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Broody but relationship is deteriorating

(53 Posts)
bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 08:48:58

I am 36 and have one ds of 17 months. I have left this motherhood think late but LOVE it and now passionately want a decent sized family. Ds pregnancy was perfect but his birth was extremely traumatic, due to hie, meconium aspiration and born flat and had to be hypothermically cooled for 72 hours and separated from me for 10 days in an incubator. He is now the nicest toddler you would like to meet, and has come through pretty much unscathed, apart from some high frequency hearing loss, for which he will need a hearing aid.

I would love another child, by my relationship with my dh has deteriorated quite badly - I think through lack of sleep on my part, lack of time to spend together, we have always been a bit argumentative (but never in front of ds). He also has problems showing me emotion and sleeps in a loft room (never in my bed) this is largely his choice, but it also works with cosleeping. He uses the fact I would like another baby against me in an argument and says 'but we never sleep together' (his choice)

I feel torn. Part of me feels I should leave and start again, plan an escape strategy and cut my loses, but what if I don't meet anyone else before age 40.... Also I don't like the complexity involved in two different fathers if I can avoid it (though I know loads of people make it work well).

Has anyone experienced this. How did they get through it?

TheRealFellatio Tue 16-Apr-13 09:03:35

I don't really know the answer but I think it would be extremely unfair and unwise to somehow try to pressure or lure him into having a second child if you do not feel that he really wants one, just so that once you have your ideal number of children you can leave him -which it sounds as though you would. You are talking about him as though he were a sperm donor.

On the other hand I really don't see how having a second child is going to mend this relationship. It already sounds as though you have accepted his emotional withdrawal from you, and that you don't really care because you are so wrapped up in your child.

If you feel the relationship has truly run its course then leave. You may or may not find someone else to have children with, but that is the risk you take when a marriage doesn't work out.

expatinscotland Tue 16-Apr-13 09:04:01

'I have left this motherhood think late but LOVE it and now passionately want a decent sized family'.

You already have a 'decent sized family'. PLEASE focus on it before having another baby.

Phineyj Tue 16-Apr-13 09:07:26

Go to Relate with him before trying to have another child? 36 is not that old especially when you know you're fertile. Don't rush into this!

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 09:08:47

True expats. I guess I don't want him to be an only child, but it wouldn't be he end of the world, right??

expatinscotland Tue 16-Apr-13 09:12:28

It is not the end of the world. He is healthy. You owe it to him to do what you can for him. 36 is not so old.

I think I'd at least try for some relationship counselling.

BobblyGussets Tue 16-Apr-13 09:13:28

Get some sleep and strengthen your bond as couple before any more children. If it is just lack of sleep and adjusting to a new baby/toddler that is causing the relationship problems with your DH, then surely it is worth saving the marriage?

What did you love about him before DS came along?
Has that really gone?
Do you really want to throw chaos into all your lives?

Of course, all this is invalid if your DH has turned into a shit or something, but don't throw a good relationship away.

We has our two Dss nearly five years apart, because DS1 was such a busy toddler and I couldn't have coped with a baby. When DS2 came along, we found it so hard. The work didn't just double, it seemed to increase exponentially. DS2 didn't sleep and I felt suicidal some nights, I was so tired.

What you want, perhaps isn't what your family needs.

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 09:15:59

There were 5 years between me and my brother and we never got on because of the gap, I guess that's why I would like 2 close together

BobblyGussets Tue 16-Apr-13 09:16:16

My DS1 was an only child for nearly five years. I just worked a bit harder at getting him out and about, mixing with other kids and playing at home with him.
I have very fond memories of being on all fours, being DS1's dog.

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 09:17:49

Thank you bobbly, he has turned in to a bit of a shit, but I'm a moody arse sometime too I think..... Hard to see who is at fault

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 09:18:27

Lol at being on all fours wink

BobblyGussets Tue 16-Apr-13 09:18:36

Wouldn't it be better to "do" one child well, rather than two in unstable conditions?

How are things with DH? Do you still like him as a person? Have you had any meals/nights out together recently without DS?

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 16-Apr-13 09:19:48

I always think the last reason in the world to have a baby is because you are "broody".

What do you mean exactly?

That your baby is no longer a baby but a toddler? So you want the ickle biddy baby bit again? Look a bit deeper and try to identify a real reason for wanting another child. I don't like the "only child" argument (being an only daughter of an only father with an only daughter myself wink) but that's a more valid reason than feeling "broody" which IMO usually just means you have an urge to buy newborn clothes again.

And what expat said.

BobblyGussets Tue 16-Apr-13 09:20:10

Sorry, x-post.

It would depend in what way he is being a shit. Me and DH used to niggle all the time when we were suffering from lack of sleep, all that competitive tiredness shit, where no-one is a winner.

SkinnyLove Tue 16-Apr-13 09:24:16

Its not fair to any of you to go ahead if your relationship is this bad. No child should be born and raised in turmoil if its avoidable. I feel for you though, i want a third but my husband is SO against it, that I cant possibly contemplate it....it would damage our relationship.

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 09:37:05

Bobbly, good point about doing 'one child' well, rather than more badly.

I don't know what I mean when I say broody - you've got me there wink

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 16-Apr-13 09:57:42

I contemplated getting pregnant by XP again before I left so that DS would have a sibling close in age blush I never would have done it because you can't do that to a person, have a baby without them being aware of the full circumstances. I do wish DS had a sibling close in age, but I would really have struggled with two on my own, hugely. I do wish that DS had a close in age sibling though. He's 4 now and I really feel for him. I'm rubbish at the whole playing thing and he'd love to have a little playmate around.

If I were you I would leave and concentrate on your DS for now, but don't rush into a new relationship. If you still very much want another and feel like you could cope with two alone then there is always donor sperm.

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 10:01:28

Yoni, thanks for that honest message. I must admit I googled donor sperm the other night blush..... Just seems such a easy route if we were to separate, as i am crap at finding right men, but the implications are massive. Has anyone on here ever done it?

dozily Tue 16-Apr-13 10:11:02

You might think you and your brother didn't get on because of the age gap but it's unlikely to be the main reason. I know siblings with big gaps who are best friends and others with small age gaps who have very little in common and argue. So don't fixate on the size of the age gap.

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 10:17:13

Good point dozily. I always assumed it was because I was old enough to know what was going on, and felt displaced, but perhaps there were other factors at play....

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 16-Apr-13 11:25:04

Implications are probably less massive though than bringing another child into a relationship which you know is failing, or panicking because of your age and holding onto a relationship which isn't right because you know it will give you another child.

bordellosboheme Tue 16-Apr-13 11:31:02

I dunno yoni, growing up not knowing anything about your dad - that would be odd. My friend has a ds who doesn't know his dad and often asks about him. He's 3 so it may change.

qumquat Tue 16-Apr-13 19:52:30

My sister is 7 years older than me and we're best friends, she adored me from day one and we never fought. Please don't fixate on the age gap, I have plenty of friends with siblings close in age who grew up fighting and now barely keep in touch. Personality is a much bigger factor than age imho and you have no control over that.

Thanksforthat Tue 16-Apr-13 20:04:01

Hi
My sister and I are 17 years apart and extremely close.
Although she did ask me the other day if I was "sure" I didn't need to use the toilet before we set off for a long trip. I'm 35 hmm

Good luck OP. I'm raising an Only and have her involved in lots of sports etc. Yes I get sentimental. In fact I just had a miscarriage and am having Mirena fitted on Friday to ensure no more heartbreak. Time to accept she's an only child. She on the other hand is grand. So well rounded.

MrsSpagBol Tue 16-Apr-13 20:16:12

Hi OP

Not really sure what to say about the broody thing but just wanted to say that 36 is not too old.

I guess just reading your post I can't help but wonder if you care about your marriage at all? I don't mean to come across at judgey but I am just surprised. Have you thought about this?

Kids will grow up and leave (I know hard to imagine when your DC is 17m and there seems to be so much time ahead of you) but have you ever considered putting a bit more effort into your actual marriage?

I don't mean to criticise at all, you obviously love your son and went through a lot to have him - but are you really ok with the disintegration of your marriage?

I think you need to focus on that before anything else, imho.

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