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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

AgathaF Sat 18-May-13 10:36:14

Good idea to take your friend to the solicitors for support. Also a good idea to be very clear on your financial stuff and what you want from them before you go to maximise your free half hour (if that is what you have). I think you can have free half hours with different sols, to find one you like, so if you still have unanswered questions after seeing one, you can make an appointment with another.

I hope he doesn't see last night as a climb down from you, although from what you say about his attitude this morning it sounds like he does. The curse of wine, eh? smile It's worth pointing out that he could and should have refused to sleep with you last night. He knows the score, even if he is pretending not to. It was wrong of him to go along with it, especially since he was aware you had been drinking.

Hope the coming week is easier for you.

fuckitybollocks Sat 18-May-13 11:52:10

It will be. Thanks for not slating me. X

AgathaF Sat 18-May-13 18:48:28

Absolutely no reason to slate you. I'm sure in your shoes I would be a total mess, not holding it together as well as you are doing.

Keep on keeping on, as they say grin.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 19-May-13 13:51:18

He can draw whatever conclusion he likes. You can scratch an itch. People say detach and ignore because it can muddy the waters emotionally. It's your life OP.

fuckitybollocks Mon 20-May-13 06:29:21

We had two mins relative privacy yesterday. He is depressed. He says he has no enjoyment in life. He says he will stay. I whispered no it is not fine before child came in. Today in a bit if a reversal I need to try and find time to talk. I know he is depressed and would be delighted if he gets some help but that does not mean I am back on the treadmill again.

Anyway a room painted and off to work.

AgathaF Mon 20-May-13 07:25:28

He is depressed, probably of his own making. No enjoyment in life? Well, he didn't give a monkeys that you weren't having a ball either, did he? Or that the responsibility of that lay with him. Now he's doing the 'poor little me' act. Beggars belief how self-absorbed he is.

He really shoudn't get to call the shots now, over whether he stays or goes. His life won't improve if he stays, anymore than yours would. Him going gives you both the opportunity to move on and forge new lives for the both of you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 08:51:01

He can marshal support it doesn't all have to come from you! One way street with him and expecting a comforting gesture or consideration. Don't be deterred.

fuckitybollocks Mon 20-May-13 13:55:29

He does not really have anyone else to talk to. He is pretty estranged from his family and has no close friends. sad.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 14:30:29

Well, has he ever asked himself why? None of that is your fault.

MadBusLady Mon 20-May-13 16:27:07

Today in a bit if a reversal I need to try and find time to talk.

Have I understood this correctly, that you're going to try to find time to talk to him about his depression?

I'm out at this point, I think. Best of luck with it, OP.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 20-May-13 16:53:41

On 16th April OP you said here,
I am scared that I will continue to find reason to hope and hang on

You are not responsible for his unhappiness or apathy.

Have you decided it is easier to stick with the devil you know?

fuckitybollocks Mon 20-May-13 22:39:44

I can't switch of caring about him. I do worry. I will not change tack but neither can I ignore someone, especially somone I love, who is sad. I would like him to be happy. I know it is not down to me but I would help if I could.

Is this so wrong? I don't understand

Doha Mon 20-May-13 23:00:38

He doesn't give a shit about you and hasn't loved you for years !!

Now he is depressed hahahaha good one. Just because you have grown a backbone and are not pleading for him to stay he has become depressed.

Have some self respect fuckitybollocks--don't just settle for someone who really doesn't love you but just hasn't the balls to leave.

Time for you to follow through with your plans-if you don't l will give it a year at the most before you post about him on MN again

raisah Tue 21-May-13 04:31:15

Why drag out this painful death of a relationship? Far kinder to end it permanantly now for everyone. The atmosphere in your home must be awful & that is not a healthy environment for your child to study in.

I suspect your back pain is stress related as most illnesses/pains can be triggered by stress. Seeing a chiropractor might be useful for your back. See a councellor to help you focus & deal with your unhappiness.

You are hanging on because you dont want to be alone but this situation is making you ill & sad. Why do want to stay like this for the rest of your life. Ask the father of your dc to flat hunt now with the plan to move out once exams are over. He can move to a house share or studio flat. Yoy both need physical space apart to focus your minds.

fuckitybollocks Tue 21-May-13 06:46:06

Thanks for the chiro tip but unfortunately while stress dies if course make things worse the orthopaedic surgery I have already had pints to a more physical cause. I (whisper so I don't tempt fate) and pretty ok bone wise on the whole at the moment.

I have clearly outlined the deadline fur separation again. I have cetainly not given him an option to stay. Even if somehow things were to work out we need that period apart that was missing before. I am v worried about him though. I recognise why you all see this as me capitulating but that is not so. I would so like him to reach out and get some help though. I honestly think some antid and counselling would help him. I have not explicitly suggested that just talked generally about it sounds like he might be very low. If I suggest Gp it is less likely to happen then if he does.

The final exam is four weeks today. The moving out date, as in everything out , I s the weekend after so four and a half weeks. Then I will be able to go no contact I hope. In the meantime I not only care about how he is but I have to see him. We did not talk last night anyway. Boys around. I will find a time when we can talk if he wants. I hve started to work out some practical stuff about what he can take from house etc. I don't want to just email that to him without talking first. Depression is no excuse for being mean at all. It can however make it hard to deal with things. I care about how he is for him but am also very aware he is the children's father. We BOTH need to be strong in order to make this as ok as possible for them.

fuckitybollocks Tue 21-May-13 06:56:18

Oh donkey, yes a few weeks ago he talked about his lack or friends in comparison with the people I have around me. I think the knowledge that he has failed (his word not mine) there is contributing to the long hard look he is giving himself at the moment

I have been depressed. Only once but it lasted a while. I would not wish that on anyone. If I can I will support him in getting help. I am not depressed. Very sad and dometimes tearful but not depressed. There is a huge difference. I have had spells of feeling almost suicidal. I would not ever do that, I think he might. Perhaps due to his inherent selfishness? Regardless. I would like him to be well for himself as well as to be around for children.

Hmmm. I need to think of new words. I don't like referring to him here as
My husband. I never have in real life let alone now. Likewise the children are not children. I will ponder on this today!

AgathaF Tue 21-May-13 09:02:43

fb it must be as painfull for him to live the way you are both doing now as it is for you, although perhaps he doesn't yet see that. It could well be that once he moves out, he will have more clarity. That in turn may spur him on to get some help and to address stuff in his life and parts of his personality that let him down and therefore let others down too. That would be a good thing. Incidentally, it will probably be his "inherent selfishness" that helps to save him too.

I am glad you are sticking to your plan, for your sake and for your kids too. It will give them a chance to see that living in an unhappy or mediocre relationship is not necessary, that there are options one can take to improve things. That will be a good lesson for them long term.

fuckitybollocks Tue 21-May-13 10:20:24

I agree.

fuckitybollocks Thu 23-May-13 08:57:06

Very low and sad today after a couple of days which were too busy to go to the loo let alone think. He is back to being pretty distant which helps me to maintain a distance. I feel as though I do not know and have no control over anything. I looked at his phone this morning and see no evidence. Of him looking for somewhere to live. Son not well and has gone to do exams full of ibuprofen and paracetamol. I don't feel great either which is a shame. Tis day off and I have so much to do. Mostly work related stuff but also the house is a tip. Lacking in motivation.

Sorry this is a moan. I just feel sick and crappy again.

Jux Thu 23-May-13 09:41:06

Sorry you're having a crap day. Do you think you might be coming down with what your son has?

If it's your day off, you shouldn't have to do work related stuff, so put that away.

How much of a tip is your house, really? If you're feeling ill then you really don't need to do much - or any - housework, just enough to allow you to relax and feel comfortable. On the other hand, if you're feeling down, keeping busy is often helpful.

If he hasn't been looking for anywhere to move to, it's not your problem. Don't take it on, you have enough on your plate.

I do think that you are living in a very unhealthy situation atm.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-May-13 11:19:15

H not doing anything to alleviate 'tip' I suppose. Odd way to go about proclaiming a desire to stay and remain a part of family life. Talk is easy, action shows what lies behind. Plenty for him to be getting on with. Focus on yourself now. Your time. You're not in a rudderless boat.

Am sorry you feel flat. If there is the least hint of sun please step outdoors - take a while to rest.

Hope exams go well.

AgathaF Thu 23-May-13 11:51:08

It doesn't matter to you if he has been looking for somewhere to live. He can go to his mums and look from there. He might have a bit more motivation to do something about it from there.

Take some time to do something nice for you today. A walk might help you to feel a bit better too. The tip in the house can wait until another day.

Good luck to your son.

fuckitybollocks Thu 23-May-13 14:05:22

Yes I think we have a bug here. Have been out for a walk, now trying to have a snooze before leaping into action. Well dragging my self slowly to the freezer to explore possibilities for tea anyway. I just wished he loved me. Pathetic I know. We had a brig talk this morning. He is preoccupied with nit being a bad man. He actually said that if he loved me he would have to face up to his actions in choosing to cheat were bad. He is justifying it as being understandable because he did not love his wife.

I said it did not matter. We are now in a situation where I choose not to stay with him because I do not feel loved. Then I walked, unfortunate not in the sunshine. It was cold out there! What happened to the summer.

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 16:12:55

I read that last post thinking 'here we go again, she's engaging in his useless mindgames'. I was pleased to see your second paragraph and how you reacted. It really is over isn't it - hard to wrench yourself away from someone you've spent decades with but you have emotionally separated.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 23-May-13 16:18:24

There you have it in a nutshell, whatever's the easy way out for him. No matter how badly he behaved, never mind your hurt.
Which I see you realise, good for you.

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