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Thirty years

(935 Posts)
fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 06:23:04

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He has not been 'in love' with me since. I have really struggled, living with the man you love who does not feel the same way is soul destroying. We have two teenage children so at least we have been together with them. He would continue like this although he is not happy. He says he does not really know what he wants. At the weekend I told him I did not want to live with someone who dies not feel the same way about me. He says he loves me but cannot remember when he was in ,I've with me. He has a neurological issue which affects his memory especially biographical memory and that really does not help.

We are currently hiding the fact that one of us sleeps on the sofa from the children. I can't do that anymore as I have hurt my back. He has not done anything about finding somewhere to live. He does not really want to I don't think. He does not have someone else now, he hasn't for a long while so would prefer us to live together, us being all of us. I think he thinks I will capitulate and he will be able to stay with us for longer.

This is so very very hard. I am crying at times, not when the children are around, he hugs me. He hates seeing me upset. He says he loves me, cares for me. When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me. I know he would stay if he could, he does not really want to have all the hassle if finding somewhere to live etc and he does want to be with children. I am so lonely. Being friends sleeping together (he does not want sex with me often at all) is so souk destroying. I don't blame him for not wanting me, I smell of fags and he hates that, I have always smoked but the smell of me has become really horrid for him and I understand tht. I quit for nearly three months last year and am gearing up to try again. When I didn't smoke he did not want me more though.

This situation can't continue. One child is gearing up for his gcses next month. I do not want children to see this train wreck. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up because it is hard living with someone who is not in love with me. Until this crisis he has not told me he loves me at all for months. Valentines day for the first time was just a card. I had chosen a present or him. Two actually although one was not delivered in time.

When he has affair I did not cope. I was very depressed and ended up unable to work. I know I will not do that this time (although am off suck fir a few days while this back pain dies down). He does not respect me, I have behaved badly and been very weal and feeble. Not now though. I am never going into that depression again. I am very unhappy but not depressed and there us a big difference. He might be depressed though. He certainly feels as though there is little point o life.

I am not sure why I am writing this. What if anything anyone can say. I just feel so alone and a bit scared.

RememberingMyPFEs Tue 16-Apr-13 06:31:44

Offering you a hand to hold. Sorry I can't find words to express how awful this must be for you, I'm sure someone wiser will be along soon. In the meantime thanks

FarBetterNow Tue 16-Apr-13 06:57:18

Hugs to you.

On the practical side, can he sleep on the sofa?
Of course he wants you to stay together, no doubt life is easier for him living with you - meals, clothes washing etc.

What you want is important.
He destroyed your marriage by having an affair.
He put his desires before his marriage and his family and now expects everything to be hunky dory.
The GCSEs will be over in a few weeks, so he needs to move out then.
You can be strong and will be happier without him.
Best wishes to you.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt Tue 16-Apr-13 06:58:47

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Very sad. It sounds like you need to work out exactly what you're going to do. Have either of you had counselling separately or together? I'm thinking that that might help you to work out a plan. Being stuck in a situation is very depressing in itself and I think you will both feel better when you can move forward.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 07:12:59

Sorry, he slept on sofa last night. No way I can at the moment. This back pain is a bad dose.

We did try counselling five years ago, it was nit terribly useful for either of us. I also had an nhs course, with the funniest (think comic book) counsellor in the world. Was useless.

Anyway, what is the point? I don't think he wants to be in lie with me. The sole refrain is 'I don't want you to be unhappy'. I think he means that, he is a decent man who was horrified by the state I got in five years ago and I knw he would not want me there again. I don't think he really sees how different being tearful is now to the total black hole I was in before. I am desolately sad and struggling but not depressed. I know I can avoid that happening again. At least am as sure as anyone ever can be.

F we stay together until gcses are over, which is best for the child I am sure we w ill have to share a bed. This house is not big enough fir any sort if half way. I don't want half way either. Yesterday he was kind and lovely but we are heading for divorce. How does that happen?

Mosman Tue 16-Apr-13 07:21:36

Heading for divorce is not the scary bit, the worst happened five years ago. You've been in purgatory ever since. The divorce will be a release is say.

beachyhead Tue 16-Apr-13 07:27:50

If he doesn't want you to be unhappy, then he needs to let you go. He's making you unhappy by staying.

I know 30 years is a long time, but you can go through this. I think you've already made it through the worst bit, and now you are feeling stronger and can get through the divorce stage.

You don't deserve to be in this limbo land.

Sephrenia Tue 16-Apr-13 07:43:09

I was going to namechange, but meh, too much effort this morning.

I know how you feel, wish I didn't, but I do. The only difference is, the affair has only just come to light. I gave my H an ultimatum, me or her, and told him that he had to live with the consequences of that choice. He has chosen me apparently. Did your H admit to the affair, or did you catch him at it? From everything I've read lately, that seems to be the clincher in whether or not counselling and attempts to make it work, will work.

My H denies it was even an affair at the moment, that they were just friends (because friends always say 'love you and call each other 'my love' [eyeroll]). He doesn't realise that just because he chose me, it doesn't mean I've chosen him yet.

I can tell you now, as scary and as horrible being alone sounds, it isn't half as bad as you might think, I've separated from H before (in 2009) and I managed just fine. I'm not afraid to do it again if H doesn't work with me on this and I'm telling you, it's not that hard, it's even fun at times and as for your DCs, they will have noticed. Children pick up on this sort of thing quite easily, despite efforts to try and hide it.

You need to get a bit selfish now and consider whether or not YOU can live in a horrid limbo like this for however long it takes for him to decide your life for you. He's had an easy ride so far, so take that power away from him and back to yourself.

I will say this, you're not weak and feeble, you were trying to hold onto your marriage and after an affair on his part, that takes some serious courage and strength.

I have to nip out for a doctor's appointment now, but I'll be back later. Sending you hugs.


Sephrenia Tue 16-Apr-13 07:43:45

Oh, I forgot to say, I've been with my H for 16 years.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 08:10:33

He has been nicer to me get past couple of days than he has for a long while. This is so confusing. Should we wait until after gcse? Is that me making an excuse to hang on to him again? I have no real idea what he wants but am pretty sure he does not want me really

onefewernow Tue 16-Apr-13 09:00:35

He is probably being nicer now as he instinctively feels that the power dynamics have changed. Now you are deciding, whereas before it seems it was a matter of only what he wanted/decided, in his head at least.

I can't answer you q re GCSEs. I imagine the kids aren't happy with the atmosphere - mine were a lot less ignorant than I had thought.

It is true that living alone and making that hard choice to move on is less terrifying than you had imagined. It is like giving up smoking- the fear is worse than the practice.

I know this from previous experience, and most people seem to say the same.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 09:05:26

I was crying as he left. I said this situation was untenable. I sid he had been nicer to me over last couple of days. He said he has not decided anything. I repeatd that I did not wnt to of wih s

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 09:11:29

Sorry on phone and got it wrong. Just feel useless. Beef to talk to dr re sick cert. back later.

AgathaF Tue 16-Apr-13 09:26:20

Personally, I would wait to split until after the GCSE's (just a few weeks now until they're over?), but use the time to plan the practical stuff - sort finances/bank accounts, get utilities transferred into one name, get copies of all important documents for ease further down the line (mortgage stuff/pensions/shares etc). If you will both need to move out of your house then organise that, if just he will leave then he should use the time to sort out alternative accommodation.

Remember, he broke your marriage when he had the affair. He needs to step up now and go if that is what you want to happen. You have given it a really good go, but enough is enough. You deserve better.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 09:38:11

It sounds like things were swept under the carpet and he did not do any of the work he was supposed to do to help you recover and rebuild your trust. He suffered no consequences as a result of his very selfish and entitled actions - no wonder he treats you like a doormat and has no respect for you.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect - take control and tell him you are now deciding what you want for your future.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 09:38:43

Here is a list of the things he should have done:

help spouse heal after affair

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 16-Apr-13 10:00:04

Sorry OP, what a miserable time you've had. I feel so pathetic and selfish messing things up Actually I think you have tried hard to keep your marriage going but respect and love have faded and better to call it a day than stumble on. After 5 years you have reached the end of your tether.

Staying with you out of convenience may suit him but what do you get out of it? He shouldn't get to decide how YOUR life pans out. Definitely wait until after exams then seize the nettle firmly. It is a big step but you deserve more.

melodyangel Tue 16-Apr-13 10:18:06

Are you still sleeping with this man? It sounds like you are when he wants to but not on your terms.

Are you doing the majority of the house work, cooking and cleaning?

He tells you you are disgusting because you smoke.

He had an affair but because he was kind enough to stay you get to sleep on the sofa?

Please Op take the power back off this man he is selfish and lazy and you deserve better.

I would tell him it is over between you to and try to detach yourself from him emotionally and start preparing for a split.

I completely understand why you stayed and why you want to stay at least until after the GCSE's but please, please stop let this man walk all over you.

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 10:19:42

Good link. It outlines almost exactly what did not happen. Do you thinking is too late? I still have a tiny bit if hope that we will live happily ever after!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 16-Apr-13 10:26:13

When he had his girlfriend he experienced that infatuated soul mate type relationship. Of course a wife of 30 years cannot match that. He does not value that total love and loyalty that comes with time and family. He says he does not think about me and look forward to seeing me.

I cannot see how the two of you will live happily ever after with him feeling this way. I am surprised in that case he didn't have an affair sooner since he places so little value on your relationship. Who does he think he is?

More importantly, why would you accept so little from this man?

MadBusLady Tue 16-Apr-13 10:40:10

I think the conclusion you are coming to is the right one. This is intolerable for you, and it cannot go on; he needs to leave. It's destroying you every day, to be around someone who "doesn't look forward to seeing you", had an affair with a "soulmate" hmm, has mysteriously ramped up their objections to your smoking, wants sex occasionally on their terms and basically likes staying in the comfy family home because they can't be bothered to find a bedsit. That would destroy anyone. Why do you think it's YOU who's "behaved badly"??

Don't imagine your children don't know, by the way. An eight-year-old could work out that somebody was sleeping on the sofa, let alone a couple of teenagers.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 10:41:03

Five years is a very long time and its probably too late.

If I were you I would sit down with him and tell him that you have decided you deserve more and to be loved and cherished. And that you will ask him to leave after DC's GCSEs.

Then, its up to him to step up - if he really wants you, then he will be on his knees begging for another chance and doing all he can to make it work. You may find its too little too late though.

Otherwise a clean break is best for all concerned - that way you can move on and create a new life for yourself where you are no longer made to feel like crap.

MadBusLady Tue 16-Apr-13 10:47:06

I still have a tiny bit if hope that we will live happily ever after!

If he doesn't want to live happily ever after with you this is a non-starter. And it sounds like he checked out long ago. There's no amount of "work" one person can put into a relationship that will compensate for the fact that the other person isn't interested.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 11:53:14

Yes it's too late.

Let me guess. The OW dumped him didn't she?

And you took him back when he had nowhere else to go.

It was a mistake to stay with him then and it's a mistake to stay with him now. When your son's GCSEs are over, you'll probably find another excuse to keep the status quo because you still have unrealistic hopes that this is salvageable.

It is not.

I'm assuming your kids knew about his affair?

fuckitybollocks Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:18

Bad, yes. And, I am scared that I will continue to find reason to hope and hang on.

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