Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Baby's 1st Xmas & no presents from in laws - odd?(11 Posts)
My in laws did not give our baby (or us, not that we really matter) Christmas presents. We live in England (I'm not English) and my DH saw his family in Nov and Jan, or I guess they could of posted a little pressie. DH just makes excuses for them. They have not been supportive what so ever in our marriage, nor since I was pregnant and since the baby arrived, (which is tough because I don't have family support) so I guess I'm not that surprised that our baby didn't get a present (nor card). It's not about the actual present and I'm not materialistic, I just find it insulting that they didn't give it a thought. I really don't want anything to do with them because of other things and this too, but DH tells me I need to make an effort, but they've not made one with me, nor our baby, so now really cant be bothered. His Mum is meant to be coming up on Saturday and I just do not want to see her. What do you think?
What do I think?
Well, my first thought was to wonder why this suddenly started bothering you in mid April.
My second thought was to tell you not to worry about it. You don't need them. You don't need their money. You don't need their gifts. Let them keep everything. You have each other.
Be as sweet as pie to your in-laws when they come to visit you. And make sure your DH does just as much of the work as you do. Especially don't allow him to slope off to work whilst you have to entertain his family. they are his family.
They're not English but are they from a christian tradition? Is it normal to give gifts at that time of year, in other words? If they don't approve of your marriage and if there are 'other things' then I can understand why you're unhappy about seeing her. Blocking her would be relatively easy. The challenge, however, is to find a way to be the bigger person & gain the moral high-ground without giving up any of your self-respect.
Personally, I would take the opportunity of Mum being on 'my turf' to impress upon her that the petty behaviour wasn't making a jot of difference.
Thanks so much for your responses, just wanted a whinge, and to get an opinion on it. DH just tells me to let it go ('get over it'), and I struggle to do that. I think the in laws are useless, particularly because I don't have any family here (DH is English and I'm Australian) and they've not been supportive one bit. The no present at Christmas is just reflection of them.
Not Such - I've not seen the MIL since our baby was born (she visited soon after birth), I guess it's bothering me now because its the first time since. Things like this just swept under the carpet (we didn't get a wedding present), whereas, if my parents did that, I would give them a reality check and DH just doesn't do that. I'm really not interested in them, but DH just always stands up for or makes some excuse, which I just cant understand.
Cog - Do you know, it really is being challenge, being the bigger person!! I just want to actually ask the question, why? Wouldn't do that though..
I have a similar experience of this. FIL & SMIL have seen DD 5 times since she's been born and she's 17mo, they live 15 mins from us. No present or card for xmas, just a promise that it had been ordered but not arrived yet, same thing DH was told growing up. IME there is always an underlying reason so you can either ask or stop caring. We have done the latter and after a looooong time of trying and not getting any effort at a relationship in return have stopped trying!
1st baby - mil on the phone during labour, then pils came to visit when baby was 2 months old.
2nd baby - mil on the phone to congratulates
3rd baby - nothing at all, not even a card or a phone call...
No Xmas presents ever as they are not from Christian tradition eve however they used to celebrate Xmas and have presents when DP was small.
My DP and his mum argue a lot about something and it has greatly affected our relationships. I'm very sad about it. Especially for the kids... Why we never see grandpa and grandma....??? Well....
Similar situation here. Don't hear from fil from one month to another. Lives abroad but pops back occasionally, sometimes shows up at last minute, other times not. Has seen dd maybe four times, doesn't ask about her, acknowledge her, remember birthdays, etc. It is sad he is missing out on his grandchildren and totally his loss. My dd has a wonderful grandad in my own dad so doesn't really notice the absence.
You also can't expect all families to be close/ place much importance on occasions or celebrations...some just don't (weird but true).
Not sure I agree with the 'rise above it, be as nice as pie when they come' stuff. These thoughtless uncaring idiots have shown zilch interest in you, your marriage, or your baby.
I wouldn't have them to stay under my roof. Why would you want to spend a few uncomfortable days existing alongside them while they take advantage of your sheets, bog paper and grub?
If your DH wants to see them and he wants to see them, then he can go and stay with them, taking the baby along with himn#, and you go off for a nice weekend with mates.
Sorry you have little support of your own around you op. Doesn't sound like your Dh is much of a team player (ie firmly on you and his marriage's side). Is he a mummy's boy? Afraid of them? Do you still wash his pants and make him breakfast?
Pils like this are simply not worth bothering with. End of.
...and they didn't buy you a wedding present either?
Surely your Dh must be made of stone not to have been a tad embarrassed about that?
I agree with you totally though, it's not about a present ..it's about the thought and the gesture, the being-made-to-feel-part-of your new extended family, being cared for as the mother of their grandchild.
Did they come to the wedding and eat/drink anything?
Relatives don't disappear into the ether so I would make an effort on Saturday and make her welcome in the hope that your relationship is improved.
I think I would tell DH you are doing this so that, should mil be nicer, it is due to you rather than her and he realises this. But if after your efforts she is rude or dismissive then make it clear to DH you won't be inviting her in future.
But you need to watch that by being welcoming it doesn't mean you are landed with them more often than you want in the future.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.