Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can't believe i acted like this :(

(20 Posts)
Annielove Sun 14-Apr-13 23:03:16

Met this nice guy who takes me out, cooks for me etc. He likes a drink but handles it well. A year and a half ago my husband left, now he was an aggressive drinker and would often call me awful names after a night out.
A couple of days ago i went out with my new man and we had quite a bit to drink. I drank gin which i never do. On the way home i apparently turned on him and started ranting and raving, swearing at him calling him names. I can remember crying and shouting because he kept talking about his ex but it's all a blur. I am absolutely mortified.. i have never behaved like this before and am such a passive person normally. He said he felt scared and doesn't think he wants to see me again which i completely understand but feel so ashamed and can't believe i did this. Think i probably shouldn't drink anymore this has really freaked me out.

ImperialBlether Sun 14-Apr-13 23:06:59

I think you're probably right, that you shouldn't drink again. How much had you drunk and how much do you normally drink? Do you think you've normalised alcohol over the years you were with your ex?

All you can do is apologise to him and take the full blame on yourself. You can say "Thank you for the lovely meal. I'm so sorry I ruined the evening. I know I was upset when you were talking about your ex but my behaviour was unforgivable. I have decided to take a long, hard look at myself and stop drinking."

Helltotheno Sun 14-Apr-13 23:09:56

Yes knock the booze on the head OP, or at the very least, watch for signs of how it affects you and stick to low alcohol beers, limited number of drinks etc. There's not enough information here to say whether you have a problem with alcohol.

If he doesn't want to see you again, that's understandable I'm afraid. It was early days so probably no harm for you to step back.

Annielove Sun 14-Apr-13 23:10:22

Thank you Imp, i had a drink every time he did but i'm not a regular drinker. I have apologised big time. Hate myself for ruining things.

ballroomblitz Sun 14-Apr-13 23:31:57

All you can do is apologise op and if he doesn't want to see you again, take it on the chin and learn from it.

I once turned a bit nasty when drunk during a period where I was going through a hard time with my ex and he was threatening to kill himself as I'd left him. White wine which I can drink far too quickly. Neither of those are excuses for the way I behaved and I was lucky that I was forgiven (after a lot of grovelling) as the person has known me for thirteen years and understood I just wasn't myself then - but he did give me a stern talking to, which I deserved.

I was completely disgusted with myself if I'm honest. Even thinking about it now makes me feel a bit sick, and it was years ago. I knocked the booze on the head for a bit until I was feeling a bit more mentally together. I have never touched white wine since, pace myself while drinking and never, ever drink when I'm feeling down or annoyed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 14-Apr-13 23:51:14

You're not the only one who can't handle alcohol, OP. The only thing to do is accept that you can't drink it - and don't - then you'll never be in this position again.

Forgive yourself but really do lay off the booze. Drunks are not fun.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 15-Apr-13 00:53:55

Anything stronger than beer, and I can turn nasty. It's as if it turns up the pain inside me - if I have anything to feel pain about. Maybe him talking about his Ex had this kind of effect? Also after a couple (I too tend to swig), I tend to lose judgment with regard to drinking and can overdo it.

So these days I stick to the occasional pint or two (in halves or bottles) of lager or beer, with a v occasional social glass of wine, brew is my fave tipple, either tea or coffee.

Annielove Mon 15-Apr-13 06:51:34

Thank you for replying, definitely learnt my lesson. He actually started seeing me when he was with this girlfriend , i didn't know about her and then she unexpectedly died. I suppose part of me feels he only stayed with me because she died and also hard to forgive him for lying and cheating like my ex. Doesn't excuse my behaviour but i've obviously got some issues.

swallowedAfly Mon 15-Apr-13 06:56:28

sounds like there are issues full stop then. how long have you been seeing each other? if it's early days and it started with him cheating and then she died then this is all pretty recent surely?

Annielove Mon 15-Apr-13 07:01:23

Met him 7 mths ago, she died a couple of months after...no it's not good. Had quite a lot of emotional abuse from my husband of 23 yrs. Think emotionally i wasn't in a good place when i met him. Time to be on my own i think.

thistlelicker Mon 15-Apr-13 07:05:39

General question ..... Why do people appear to drink "quite a bit" but know they can't handle it? Or don't know they have had
Too much! And noway is any of these questions reference to op

swallowedAfly Mon 15-Apr-13 07:16:58

maybe start a thread rather than put it on hers then thistle if it's not in ref to her.

it does sound messy annie and presumably all the pent up emotion and distrust of it all is what came out when you were drunk.

it might be a good thing this is over. it's lovely that he cooks but it doesn't counter lying about being with someone and the mess involved in being a cheat and his partner dying.

Annielove Mon 15-Apr-13 07:18:11

I think thistle in my case it was a question of confidence, felt more relaxed and sociable and thinking you know your limits. I obviously didn't recognise mine sad

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 15-Apr-13 07:19:36

I think you should stay away from any man who 'likes a drink' whether they can handle it or not. After 23 years with an aggressive drunk your associations with alcohol will be deeply entrenched and very negative. Your responses to men getting drunk are likely to be out of proportion and trigger strong feelings in you.

Wrt this actual guy - run a mile. He cheated on his girlfriend with you - then she died? Yeah, he's so far away from being suitable for a relationship. Cut your losses and spend a bit of time working on yourself so you learn to recognise your triggers.

thistlelicker Mon 15-Apr-13 07:19:59

Maybe it's a lesson learnt then. Recognise
Your limits
Or as u say don't drink

Annielove Mon 15-Apr-13 07:20:32

You are right swallow, lots of pent up emotion. Once i found out i should have ended things then. Have learnt a big lesson though..no alcohol for me for a while!!

swallowedAfly Mon 15-Apr-13 07:20:35

well that or you didn't realise the depth of emotions you've been carrying around repressed that were desperate to burst out.

i don't think these things are static - they interact with what's going on with us. so someone with no usual problem with drinking might react very badly during a time of intense stress or grief or something.

Annielove Mon 15-Apr-13 07:24:52

I had just found out my husband was seeing a 26yr old, thought i was ok with it ...probably not. Thanks ladies.. sometimes your head just gets messed up and i think i haven't dealt with the fall out from my marriage properly.

TheYoniKeeper Mon 15-Apr-13 07:27:55

Time to be on my own i think

It's not all that bad & is a much better idea if you've not fully recovered from past relationships. Sounds like you need to work on a few things, for yourself & any potential partners in the future.

It honestly sounds like you've felt ambivalent about the way you two got together & having a few too many caused you to let it all out. That doesn't make it ok but it makes sense. If it was making you feel uncomfortable & affecting your self esteem then maybe it's for the best if this relationship is over. (It would make anyone feel a little like second fiddle & like they couldn't fully trust the man in question)!

Just avoid the drink, try to work on healing properly from what's happened to you & treat this incident like a lesson smile

TheYoniKeeper Mon 15-Apr-13 07:29:43

(it's worth maybe going to your GP/private & asking about counselling of some sort)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now