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struggling to help friend - abusive relationship

(8 Posts)
HalfBakedCleverCookie Tue 16-Apr-13 08:31:24

My ex husband was abusive to me for 7 years, we split up, got back together, there were police & ss involvement. It culminated two years ago when he attacked me infront of our children leaving me needing hospital treatment. I finally found the courage to kick him out and move on.

My best friend has split from her partner a few months ago after he cheated on her. She has taken it really badly and has pretty much harrassed him and his girlfriend ever since. She is very depressed and auffers anxiety.

Last night she drove to his house and he ended up hitting her. Then they had sex and now she thinks he might consider getting back together with her although he has made her promise not to tell his girlfriend or rose he won't think about getting back with her.

I don't know how to help her and I just feel like it is overwhelming me. I know my friend needs me and I want to help her but i just desk like I want to ignore all of this and pretend its not happening.

How can I help ky friend.

onetiredmummy Tue 16-Apr-13 10:56:49

Your friend needs some help to detach from this man. It sounds as though she has fixated on him & she needs to move on, for her & also the man & his new gf.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex H & I'm so glad you moved on & are well clear of him. But your friend's situation is different to your own & I wouldn't label it as abuse. Obviously its unacceptable that he hit her, but she sounds as though she just won't leave him alone. He has a right to get on with his own life after their split & perhaps she is not allowing him to do that.

Would your friend consider counselling? Harrassment is a crime.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Tue 16-Apr-13 13:58:15

She is having counselling but I don't think its enough as she is behaving very irrationally. I feel out of my depth with regards to helping her. She rings and texts him constantly, reads his emails and now turning up at his house and refusing to leave. Ringing his girlfriend at her work.

I think when she said he hit her my mind started tarring it with the experiences I have had, now that I have had time to think I can see that while never ever acceptable there is a difference between the continued, systamatic, deliberate abuse my husband carried out and the acts of a man dealing with a hysterical woman climbing over his fence repeatedly and refusing to leave. That's not to say I condone it, he should have called the police to remove her instead but I can see now that both situations are different.

WafflyVersatile Wed 17-Apr-13 23:25:56

do you know her ex? Maybe you could talk to him and recommend he calls the police, gets a restraining order, legal advice or finds another way to handle this. No contact etc, if he's not already doing that. point him in the direction of websites advising on stalking, harassment, tell him to change his email passwords and make facebook secure! etc.

Of course hitting her and then sleeping with her hasn't put him in a great position to get the police involved.....

Have you any idea whether she was abusive within the relationship? Or whether they were both a car crash? Or is this all new?

HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 18-Apr-13 11:09:46

There wasn't any violence previously, they were just a normal couple.

I am scared to say involve the police incase her dc gets taken off her. She is handling it really badly though. She told the counselor what had happened and apparently they just said stick with the medication and the counselling and it will be ok in the end.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Apr-13 11:49:15

I think the best advice you can give your friend is to stay away from her ex, let go of any ideas of a reconciliation and get as much professional help as possible tackling her depression and anxiety. The man sounds like a nasty piece of work, happy to use whichever woman is handiest, certainly guilty of domestic violence but it isn't helping your friend turning into his stalker. You can provide moral support but she mostly needs professional help. You're not responsible for her. You can't 'save' her.

HalfBakedCleverCookie Thu 18-Apr-13 13:00:46

Thanks cogito, I think you are right, I can listen and support but I can't make her get better.

The professional help is a whole other thread, there just doesn't seem to be enough out there!

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 13:16:30

He hit her then she slept with him? the mind boggles, I'm not sure who's more unhinged.

I think your situation is different to the you're friends, I think she needs perhaps some kind of intervention.

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