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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it normal to say things like this? So worn down...

67 replies

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:00

We have been married nearly 7 years and have a DS (2.5). I know all couples have ups and downs etc but my DH seems to say that he wants to leave me every few months. The latest incident was on the back of a relatively minor disagreement where he told me he would leave me as fast as possible if he had the chance. The thing is he can't as we have a big mortgage and I think he worries about paying maintenance for our son and also financing himself.

I suspect that deep down, he is only staying with me because he feels trapped, he has said this himself (that he feels trapped and is not living the life he wanted). He hates where we live (even though it is actually a nice place, certainly not a shit hole) and he also moans constantly about having to work though he has a reasonable job. IMO, some of the things he says sound rather entitled which makes me sick TBH, and as though he should not have to work at all... I am a WAHM/SAHM but of course he never really counts my contribution as my life is 'easy'... If he could move back to his home town he would,I am sure.

That was a bit of background but my question is: do your DPs and DHs say they are going to leave you when angry about something and later apologise for it (and make excuses saying that it was your behaviour that prompted them to say it)? Is this a par for the course relationship thing? I am so worn down I can't tell any more. All I know is I feel destabilised and cannot remember the last time I felt relaxed.

OP posts:

Report

showtunesgirl · 15/04/2013 15:03

No, OP it's not normal.

CMOTDibbler · 15/04/2013 15:06

No, its not normal. What else is wearing you down?

Pagwatch · 15/04/2013 15:06

No. Dh has said that once in 22years. And i said 'go then. If you don't want to be here then go. Shall I help you pack?'

I don't think it is normal - its just a threat isn't it? And blaming you when he behaves like a toddler is pretty childish isn't it?

When did this shite start?

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:07

Not normal & quite damaging.

These comments alongside him not valuing you at all & disrespecting you will make you feel worse & worse.

Suggest you rethink your situation, as this is pretty indicative of emotional abuse really.

Dahlen · 15/04/2013 15:09

No, it's not normal. It's also a hallmark for an abusive relationship, which is what yours sounds like with his references to how 'easy' your life is, how hard done by he is and saying it's all your fault for prompting his bad behaviour in the first place.

Ogooglebar · 15/04/2013 15:11

No it's not normal OP. I've been with DH for 10 years and neither of us have ever said we want to leave the other, even in the heat of an argument.

I can understand that some people say horrible things they don't mean during arguments, but saying you want to leave someone is extremely damaging - it gradually erodes your trust in the relationship and in his love for you, even if he takes it back and apologises.

cestlavielife · 15/04/2013 15:14

my exp was like that. (in his case it descended into a full blown clinical depression...do watch out... )

the correct response as was said is "'go then. If you don't want to be here then go. Shall I help you pack?'"

has he always been half empty person?
does he have tendency to depresson? is this something he could address with gp?

wuld moving to his home town really help? can you sit and go thru practically speaking if is feasible?

or is it grass is greener...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2013 15:15

Not normal at all. He doesn't think he should have to work? Got a trust fund has he? Sounds like you've got a really selfish little brat on your hands there and I'm not talking about your toddler...

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:17

He seems to bottle things up and then the 'I want a divorce' thing comes out when he's particularly fed up.

He does use it as a threat and once, when I said,fine, he then began to backtrack and seemed really worried. But I cannot go on with this. He has done this several times, all through our relationship (even once packing a bag while our son was just weeks old) but at that time I was so vulnerable I begged him to rethink.

What wears me down additionally is his constant dissatisfaction with where we live and our life which, yes, has become mundane but hey that's what a young child does, right? I think he wants to go back to where he and his brothers grew up (though they have moved away). When DS was younger DH said he wished he'd never been born though he is a good, loving dad now. He blames saying that on the way I struggled with early motherhood (I now know it was normal exhaustion and I had a CS - I recall him making me go for a walk a few days after getting home, though I was in pain. I couldn't keep up but he walked ahead with his DB and DSIL who were visiting).

I'm so sad as I can see where this is going. I grew up in a loving house with two married parents and a sister where we all got along well (with what I think are normal ups and downs). I cannot see this as normal. DH and his brothers have a mother who is a bit of an alkie and has some mild MH issues. DS loves his dad and is a happy boy. I feel awful. My head hurts and I want to cry.

OP posts:

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:21

Yes, he did have depression when he was younger. I have wondered if he has this and have asked but he says it's me who is geting it wrong and that he's absolutely fine. He has said to me in the past that he has more fun at fucking terrible boring work than with me!

His mother treated him as the favourite out of his brothers and I honestly think I have a manchild on my hands.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2013 15:25

It's starting to sound a lot like Emotional Abuse (Psychological bullying or Emotional blackmail) where someone ramps up the emotional tension, makes threats, hurls insults, criticises, blames, withdraws affection, expresses entitlement, dissatisfaction etc ... all in an attempt to have you running around after them, keeping them happy. It is very selfish, cowardly behaviour that can end up wearing you down and affecting your confidence if you're not careful. You're actually lucky because you've seen through his act and how he manipulated you into begging him to stay because you felt vulnerable. That's precisely how it works.

As with all bullies stand up to them and take the initiative rather than waiting for the next insult or threat to leave to come your way. Turn around the power-balance in the relationship and something might be salvageable. If you're fed up with it, tell him to leave.

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:26

Re moving to his hometown - I think it is grass is greener. He wouldn't find a job as easily as he currently has a specific type of job and it might be tricky. When he talks of moving back to that town, he never considers what I might do for work. It's always him and his needs.

It's helpful to see what you all say. Thankyou for replying.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2013 15:27

The hometown move is definitely a selfish one. Is the mum that spoils him still there? If he can't get a job you'll never hear the end of it... it'll either be your fault or the world is plotting against him.

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:29

Cogito, I think he sees me as a weak woman. He blames me for everything that 'makes' him feel sad/annoyed/dissatisfied. It is always my fault. I cannot go on feeling this way. The last time he threatened to leave me, he actually told me he had Googled divorce but he hadn't meant it, was just 'curious'.

Jeez. This is so fucking not normal, is it?

OP posts:

Lueji · 15/04/2013 15:29

Tell him that next time he says it you will pack his bags.
And do it.

Unless you are in negative equity you can sell the house, and even so, you could always rent it out.

CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:31

Yes, the mum is still there. Her halo shines brighter than the bloody sun, I tell you.

OP posts:

purplewithred · 15/04/2013 15:33

Really really sorry, I understand you want to give DS the same kind of happy family as you grew up in, but DH is not going to deliver this. And you bending over backwards to make DH happy isn't going to do it either. So grieve for that a bit, then separate.

Ahhhcrap · 15/04/2013 15:33

No it's not normal OP I lived like this for years with my exH. Until I realised just his wrong it was and left

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2013 15:38

It's actually distressing normal... he's following a pretty well-worn path of selfish, cowardly, nasty little men who resort to emotional bullying to get their own way. Blame everyone else, take no responsibility, be irrationally unpleasant and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to make others feel small. Very transparent and totally unacceptable.

You're not a weak woman in the slightest I daresay. He needs to keep telling you that you are, because it's the only way he feels superior.

Lueji · 15/04/2013 15:39

FWIW, ex would say things like that, pretty much until he realised that I'd tell him to just go.

It's about control, not that he wants to leave you at all.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:43

By the way, what he's doing is actually more calculated than it seems.

And he could be the best dad in the world and it still wouldn't make it ok.

He's setting a god awful example to your son for a start anyway. That most certainly is not how you treat the person you love (well, not normally).

Have you considered your other options? Do you have a plan in case? A way out if you need it?

Pagwatch · 15/04/2013 15:43

The trouble is that everytime he threatens and you buckle he can enjoy blaming you for his life/bad luck/woes.
There is no down side. He can be a wanker with impunity.
You have to chose if you are going to continue to let him blackmail you - he can treat you badly because you will put up with it if he stays.

When I told dh to go he was shocked as hell. It made him realise I would rather manage alone that put up with him being a dick. It made him realise he had chosen this life and he could embrace the tough times or fuck off.

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CutMyFringe · 15/04/2013 15:44

Thanks so much for the replies, all of you.

While I typed my post (I namechanged btw but I've been around MN for aeons or yonis, even) my hands were cold and clammy but now I feel a bit better, knowing that this is not acceptable. I mean, I did know it, but hearing how fucking horrible it is to live with me etc etc has ground me down to say the least. I am not saying I am an angel and I am sure I can be a pain. I am not a devil though and to hear that I am not worthy of being married to again and again has hurt me deeply.

Lueji I think he'd be horrified that I am considering taking him at his word .

OP posts:

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:44

(I hate to sound like a jaded woman but he most likely enjoys & get validation from you getting upset over his 'leaving' comments & it's a way of checking he still has a decent amount of power over you).

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 15:46

*gets

And no one's perfect cut' but most people do not mistreat the person they love. But then you know that.

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