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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

fuckitybollocks Mon 13-May-13 07:39:24

Bad bad night. Asked him what I could do to make our life ok ! Fair to say I am now into work with puffy eyes. I dislike myself more than I dislike him and that is saying something. Shit.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 13-May-13 08:55:08

What you said earlier about casting yourself as the viillain, I don't pretend to know why. 5 years' ago your H crossed a line and yet you're the one trying to repair the damage. I think the two of you are stuck playing the panto horse. You're at the front going nowhere because you're still attached to the horse's ass at the back.

At the risk of flogging the analogy to death he doesn't need to speak because you're still attempting to do the talking and explaining, he doesn't have to be the one looking where you're going because you are so fearful of going ahead you'd rather stay still or go backwards.

MadBusLady Mon 13-May-13 09:17:14

Stop talking to him.

Stop talking to him.

Stop talking to him.


AgathaF Mon 13-May-13 09:34:09

fb - please consider some counselling. Your self-esteem is on the floor (due to him), which is why you have a distorted view of your role in this whole thing. You are not the baddie. Far from it. You have given him the biggest chance, kept hope in your marriage going for a long, long time, held it together for too long. How can you possibly be the baddie?

fuckitybollocks Mon 13-May-13 15:00:52

I see your logic but just feel such a second rate person. I will try and avoid talking or worse still listening. I don't think either if us quite believe it can't be fixed. But it can't. My head knows that. It will be better when he has left. This bit is horrible. In front of children he still calls me darling and talks about future. I just fudge.

Jux Mon 13-May-13 15:12:16

I think he knows very well it can't be fixed but he can play that he wants it fixed as long as it keeps the status quo, and you running about puffy eyed and talking to him and hoping. It is a very cruel game he is playing with you.

Please stop talking to him. Talk to a counsellor instead. Much more fruitful!

AgathaF Mon 13-May-13 15:17:41

He really needs to stop talking like that in front of the children. It's not fair on them or you. However, apart from asking him not to, there's not much you can do about it so try not to give it too much of your attention. Save that for hugs for your children.

You're not second rate. You have struggled and struggled for so long now - you deserve a bloody medal. Be proud of yourself for everything you have given to your marriage. Unfortunately, he didn't offer the same to it, but that is his fault, not yours.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 13-May-13 16:07:01

I realise you are trying to keep things as normal as possible for DS2. If H uses DCs as an audience don't engage with him. Practise being busy, absorbed in something else. Try not to engage. He can twist the knife now but his power will wane You won't have to protect the boys forever. Don't look too far ahead. Deal with today now.

fuckitybollocks Mon 13-May-13 16:16:06

One day at a time is my mantra right now. In fact while at home an hour at a time suffices. Counselling I will think about but after he has gone. In the meantime I will just keep in keeping on and do some work. Work is the best therapy right now. That and I am overdue a walk!

fuckitybollocks Tue 14-May-13 06:22:24

Total ignoring last night,. I was very late home from work anyway. Give weeks today is last exam.

fuckitybollocks Wed 15-May-13 23:44:02

Melt down today. Is ok ish as tho at work I do not think anyone noticed me having a bit of space. Husband challenged me over money spent and I just cracked. Perhaps I do need to make everything more formal. Have looked at co operative site this evening. Has anyone use their self divorce service?

AgathaF Thu 16-May-13 07:15:43

Today's a new day, don't worry about yesterday's melt down. I agree you need to make this more formal - he needs to see proper boundaries, and if he is getting picky over money, then I think you need to ensure that you are protected financially. This is new ground for you both and you can't know how he is going to be regarding money as this process goes on.

Hope today is better for you.

fuckitybollocks Thu 16-May-13 08:29:19

You are right, the incident about money that caused upset yesterday was entirely unexpected. It shouldn't be. I am angry that he gets to walk out if the team that was our partbernisgip with money fr a new life and no (few) responsibilities. Now I will be doing everything for the children and be broke to boot. Of course I do not think anyone should stay with someone if they are not happy but this is so selfish. I feel like we made a life together with good bits and bad bits but with a team approach, now he is ditching it rather than improve it.

I calmly reminded him that the time he has to find somewhere to live is ticking away. I hope he acts upon it.

AgathaF Thu 16-May-13 09:04:50

I hope he acts upon it too fb, but remember that if he doesn't, it's his own problem and not yours. He has had plenty of time to prepare. He can move to his mother's temporarily and find somewhere from there. His lack of planning should not derail your plans.

Think of the money incident as a warning to get your ducks in order and protect yourself legally as far as possible.

Less than five weeks of this crap, then you can start to rebuild your life for the better.

Jux Thu 16-May-13 14:12:24

Have you consulted a solicitor yet about how to split financials etc, and also if there a way of enforcing his move out if he decides to be difficult about it?

You're absolutely right, it's not fair that he can just go off with no qualms and few responsibilities; but you are yhe better person as you are not even thinking of doing that. You are shouldering your responsibilities.

How are the exams going?

fuckitybollocks Thu 16-May-13 22:28:46

Exams. Well under no circumstances were they going to be easy. We shall see.

Have been to the cab. Think may use the co op. they do fixed price packaged that look straightforward. I don't have the money to kick it off at the moment. Did you know that it costs the petitioner more? I didn't.

AgathaF Fri 17-May-13 07:45:28

fb - would it be any cheaper to go for a legal separation for the time being, until the money situation improves (or he can be persuaded to petition, if that is what you would prefer)? Anything to get something official that he recognises and will act on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 17-May-13 09:19:00

Fuckity maybe those helpful MNers on Legal Matters in the Other Stuff category could help think over Agatha's suggestion.

How are you today, any plans for the weekend? Maybe some surreptitious division of books and music, under guise of a clearout for charity or local church bazaar or suchlike.

fuckitybollocks Fri 17-May-13 12:32:02

The music and books are all mine all mine I repeat!!!!

I will look at legal sep. I think I do need to do something. He talks as though he will be here forever. Some of that may be because of kids. I don't know. I have has the week from hell at work, one more hurdle this afternoon. Next week will be easier and I have booked half term off to paint walls (and try and get some revision done with son).

Five weeks and it should all be over. I have said I want everything if his out. I do not want more lingering. I don't want him to go either. That is the danger point I know. I can't live like this though I really can't. I won't.

AgathaF Fri 17-May-13 14:18:33

fb - you sound much more sure of yourself recently. That's a really good thing. You can see the end is getting nearer and you know things will improve for you, maybe slowly, but still improve.

Painting the walls sounds good.

fuckitybollocks Fri 17-May-13 14:21:56

It is good. He is spending money sitting out some house stuff that I will not be able to afford. New bathroom three rooms replastered. New furniture for the youngest.

fuckitybollocks Fri 17-May-13 14:22:13

It is good. He is spending money sitting out some house stuff that I will not be able to afford. New bathroom three rooms replastered. New furniture for the youngest.

fuckitybollocks Fri 17-May-13 21:54:40

I have asked him to discuss a breakdown of assets and debts on Sunday. He says he will prepare a list. I have been walking with my friend who has stated that I should jot allow mortgage to be made interest only. I feel a tiny tiny bit in control. He is cold and hard tonight and that helps.

MadBusLady Fri 17-May-13 21:59:34

smile You're doing great and sounding stronger. Am loving the determination re books and CDs!

fuckitybollocks Sat 18-May-13 09:55:08

Ok. The divorce is nothing. The marriage is broken anyway. But for various reasons the need to sort out finances is becoming more pressing. There is one thing that will require a confrontation of sorts as we have utterly different perspectives on it. I do not need to address this now but will need to, probably before the four weeks we have left now. It should really be sorted together with everything else finance wise. I am fairly certain i will need some legal advice. I am thinking out loud here really. I think I need a solicitor appointment but in order to maximise the value I need more financial information. I have taken the whole of half term off and plan to find an empty house slot to discuss. There are some anomalies in our finances that need addressing.

Envy thing is so muddled though. I had too much wine and we slept together last night. I am sure you can imagine that I don't feel great about that. But I also feel quite peaceful. He did not say he loves me. This morning he is again talking as though he will live in the house forever (talking decorating). I told him I find that hard and he went in to give me a hug.

Walkd with my Friedan last night. He is invariably uncritical of my husband but talking through money stuff with him he has very set ideas about what is best for me and should be non negotiable. I am hoping he will help me, perhaps come to the solicitors, to get a proposal together to show my husband. That sounds odd, I don't know what else to call him here where I can't use his name.

The week from hell at work is over and that took everything spare brain cell over the last two weeks. Hopefully I will get more of a grip in things next week.

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