who are the problem.
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