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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

Caster8 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:54:07

Thanks Be.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 24-Jul-13 10:20:06

There's a new thread Caster see the link the post above yours smile

Caster8 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:02:50

I should have posted on here several days ago.
I realise I may get blasted for this, and if somone has an affair, then I normally think a marriage is broken beyond repair.
But, for some reason, in this case, I dont think it is.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 19-Jul-13 19:55:30

here it is

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 19-Jul-13 18:41:26

cjel Advance Search threads started by FuckItLifeIsTooShort smile

cjel Fri 19-Jul-13 15:29:33

I can't find new thread..Any one send link for me?x

FuckItLifeIsTooShort Fri 19-Jul-13 09:00:33

New thread called year one, sorry can't do a link thing on here.

Am going to leave this one with a huge squishy hug and stacks of really meant xxxxxxxxxxxx

fuckitybollocks Fri 19-Jul-13 08:45:32

Can't do fuckityfab, will try FuckItLifeIsTooShort

Scurries off...

AgathaF Fri 19-Jul-13 06:46:38

Hope you had a scrummy takeaway last night.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 19-Jul-13 00:24:46

What a lovely post FB, you're sounding positive and in control.
Yes, "friend" should be demoted, and as Donkey and cjel say, share nothing with her.
Your boys sound fabulous, a credit to you. Hope the takeaway was good, a good birthday all round, with the satisfaction of preparing your shower for the tiler.
I've always thought the "fuck it factor" a very important tool in life, so, as you have just referenced it in your last post, it's a great basis for your new name. And definitely lose the bollocks grin
I like Longtallsally's idea 'specially for the FFF abreviation
I still like FuckItImFabulous best - because you are grin

You need to give us a short list to vote on, some more good ones up thread.


DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Jul-13 23:47:25

That sounds a strong contender Longtallsally!

Longtallsally Thu 18-Jul-13 23:08:27

Long time lurker and well wisher here. Haven't had any wise words to add, but have followed your story, and hope to be able to continue to wish you well on a new thread. So pleased to read that you are feeling less sad and hope the takeaway was delish.

Howabout fuckityforgesforwards for the new name?

Happy Birthday flowers

cjel Thu 18-Jul-13 21:50:10

I'm rubbish at thinking of names but will vote on other suggestions!! Hope you had a great birthday - don't let the bedtime tears hitsmile
Also echo limit chats with 'friend'.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Jul-13 18:20:21

That's a good positive attitude. Have a great meal out.

As for that acquaintance, keep your distance, share nothing.

fuckitybollocks Thu 18-Jul-13 17:28:43

Thanks everyone. Still decorating. It needs to be ready for tiling from tomorrow. Boys all being lovely to me. Still nothing from friend. It is that one although I don't think he used Internet there in the end. Am surprised not heard from her today.

Good day so far. Indian takeaway tonight. Boys want to treat me for my birthday and I have agreed as long ad I can treat them for being fab! Should not really spend but fuck it.

Ok, new year, new life. Will start a new thread with a new name! Suggestions and votes I think.

Close enough so that all those who expressed a total lack of confidence in me can see I am getting there though smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Jul-13 09:53:55

~°+«*~° Happy birthday °~*»+°~

A new year, a fresh beginning flowers wine wishing you a happy future OP. Treat yourself.

cjel Thu 18-Jul-13 08:45:58

Hapy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday dear FB, Happy Birthday to you.flowersflowersflowers.
Thanks for all your kind words bewitched, Truth be told I have a very strong christian faith and God has helped me throughsmile
It doesn't alter the hurt though!! Also had someone tell me yesterday who knows OW that she is really niceconfused - How can she be when her h did it to her then she has done it to another family!!!
FB people told me that you find out who your friends are and its sooo true, another layer of hurt to deal with but i find it best to think thats life and accept what you do get from them not what you would have liked?
And no I don't think its you being needy - any true friend would have text at least every couple of days.
What are you going to do today? have you anything lovely planned?

AgathaF Thu 18-Jul-13 08:02:13

Happy birthday. I think you should treat yourself to a present from yourself, and also wine and flowers.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 18-Jul-13 00:56:46

Bugger, your sadness.

And sorry I fucked up your second bear smile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 18-Jul-13 00:52:16

cjel you are more than lovely smile how do you do it with all that hideous stuff in your past to contend with?

FB sooo pleased you're sadness is receding. Stripping tiles is hard, dusty work but very cathartic. My absolute favourite though is proper demolition, have you got any walls you need knocking down? grin

Excellent news about the shower, and the way it's been dealt with. Now, don't start feeling massively grateful to H, he's only doing what he should do, contributing to the maintenance of his children's home. V. glad he is doing it though.

It's completely normal to be fed up when a friend doesn't offer the support you expected. She doesn't really sound like a friend at all, her behaviour has been all wrong.

Now then... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! grin ! grin ! grin


How about a new birthday name?

AgathaF Wed 17-Jul-13 22:43:14

Glad you're less sad, and great that things are moving on with the shower. Chipping off tiles is hard work but worth it when you see the lovely new ones go up. I quite enjoy tiling until I get to a tricky bit grin.

Is that the friend with divided loyalties, the one whose internet he was using? If so, I'm not surprised that she hasn't contacted you. She seems to have another agenda entirely.

fuckitybollocks Wed 17-Jul-13 22:01:54

Less sad today. No tears anyway. Have been decorating so exhausted. Shower hopefully arriving tomorrow and plumber coming to fit tray before tiling (and check pipe work etc ). Chipping off old tiles and the cement is hard work!

Tis my birthday tomorrow. First one without him in a while. I wonder if I will get a present!

Think it has helped that he has now paid money Ito my account so I could order what was required rather than him buying it. I know it is a moot point but still feels better.

My friend returned form holiday yesterday. Since husband left nit a single text asking how I am and still no contact. That makes me feel fed up. Is that just me being needy?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 16:22:46

shock at cjel he must have been very dangerous. Life can be hard enough without enduring that sort of punishment. Well done getting away.

cjel Wed 17-Jul-13 12:51:49

Another one here who can take any amount of grumbling to!!
wrt the wondering why he didn't put in the effort for you, when my dd asked x what he was doing he said to her ' well you can't blame me it has been hard for me living with your mums depression' he has no concept that the beating, strangling bullying etc etc had any bearing on my depression!!!

It is something i spent time feeling sad about as it is the very core of 'why doesn't he love me' I just think that they really are so self cenred they don't consider what its like for you.
I know now it is nothing to do with me,i am more than lovely and you are the same.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 09:46:18

When I ask how you are I don't really mean, put on a happy face and be a brave soldier if that's not how you feel. You can open up on your own thread.

These are early days. It is like the old saying As one door closes another opens. Or a cynic might say, another slams in your face. Or a realist might add, a window opens and there's a ray of light but not quite enough to feel all right.

He seems to have scooted off quite unfazed, possibly you feel you are left standing in the ruins, you have made all the effort but seem no further forward. Give yourself time to gather yourself. Take a look forward not back. All the things you excel at, the prospects of suiting yourself, not creeping about hoping for wisps of affection from a man who begrudged you any spontaneous regard or respect.

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