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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 12:40:44

And yes. It is absolutely foolish.

Btw he was in sofa last night not me.

Sex, I think we have sex because he knows I want to feel close, not because he wants it.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 12:41:17

Well don't then.

There is no hope.

And are you saying yes to the OW dumping him and the fact that the kids knew about the affair?

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 13:20:22

Sorry. Yes to both of those. He is back for lunch and I have reminded him that he needs to make plans for the future. He left him to it now. Am going to try and avoid him and any talking.

I know I need to stay firm and clear. This is not enough. I don't want to just bumble along as friends. It is funny, our relationship now is far closer to that he described to his girlfriend than it actually was then! Self fulfilling prophecy perhaps? .

MadBusLady Tue 16-Apr-13 13:45:44

Give him a deadline - make it a month if you want to be over-the-top more reasonable than he deserves. He's had plenty of time to get his arse in gear and move on and he hasn't done it. You shouldn't have to creep around your own house trying to avoid talking to an unfaithful, unloving spouse who can't be bothered to give up on the free laundry service.

flowers for your new clarity. And yes, a self-fulfilling prophecy is exactly what this sounds like!

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 13:50:28

He will do nothing.

Don't leave it to him. Take action yourself. If you're married, start divorce proceedings.

Will you do that?

AgathaF Tue 16-Apr-13 14:10:32

As others have said, give him a fixed date (maybe after GCSEs finish) to actually move out, and make it clear to him that in the intervening weeks he will have to arrange his accommodation, and support you in making the other arrangements - utilities, bank accounts etc.

Trying to avoid him is not going to work. You have to proactive and make sure that this happens. He will just let it slide otherwise.

You will still be in this crappy situation in another five years if you don't get the ball rolling, or until he finds someone else to shag and move in with.

You are worth so much more than this. Your kids are too - they deserve a happy mum.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 14:35:25

So the affair ended when OW dumped him. In that case, there is no hope. He has checked out of the marriage mentally and emotionally.

Be strong and take control.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 15:46:30

I have just done more crying. I can't work out what to do. He seems genuinely confused and unhappy. I feel as though I should hang fire and see what he wants. I know that would be stupid. He keeps saying our relationship is as good as most people's our age.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 15:54:56

He's unhappy but he's not confused. He wants a roof over his head and doesn't want to look after himself or the kids on his own.

You're unhappy and extremely indecisive.

He's wrong about relationships being like this after years. Mine isn't and I've been married longer.

If you want to be miserable for the rest of your life - just do nothing. If the 15/16 year old is your youngest then the kids will leave home as soon as they can and that will be sooner than it might have been in a happy home. If they knew about his affair and their home has been this miserable for 5 years, they'll go as soon as they can.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 15:55:59

Why does HE get to decide? of course he is unhappy as he is in danger of losing his skivvy - it suits him to stay with you and continue to treat you like crap as he gets all his chores done for him.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 16:03:04

I feel as though I should hang fire and see what he wants.

I doubt that's true.

I think you mean

I feel as if I should hang fire because I'm too frightened to divorce

(which is understandable btw, but be honest with yourself)

MadBusLady Tue 16-Apr-13 16:16:19

My parents' marriage isn't like that and they've been married 40 years. My in-laws, ditto. (I know nobody really knows what a marriage is like, but there are certain features you can be sure about even from the outside.)

Agree with badinage about your kids sad I think it's a measure of the miserable fog you're in that you genuinely think they're not already witnessing a train wreck. They are.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 16:16:29

No, he is very wrong

Your relationship is "not as good as most people's of your age"

Most of those, even if the first years of hot lust have worn off still have mutual respect

Your marriage has failed. He is the one that has damaged it fatally. Time to gather your self respect now, love, tell him after the GCSE's are finished you are filing for divorce and it is best he leaves.

You won't get your "happy ever after" with this man. Some marriages can survive infidelity, but not this one, sorry.

You need to make your own happiness, and the first step is to offload the dead wood.

AgathaF Tue 16-Apr-13 18:19:26

Why should you "hang fire and see what he wants"? Haven't you given him enough of your precious years?

Picture yourself in 10 years time. What do you want your life to be? Do you want to still be living in this shitty limbo? Do you want to have been living in limbo for 7 years, and then dumped when he finds someone else? Do you want to be living a happy fulfilled life, either on your own or with a new partner?

You are giving your life up for this man who gives you nothing in return. That is madness.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 18:52:22

I have not gone away. Am reading the thread recommended, and the one that started that story! I have also read the where do you call a halt to the marriage thread. I would be throwing away so much for us all as a family. I feel very selfish. I know he has the affair but he has since helped create a stable environment for my children. I am pretty sure they are unaware. I have a chronic illness which provides cover for weeping and lying in the bed reading. It would also provide an explanation for sleeping apart for a few days.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 18:53:17

Am I giving up my life or providing a good life for my children?

AgathaF Tue 16-Apr-13 19:01:29

Children are so much more aware of things than we imagine. What your children could be learning from this is that men are easily forgiven for having affairs, that women put up with a lot, that mediocre relationships are normal, that mum being less than happy is ok.

Would you want that kind of life for them?

They can still have a good life if you and their dad live apart. You can both still have a relationship with them, do stuff with them, even do stuff as a family if it works for all of you. But you would be free to be your own person, to find happiness and be content. Surely that is what your children would want for you?

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 19:25:23

Yes they would.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 19:35:12

But I can do that when they are just a bit older. I do not think that I will have another partner so no rush.

I know I am being very negative. Partly playing out the devils advocate in my brain. The only reason for breaking up is that I am not happy, I do wonder if I would be happier without my husband? I do like him being around. sad.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 19:54:11

When they are a "bit older" there will be another reason to compromise yourself. A milestone birthday, a change of school, exams


MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 19:57:01

YY to AF and then what if he finds someone else and decides to dump you? All those years for nothing sad

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 20:16:34

That's it in a nutshell. They would not be for nothing. They would be for all of us!

Anyway, I have read other thread and thanks to you guys have practised my lines. I still don't think I can cope with getting into bed with someone who does not love me. More to the pint I am begining to actually believe he doesn't love me. I am through with making excuses and finding reasons for him to bit want this to work. I think I am finally ready to give up on him.

AgathaF Tue 16-Apr-13 20:19:58

I think I am finally ready to give up on him - I really hope so. He gave up on you and your marriage a long time ago. You really can't hold a family together single handed. The cracks will be showing, even if you pretend they are not there. Your children will not thank you for throwing away your life for them. No-one should feel that their parents did that for them.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 20:24:09

yy to Agatha

Ahhhcrap Tue 16-Apr-13 20:29:14

Good luck OP

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