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My sister called my DS a 'little shit'(96 Posts)
We were at a family paryt. Lots of children, bouncy castle etc. She had brought some her her DC's ride on toys along for everyone to play on.
Her two are 1 and 3.
My DS1 (who is 10) was riding on a scooter and as he went past her she barked at him 'get off that!', he thought she was joking (so did I) so he pulled a face and scooted off, she then turned to me and said, 'tell that little shit to get off DDs scooter before he breaks it'.
I coldly said, don't ever call my son a little shit again, the toys are there for the children to play with, he hasn't done anything wrong.
Yes, she said, the LITTLE children, not him.
I told DH and we went and told both our older two (DD is 9) to not play with the bikes and trikes.
I am FURIOUS. The worst thing is, I childmind both her DDs so my three children share ALL their toys with them.
DS is tiny, by the way, he weighs about 3.5 stone and is 135cm, it's not like he's a great hulking preteen like some of his peers. The scooter was a metal one, exactly the same as my DC have.
We had some issues on holiday last year where they scapegoated our DC over things their DD was doing. They let her run around in a restaurant and I asked DD to go and get her, she cried and my sister really shouted at my DD. I don't think she likes my children and she's made it quite obvious.
How on earth do I deal with this? I am actually shaking with rage as I type this. I know that as a parent of younger children, older ones can seem very big and very other, but this was awful.
Wow, tough one. Bit knee jerk but I'd be thinking about childminding some different kids in future. Sounds like this has the potential to blow right up when her kids get to an age where you have to discipline them as their childminder. I reckon it would be one rule for her where she can yell at your DC, but another rule for you with her DC.
Perhaps a bit of distance now might prevent a big bust up in the future?
She may have had a point re him breaking it (depending on the type of scooter it may have had a weight limit, e.g. the mini micro ones have a 20kg weight limit). HOWEVER that was a very nasty way for her to put it, and I'd be if anyone said that to me about my DCs.
She was nasty calling your ds a little shit.
Not sure about the scooter thing, he was rude to pull a face and ignore her but a metal scooter isn't going to break that easily unless he was throwing it around.
Consider not child minding for her anymore if she's really pissed you off, do you get on generally?
If it was a normal scooter like my children has then she was completely out of order. Even if it was a toddler one, then the phrase 'tell the little shit to get off it' is never appropriate, why couldn't she calmly and nicely say 'I've just told your son to get off the scooter, it's for the little ones'. Your son should have got off anyway, though, even if he didn't agree with the reason, it was you to sort it out.
I think the advice to back away from caring for each others children all the time is good.
I would be very cross if any of my sisters said that... She WBU
but maybe she was worried about him mowing her kids down, I assume the 1 yr old isn't mobile/steady?
Had she had too much to drink?
Perhaps it's time to review the childminding arrangements? I wouldn't be going on holiday with them again. I think you would probably all get along better if you didn't see them so much.
She didn't request it, she barked it at him across the hall, really it came across as a mickey take/banter sort of thing (which woudl be fairly usual) because it was over the top and out of the blue. I was then really shocked when she spoke to me.
She hadn't said anything about the toys being just for the younger kids, if she had we would have made sure the older ones didn't use them.
She seems to really separate them in her mind from the younger ones (including my DS2).
I would have left the party after that.
I can just imagine that happening at a family party of ours and DS would have thought his Aunty was joking by telling him to get off.
Not sure what you can do but I think I would ring her and say how upset you all are and ask if there is anything she would like to get off her chest. Am sure she needs you more than you need her childminding-wise.
Some thoughts are best kept in your head. This is one of them.
Your son and sister were both wrong I think.
Blimey, I'd have been fuming. Your DS doesn't sound much bigger than my (very tall) DD, and she's 3. I think the face pulling/ignoring thing would depend on the details. From how you described it I pictured a scowl, or sticking his tongue out and wilfully ignoring her. From knowing how we joke with my 9yo nephew, I can picture him doing something very different and not at all disrespectful.
I think I'd be wary about minding her children, and would be taking a step back in general. It sounds like a very awkward situation to be.
I'm sorry but I really don't think my son did anything wrong, he's not a mind reader and didn'tknow he wasn't allowed to play with the scooter, and he thought she was having a joke with him, so did I and so did other people (who were all shocked by what she said after).
And as soon as we asked him properly to get off, he did.
Either regard this as stress of the moment, let it go, or regard it as something that's been simmering a while now. Which is more likely?
From what you mention of last year's holiday it could be that there's some sibling envy going on somehow. Your DCs are older, they need less looking after, you have lie-ins, she has two under 4, she envies you being ahead and past little kid stuff. Maybe she perceives you as one of life's copers, maybe you and DH make a good parenting team while her DP isn't as hands on?
My concern would be that if she feels like that, you could find child-minding her two becomes a real bone of contention.
Fwiw at least she didn't call your DS a little shit to his face and he shouldn't have pulled a face at her, just my opinion.
That's it exacly, MrsMango, He just sort of grimaced at her and carried on.
He is very small for his age.
Before parents have had an older child they generally view any children older than their own as a threat in some way. Big, rough, boisterous, obliged and able to talke all responsibility for e, verything on a shared play situation. I was like this - when DS was crawling I viewed 2 year olds as 'big' and likely to quash or squash him, and to be a bit culpable for taking toys off him...and so it went on. At 2, I would watch anxiously as 4 year olds pushed past him on slids, etc etc.
HOWEVER your sister seems to have taken it to a new level. It's NEVER acceptable, IMO, to refer to a child as a little shit (ugh!), and her vehemence does sound dislike, which is not nice between sisters.
She sounds both over-protective of her smaller children AND unpleasant towards your DS.
Calm down and talk to her seriously, tell her how you felt hearning your child described like that, and ask how she would feel if you descried one of her kids like that.
I would no longer be child-minding her children after that! Totally uncalled for. A parent at DS's school did this about my DS last year...referred to him on Facebook as "a little shit" . Thing is that my DS is autistic and all he had done was stand on the school stage during a class performance when he shouldn't have been there....he got confused. But he was "a little shit" apparently.....some people have no class, no manners and no idea how to behave.
If she doesn't like your children then I would tell her that you no longer feel "good enough" to look after HERS!
Also, DH has just told me that he found out BIL had D&V the day before the party and my sister lied about it.
At Easter, my DD was sick once on the Saturday night so I phoned my sister to tell her, and she told us we couldn't come for Easter Sunday because she couldn't risk her girls catching it. This was following a week of having both her girls at mine with high temperatures and generally being ill.
So my DC all missed out on the big family Easter do (and all spent the Easter hols fighting off the high temp bug), but BIL came to this party , it's one rule for them and another for us.
I'm getting crosser the more I think of, actually.
A very loaded and unpleasant thing to call her own nephew. Do you know why she is like that, and why you are not <just curious>?
Anyway, you could tell her that you found it really unkind and hurtful. See what she says in response. I wouldn't bother arguing about it though. Stay quiet and just see what she says. Then leave it at that. She may have to go away and consider it for a while. At the very least her response should be interesting, and you get the chance to be honest with her (and yourself).
If she is generally horrible and rude like this at times, I think taking her up on it will help, like the drip-drip effect of a tap. Even if you are a bit frightened of her (are you?) she will eventually get the message. It may take a few years but eventually she will think twice before she speaks to you or your children like that.
She is rude to everybody, it's just what she's like. And she can be quite terrifying.
But I did pull her up on at the time, and she did offer a sort-of apology later.
I think it just speaks volumes about how she sees my DC. It's not the first time she's been unpleasant about them, she can be really horrible about DD in particular.
Time for a proper talk I think.
Also agree that you are in a stronger position if you do a lot of childcare for her, and that sometime in the future you may think about doing less to make things more airy and less intense between you.
You had to be told to remove your 9 and 10 year olds from the toddlers bikes and trikes? Just how tiny can your 10 year old possibly be?
Molly...they were not toddler trikes...it was a metal scooter similar to the one her own child has.
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