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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

WitchOfEndor Sun 07-Jul-13 14:57:27

And don't forget that, whenever you have a conversation with him, only one of you is being really honest. He needed to forget he ever loved you to make it reasonable for him to have an affair and treat you this way. He needs to feel that he isn't at fault, which is why, after dropping his bombshell, that he started to say it could be fixed. So that you were the one to make the decisions. He can tell himself that its your fault that the split happened, he was willing to keep trying.

Of course he is ignoring any facts which don't suit his version of the truth. He has been cold and calculating and perfectly willing to trample all over your feelings.

Don't try and work out why he says one thing and then contradicts himself, he is saying whatever suits himself at the time. Just remember that you have done your best for your family, unlike him.

fuckitybollocks Mon 08-Jul-13 07:16:42

Well. I am at home and there is a hole. He texted last night to wish me good night. I was tearful before that so did not answer. Son number two is already worrying about when to see us and how to manage prom so we both see him. I do not have any answers. I sent him done stuff last night via son number one. Chopping board and so on. I appear to have pissed off my friend here, I wish I had thought to use pseudonyms, so hard to get straight without names. I invited her round for tea hoping she would stay for d while but she had to leave to pack for her houndstooth Tuesday. Was a bit forlorn last night. Wl try and arrange things better.

AgathaF Mon 08-Jul-13 10:26:24

It's going to be a learning period just now, for all of you. Learning to live with the new set-up, how best to make it work. I'm sure you're H could drive by to see your son go off to his prom. Is your H living fairly near now - near enough that your boys can just call round and see him when they want to?

I wouldn't worry about your friend for now, give a couple of days then drop her a text maybe?

fuckitybollocks Mon 08-Jul-13 14:50:43

Yes, husband is close by and the boys will be able to float between the two places as wanted, for the duration of the summer holidays anyway.

Apparently he is working at her home for the next few days until he has Internet set up. Bollocks. Predictable but nonetheless a blow.

AgathaF Mon 08-Jul-13 15:09:20

Whose home fb?

That's good for your boys, better for you too as you won't need to keep taking them there or having him come to yours to collect them. Repeatedly seeing him at the moment wouldn't be a good think, I don't think.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 08-Jul-13 15:10:02

Was trying to decipher "houndstooth" relating to your friend from your earlier post but now see she has offered H work-space. This is the one he exchanged kisses with previously? How very helpful. I guess it saves your sister putting herself out for him.

fuckitybollocks Mon 08-Jul-13 16:09:20

Yes that is the one. I think I need to get rid sad.

Sister brother and brother in law all came round for tea yesterday. Was good although I has plenty to do... Brother in law was absolutely fab.

AgathaF Mon 08-Jul-13 16:20:42

Shocked at your friend, and at your H's behaviour. I can understand that you feel this as a blow. You are right to get rid.

Great that your family are being supportive.

cjel Mon 08-Jul-13 16:35:29

I found the pain of friend as hard to understand as dhs behaviour wierd isnt it?

fuckitybollocks Mon 08-Jul-13 22:56:22

It is wierd. Hurts too.

fuckitybollocks Tue 09-Jul-13 07:28:30

There is a big gap here. Keeping busy but we all feel it. Got home from work last night to find 2 snd 3 had shipped out to husband for tea. V pleased they are doing that they want/ need but made it v lonely.

I feel pretty lost right now although it is very early days. Have fairly long time off work which might be good (more decorating needed) or might be grotty. Who knows.

AgathaF Tue 09-Jul-13 07:38:54

I bet it does. The only good thing to say about that is that at least you know now, which way the wind lies with that particular one, so you can minimise contact with her etc.

Hope you're ok.

fuckitybollocks Tue 09-Jul-13 10:36:17

I am ok thanks. Tired and regretful. Main worry is money but I am nearly clear about the current difference between income and expenditure (3 more things to check) then ready to start a cost cutting exercise to see how close I can get the figures. All helps me feel more in control.

FrancescaBell Tue 09-Jul-13 20:59:57

I've been reading this thread in chunks whenever I'm on site. Didn't someone suggest way back that he might have someone else lined up and that your friend couldn't be trusted OP? Did you also say they had something going on at some point?

Surely there's something going on between them then, if he's staying with her now?

fuckitybollocks Tue 09-Jul-13 22:13:06

He has not stayed with her. He asked if he could go there during the day to use Internet. As far as I know that has not happened.

Lots happening today. Row with boys as nothing done around the house, I cannot do it all and work.

Missing him, the help. I have paperwork that I do not know what is happening with. I don't know what has been paid. I need to contact people to find out.

I also miss him. I want to call him. I really do not want to do this. Bad enough to have to text re boys whereabouts. There are things I want to tell, things at work. You know, the type of stuff that only the person you see every day would know about. I wish he loved me. The boys are a little lost too.

Bad patch, tomorrow will be another day.

cjel Tue 09-Jul-13 22:17:16

That 'I wish he loved me' just says it all doesn't it?sad and tomorrow will be another dayflowers

AgathaF Tue 09-Jul-13 22:40:08

It will get better. You need time to adjust, accept, then move forward.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 10-Jul-13 00:08:55

Oh dear FB, I've been worried about you, I'm shocked about the behaviour of your friend , it kind of whips another rug out from under you doesn't it?
How long has she been harbouring desire for him? But he is a slimeball for going down the route of "asking her for help" when he could so easily arrange things independently for himself, it's very undermining to you, trying to remove one of your avenues of support. You can only wait and see how that develops.
The boys must be made to understand that if they are old enough to choose where they spend their time, they must also inform you, in advance and as they go along, what they are doing and where. It's completely unacceptable for you to have to chase them. That can be made more palatable and less naggy sounding by saying that they need to keep their Dad up to speed too.
They are so right up there ^, it's a sad time but tomorrow is another day and it will get better.
Sleep well and may I venture a small ((hug)) smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 10-Jul-13 00:47:32

There is a physical gap but in a sense there's been a gap for so long. Back in April you said very simply, "I'm so lonely. Being friends sleeping together... is soul destroying".

Right now even the crumbs he gave you then must seem better than nothing. It is very early days, it is scary but is it really worse than living like that?

I hope after the novelty wears off of Dad being installed elsewhere, the boys remember to act like considerate sons not lazy lodgers. A bit of leeway the first week or so then you are due some consideration. (The mundane keeps us ticking over during a crisis or new unfamiliar conditions but don't let them see you as a benevolent innkeeper).

fuckitybollocks Wed 10-Jul-13 08:22:29

Yes you are right.

Appraisal today. Usually he would be offering encouragement, he is not all bad.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 10-Jul-13 08:53:48

Very best of luck with your appraisal.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 10-Jul-13 09:16:22

fuckity you are an asset to the organisation. Am sure your appraisal will reflect that. Best wishes.

cjel Wed 10-Jul-13 09:31:09

thinking of you for your appraisal, hope it goes wellx

fuckitybollocks Wed 10-Jul-13 17:12:04

It was ok. A little better than ok. V low today. Some work deliveries coming to house Friday and husband has asked if he can wait in the house. I have said yes it would be ridiculous to refuse but I feel very sad about it.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 10-Jul-13 17:47:39

Good, well done, appraisal out of the way. Concentrate on "better than OK", I suspect that applies outside work too. You're great FB, you need to start believing it flowers

Now, I think you need to start doing some spoily things for yourself, ideally once a week. Haircut/colour, a change would be good, manicure, pedicure, facial, massage. Ooh and what about a bra intervention?! There's a thread running at the moment and I'm a new convert. Anything really that will lift your mood smile

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