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Controlling behaviour - Seeking advice as i have no where to turn

(107 Posts)
tweedlezee Mon 15-Apr-13 11:03:33

OK, so here I am. confused and alone with no where to turn or so it feels. Wondered if the good ship mums net could sail me away to a happier place. I am going to be brutally honest and I really hope someone else out there is too.
So DP and I have 2 kids. We were together about a year before I got pregnant. when I got pregnant he couldn't have been happier.
not long after, he said a couple of odd things which stick in my mind. he sort of accused me of maybe being pregnant by someone else. this stayed with me all through my pregnancy and it was a huge relief when my son came out looking exactly like his dad. so I moved out of my gorgeous flat and into his stinking flat to save money. I had SPD through my pregnancy and so really couldn't move/walk/turn over in bed. I ate a lot and became quite depressed. he used to get really frustrated with me. telling me I should do more but when I offered things up to do, he never wanted to do them with me. He used to want me to go out clubbing but didn't understand why I felt it wan't appropriate., I felt I could do nothing right and I could not please him. despite working 40 hours a week, saving like mad and cooking. cleaning for him.
We moved into a new house and my son was born. I developed post-natal depression as I had limited support from family (who live v.far away) and my DP was building his business. I became pregnant again, just as I felt I was getting myself back. my SPD became too much by the time I was 6 months pregnant. I couldn't stand and me and DS spent a lot of time at home watching telly. I could just about stand up long enough to make tea for DS and DP. DP used to get frustrated with me as I cried a lot due to being immobile/working 25 hours a week and looking after a 1 yr old.
DP can be quite stand off-ish with my friends. has been known to tell me that if I keep 'speaking my mind' then my friends will 'not like me anymore'. My friends are amazing. He has also been known to be rude about my parents and I find myself joining and feeling bad about them coming over because he seems uncomfortable with them around.
I am confused.
He feels controlling but he tells me I am controlling. I have wanted to return to work but he has said that his job is more important. he wont agree to giving me some money everyweek saying I should just be able to ask for it. HE is always late and makes me late even though I want to be on time. he seems to know it will upset me and tells me I am being stupid. he tells me I am mad whenever w e fight and ignores my feelings. he also says he worries about the kids with me but leaves them at home with me everyday and wont sacrifice the growth of his business. I am confused. I am alone. I don't want to talk to my friend too much as I don't want them to think ill of him or to feel to protective of me as its is awkward for them. Please help.

ponygirlcurtis Mon 15-Apr-13 14:10:02

Really well done for emailing your dad. I hope you will get support from him - sometimes, having the back-up from RL people can be very powerful in helping you realise that you are fine, it's him that's horrible.

It sounds as if you are seeing things quite clearly. he is being awful and abusive towards you, and your lovely children. The longer you stay, the more worn down you will get, especially now you can see him for what he is. Speak to Women's Aid and get a plan to leave in place. You can do it - it might be a bumpy road, but you will find support on here if you need it, whatever stage you are at.

gillybeandramaqueen Tue 16-Apr-13 19:38:56

I've been with someone like this. Get your family and trusted friends to help you get away from him. ASAP. Sooner rather than later. Or before you know it, a couple more years will have passed and you will be an even more controlled, empty shell and it will be all the harder to get your soul and your life back. Do it for your kids. They do not need to see their mum slowly being destroyed and living in what cannot possibly be a happy and positive environment...

Be strong and bigger than him. Lots of luck and love to you xxx

tweedlezee Sat 04-May-13 09:33:42

there's me thinking It could be ok. I always think it could be ok. because when I see him with the kids it breaks my heart to think about them not being with him everyday. they love him so much. I thought I would put myself first, I thought I could live alongside him but he will always push me down. I have been offered a job just one day a week through a friend. considering I haven't worked for 18 months it seems wise to slowly get bk to work. he said "it sounds fine" was happy when I arranged childcare for the littlest, I moved around all the days, got settling in sorted. the lady has asked me to go in and see her next week for an hour or so to sort things out. so he says "that SHOULD be ok" of course I ask what he means by should and the whole evening EXPLODES! Ending with me being told that this job was not ambitious enough, that it doesn't make monetary sense (60 quid a week), is it what i want to do with my life, etc... I don't know! all I know is I am over drawn, you give me £40 a week to run this house (and that has only been in the last 7 days) and no access to money. you have spent 3 years making me feel that your business is more important than me and my time and now you are making me feel like wanting to work one day a week is selfish. And yet you hide it all behind controlling words like "it SHOULD be fine" what is should????? IS it fine or not fine? do you support me or not? Why can you not be happy for me? WHY IS IT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( I make no apologies for grammar, I am verbally spewing on mumsnet)

SundaysGirl Sat 04-May-13 10:49:01

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you are seeing now that you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't. That is, these kinds of abusive people will never let you do anything 'right' because they don't WANT you to succeed or to be happy, they want to feel the 'power' of tearing you down.

Had you got a job with more hours that was more 'ambitious' as he puts it, you would have been berated for not seeing the children as much or some other reason.

When you begin to realise that all they do is set you up for a fall it makes you angry but it can help to realise it's not your fault and there really is nothing you can do, no way you can twist yourself, to please this person and get the love and care you need from them. Because they just don't want to be that way to you. sad

He doesn't want to be happy for you. And withdrawing money like that is financially abusive.

Also you say how you felt / hoped it could all be ok, but men like this prey on that optimism and hopefullness, throwing you just enough every now and then to keep you there, but with no intention of ever treating you well. As others have said the longer you stay the more he will suck from you.

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 18:33:57

And we have this amazing weekend full of niceness and today? I asked about childcare for this job i have an interview for and he says "you just want to go over and over the same thing again" (i just talk about stuff like a person) and later when i question him on why he said it, he tells me that he didn't say it. HE DID!!! I shouted at him. I just blew my lid that he would question what i klnow is true, what i heard with my own ears.
And he gets in from work and barely asks me about my day, telling me he's tired and making me feel it is so outrageous that i would want someone to be interested in me. It's like one step forward, 90 steps back and i dont know if i am coming or going. I was on such a high today. The kids and i had such a fun day and i braved going to the opticians with them despite it being really hard work. Thanks to my Dad giving me money I was able to treat them to a cake at a cafe. He doesn't know my dad gave me money.
Is it so bad i shoul drun away? I dont want to run away from my own life. I have worked so hard to get here and to have all this. But he has to knock me down from my joy. Like my joy is painful to him. Or is that just me being insecure. I dont know anymore

ColinCaterpillar Wed 08-May-13 18:53:40

IME, partners like this get raging jealousy when good things happen to you. My ex would rain on my parade over promotions, praise etc. if something good was on the cards for him, he'd say, 'jealous?' like he wanted me to be. I would always respond in seriousness, 'honey, I love you. I want good things to happen for you, of course I'm not jealous, I'm happy for you'. It was LOST on him.

You really need to read the EA thread.

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 19:40:07

What's the EA thread?
even when i spoke to him on the phone, asking him about his day, he was standoffish with me.
this evening he has called me all sorts of names because i challenged him on how he was behaving when he came home from work. he barely hugged me, i made him tea, he only said thank you after i left the room. when i challenged him on this he said he was tired. i thn said how i felt i should be treated and i was accused of being self-involved. laying into me whilst giving the kids a bath, getting really angry because i was staying calm he then (after tleling me about how bad my attitude was etc) proceeded to say "i can understand why that person you used to live with used to hit you" (he hit me once - i left straight away, bet he couldn't even name who he was or where i was at the time).
The thing is, it all started because i asked him if he wanted me to put the kids into childcare form 8am so he could drop them off earlier on his way to work. then i toilet blocked, he was going to go to work leaving it blocked and i told him that was not ok. these 2 things plus my fun today seem to have changed his mood. We had such a fun weekend. its like living with 2 people. i just stand up for myself and expect to be treated in a certain way, like all people do. we have our expectations in a relationship.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 08-May-13 19:44:03

It might make for sobering and upsetting reading; or maybe it will clarify a few things and you'll feel like you aren't going mad at all.

Read the links, read our ramblings, lurk or feel free to join. See what you think. No pressure, we're all lovely and we're all working it out together

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 19:44:40

thank you x

ColinCaterpillar Wed 08-May-13 19:54:29

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, standing up for yourself and acknowledging your needs.

Anyone who says you deserve physical abuse is committing emotional abuse.

The Jekyll and Hyde/nasty nice thing is par for the course - so you can't see straight and it keeps you where they want you.

TheVermiciousKnid Wed 08-May-13 19:54:59

What a nasty bastard. sad

Piemother Wed 08-May-13 20:01:26

God these men do it straight out of a textbook don't they confused

My ex has content argued everything - even on mn.

Op, I am divorced from a pathetic emotional abuser and couldn't be happier. You could too x

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 20:08:53

it just hurts doesn;t it because i truely have 2 of the kindest most beautiful children who spend all day talking about their day. the wind blows down the chimney and straight away its "daddy?" i also have no job, no support system close by (though my mum and dad are amazing and know all that is going on and i speak to his mum all the time) i have a job interview (which he has done his best to belittle) on friday. i need him to have the kids from 2 and i have had to lie about the time as i know he will be late and tell me i am being up tight that i dont want to be late. i guess its good i wont have to divorce. we are not married. he has told me he wouldn't marry because of my "attitude". nice! i have loads of friends who love me and i am so grateful to them yet i dont want to spend my whole time telling them what a shit he is and stay with him. but when its good (like at the wkend) it is so good and i really enjoy being with him. why cant he just be like that all the time? yet he makes it feel like its my fault? but i dont tell him to react so horribly to what i say! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!! smile

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 20:10:37

children who spend all day talking about their daddy.

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 20:11:44

piemother what does it mean to 'content argue'?

turbochildren Wed 08-May-13 20:11:46

tweedledeez, good grief. poor you! get your job, just get your independence! what a prize nasty piece of work he is.
Bringing back previous partner's abuse and saying you deserved it? why do they do this?
He may be a psychopath, which is impossible for you to live with.
So sorry to hear about this.

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 20:19:57

it barely touches me now turbochildren. i know what i have and apart from shouting in his face this morning (because he put his face in mine and told me i was lying about what i know i heard) i barely get cross. i have no energy. all my energy goes on making sure my children are happy. and they really really are. yet he tells me that he thinks i want to control my son (because i tried to get him to potty train). But when i pick him on this he tells me that i am taking it the wrong way and that he tells me what a good mum i am all the time.
sorry if i am spilling my life all over this. i just have no outlet, this is saving my brain and making me realise what is going on

ColinCaterpillar Wed 08-May-13 20:28:01

It sometimes doesn't touch you - how else could you survive? You become resilient and you shouldn't have to be and it's quite damaging long term but ensures you don't go mad short term.

Controlling your son?! What rot. I believe you are socialising him. Bloody hell. Keep talking and don't apologise.

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 20:44:54

truetrue. how else does one survive but to kick in those survival instincts? I knwo it is not ok. it does indeed twist my brain. i DO need some independance. he has made me dependant yet berates me for it. tells me to ask for money but then says he doesn;t have any when i do. wont pay for a holiday or bday present for our kids but can spend 1000pounds on a work van

ColinCaterpillar Wed 08-May-13 20:53:10

Again, yep that's the game. Mine wanted me to do everything for him yet complained I had no backbone; when I developed a backbone, he complained. He could tell me black was white and then if I agreed with him, change his mind.

tweedlezee Wed 08-May-13 20:55:39

he will agree with anyone but me, unless he is in one of his 'good moods'.

tweedlezee Thu 09-May-13 08:27:33

so he says he cant give me money for my sons bday present but i go upstairs to get my passport from his drawer and theres a huge bundle o fmoney in a n envelope. Also, after last nights argument i woke up this morning and he is all sweetness and light like nothing has happened. aslo noticed that the loud crash i heard after he had said horrible things ot me was him punching the door, there is a huge crack in the wood. i had this horrible dream about trying to run away and calling the police but i couldnt get away, i was hysterical and kept trying to call the police. i think its because i had to sleep next to him after all the htoughts i had been having.
he woke up this morning and tried to cuddle me, i batted him away. he said he "wanted to talk" so i said can i have a minute to wake up, he said of course. then after about 10seconds got up and said he was busy today so couldn't talk. MEH! I am sending up supporting evidence for a council house. i would just like it if he moved out - but he wont.

Jux Thu 09-May-13 09:04:37

This is awful, tweedlezee.

Talk to WA. Talk to CAB. WA can recommend a family law expert who will tell you your options. There are legal ways to bar him from the house so that you could stay.

tweedlezee Thu 09-May-13 09:38:22

eeurgh managed to pluck up the courage to wring WA and they are busy. cant really call in the evening because he is around. i cant call on my mobile because i wont be able to pay the bill. feel so sick and sad and angry. i was so happy 2 days ago and now he has done it again. why? its like he has to rage at me so he can feel normal. to say all those things in front of my kids. to be so cold, to say i was lying when i heard it with my own ears. I WAS THERE!!!!!!!! got a friends coming around this afternoon but nothing will make this better. nothing.

cestlavielife Thu 09-May-13 10:02:57

" aslo noticed that the loud crash i heard after he had said horrible things ot me was him punching the door, there is a huge crack in the wood. "

take photos and report to police - he might lash out at you/dc next.

go to police dv unit and tell them ask them to put marker on your phone so if you call 999 they know to come urgently.

did you take the money from the drawer?
have you your own money?

the nice/nasty is typical. you need to act next time he is nasty - leave / ask him to leave / call police

the making you alte was a tactic my ex employed too. again it's a typical control thing.

it is all in lundy bancroft book if you can get hold of it why does he do

go talk to your gp and/or hv - record what is happening and see what help they can refer you to .

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