My parents won't come to our place because....

[tostaky]

After 4.5 years, my dad had the guy to tell me. At long last!
They came for the birth of Ds1 (c-section so DP did a lot of things) and....

1. DP asked my mum for money for the hospital parking (£20 - it's London, parking is expensive especially when You've spent many hours in a&e with a 4 days old baby.)
2. DP put the wine and the cheese away a bit too early for my dad's liking during one meal (I cannot remember)
3. Apparently DP also have them dirty linen. (When I ask him why he and mum didn't say so they say they didn't want to disturb me as c-section + brand new baby with severe jaundice. Still I think I wouldn't have mind to ask DP to give them another bed sheet and to check it before giving it to them...)

I am really mad at my dad right now, tears etc...

I'm at theirs right now with the kids but not DP. I invited them again (despite them saying no several times over the last 4.5 years). And my dad told me that. That he would never ever come to ours again. I am welcome to his but he doesn't want to set foot in ours.

This is crazy. Do you think it is because he doesn't like DP? DP is great but maybe a bit tactless sometimes and in the past he has had to apologise about things he said that were interpreted badly by my super-sensitive parents.
Am I crazy? Should I stop seeing my parents? Should I tell DP? My dad has crushed me....

[tostaky]

The guts... Not the guy...
Points finger to autocorrect function

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I think your parents are nutters. Honestly.

Ridiculous reasons and I am not surprised you are upset.

[QuintessentialOHara]

That is horrid!

Had they no empathy for the fact that you were giving birth and entertaining?

[Cherriesarelovely]

Seriously?? God, that is awful. I would be aghast. Are you parents usually this unreasonable? You have said they are sensitive but making dramatic proclamations like that?

[Crikeyblimey]

They've held a grudge for over 4 years about some cheese? (Well and spare you some other trivia)!!! Dear god they have stamina.

I am utterly jaw droppingly gobsmakcked at their rudeness.

I'm not surprised you are devastated.

You had just given birth ffs.

I'm not sure how you can get past this but I don't think I'd be doing any apologising. Maybe acknowledge they may have felt slighted (in some ridiculous way) and tell them how daft they are being to miss out on spending time with you at your house.

Good luck with it though.

[LynetteScavo]

I wouldn't want people like that to come and visit me!

[WipsGlitter]

Well it's a bit silly to hold a grudge, but I'm possibly with them on the money front. What exactly happened?

[CognitiveOverload]

Is there a history?

[onepieceoflollipop]

Are both your mother AND your father "super-sensitive"
I would suggest some other words to describe them such as self-absorbed, narcissistic and downright nasty and unpleasant.
Have they many friends? Do other family members have difficultu with them ?

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I'd risk a row and TELL them how utterly ridiculous, unfair and downright rude they have been.

Then I would withdraw for a bit..they want to see the GC why should it be all on their terms?!

[CheeseOnTop]

I'm sorry, it sounds like you have very awkward parents. But on the plus side, it sounds like you and your dp are really solid. Good for you for staying on his side

[ZenNudist]

I'd be telling my dh. I'd also tell my parents to get lost. I wouldn't go out of my way to cut them off. Life's too short. But if they can't be arsed to meet you halfway and sometimes visit as you sometimes visit them then I'd be less & less likely to see them. They sound loony.

Im assuming theres some kind of history there if your dad can say something like that and you don't tell him to get a grip and generally give him a talking to.

Not in their defence but some older people get very set in their ways and would look for excuses not to stay away from home.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

My parents haven't visited in 10 years because I live in a housing association house. They visit my sibling who lives less than 10 miles away regularly. My sibling lives in an ex-council house, as do my parents. No help I know but you are not alone.

[Startail]

Look on the bright side if they never come and visit you never have to tidy your house for them.

My parents are lovely, but I know they go home and discuss my inadequate housekeeping.

[tostaky]

I knew already they were a bit crazy but i wasnt prepared for this...

So what do I do to be the bigger person?
Because I'm still crying and I don't know how tomorrow is going to be... (Dad is meant to drive me and the kids to the train station, 40 mins drive!!! Very awkward!)

If he apologise and say ok, we'll come - I say "great!" And make sure everything is super clean and handcuff DP? Or do I say thank you, but maybe you shouldn't come at all as things will never be as perfect as you would like to (sorry!)

If he doesn't apologise - what do I do? Just sulk all day and remain silent in the car for 40 mins?
Or ignore what happened tonight and just carry on life as usual?

What's the best strategy in front of the kids?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Ignore ignore ignore.

Send them some cheese and wine when you get home, with a note saying life's too short for this silliness

[tostaky]

Zen nudist - I can't tell my dad to get a grip! It's my dad!!

Yes, they are a bit loony and very few friends.

But I just want them to come to my house for a few days.... Like a normal family. It's in a nice part of London, the kids would be really happy (ds1 has asked me several time why they never come).
I actually don't care if they say my housekeeping is not great as long as they do come...

[joanofarchitrave]

It didn't sound like he meant to apologise to be honest... they clearly felt badly treated, and tbh there is nothing you can do about that now. If they do talk about coming, then yes, I think you should make it clear to them that you are not going to walk on eggshells around them, and they should either be willing to accept that you and your dh are not necessarily going to behave like fictional people who do everything exactly as they imagine people should, or should not come.

Then I think you should talk about something else. If they really care more about close-up-clean bedlinen than seeing family, there is little else to be said.

[Stepissue]

I don't understand why your DP ashed them for £20 sorry.

Agree the rest sounds bonkers but you say that your DP has had to apologise before through being tactless, could he have said something really bad to them?

For a comparison - my parents really dislike my DH. They never mentioned it and still came over all the time. I only found out how they felt when I divorced him Really that should be how it is. You are still their daughter.

[Mumsyblouse]

Perhaps he had no change on him!!!!

£20 four years ago and they are still going on about it- my mum would buy me £20 worth of groceries, and put them in my fridge for me, if I'd just given birth.

To risk estrangement from your beloved child for £20, a sheet and a bit of cheese, words fail me.

However, OP, I think deep down from your other posts you know your parents are odd and its so sad to have to confront the reality of that. I am not sure you can fix this, but stay strong with your partner and visit your family if you feel like it but don't go out of your way to please them as they are unpleasable and I do think you need to come to terms with their oddness.

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

I'd back away quietly I think, how awful and silly of them.

[WafflyVersatile]

Maybe he didn't have any cash on him. It's hardly the sort of thing you hold a 4 year grudge over.

I'm tempted to say stop visiting them and say if they want to see you they can come to you. But I'm not the one affected.

I'm not surprised that they have few friends if they are so easily offended.

[Stepissue]

Sorry, it sounded as though I agreed that £20 should lead to cutting off your daughter I didn't mean that, I just wondered what the background was, although as others have said - it hardly matters, you wouldn't still give a shit about £20 4 years later!!

[coppertop]

So if their problem is supposedly with your dp, why have they never just arranged to visit when he's not there?

Personally I would be tempted to send them a hamper on their birthdays and Christmas, containing cheese, wine, a sheet and £20. After all, those things must be extremely important to them if they are worth more than seeing their grandchildren.

One thing I absolutely wouldn't do is to try to get your dp to be extra careful about what he says or does when they are around. Certainly no more apologies just because they are over-sensitive and rude.

[MoreBeta]

tostaky - I can see why you are very upset.

After 30 years I get used to it from my parents. They have NEVER visited our house EVER. Despite many invites. They asked us to leave our wedding early as they wanted to go home.

My sheets are clean and wine flows like water at our house - so it cant be that. I conclude that my parents and your parents are just really rude and selfish. I have now come to realise that mine have always been like that.