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Aspergers DH....Can it work, really?(76 Posts)
I have name changed for this. Please be gentle with me, I've never had to post on Relationships before.
My husband has Aspergers. I am continuing to learn what this means in terms of our relationship. I know this is something that he cannot change. I have only recently accepted that he will not change (this was very hard for me as I am a hopeless optimist).
We have tried all sorts of ways to try to communicate better; we went through nearly a year of counselling and it did help while we were doing it. But now that we have been finished for a few months, things are going back to the way they were before, even though I feel I have changed and learned and have grown so much from the therapy.
We are currently reading self-help books specifically about Aspergers relationships.
He has been officially diagnosed in the last couple of years and has received CBT therapy and goes to a support group. He is very intelligent and very loving and caring (in his own way). He is a devoted and loving father (again, in his own way).
What has come up recently is that now I am realizing that my needs cannot be fullfilled by him, I am starting to take care of my needs more and more. I have my friends who I can talk to, I have my personal time to de-stress, I have my kids to keep me more than busy and happy, I am doing a course to hopefully have a career when the kids are older.
This has left him feeling left out and out of sorts. His night-time routine has changed because I am no longer staring at the t.v. with him every night. He is becoming even more reliant on me to make life ok for him.
It feels like I am between a rock and a hard place.
I love him and I would love to live harmoniously with him under the same roof, but is this possible? To live harmoniously together we would have to understand what the other person needs, right? And give and take on both sides. Is this even possible with a DH who has Aspergers?
Is there anyone out there who has been married to as Aspergers man? How do you make it work? If it didn't work, how did/do you manage, especially if there are children involved?
I love him, I do. I'm just so emotionally drained.
OP , in answer to your question I think it can work but it is very, very hard work.
For me, by the time we realised that my STBXH had AS, too much emotional damage had already been done and we were too broken to mend us.
The main problem was parenting, I felt like I had an extra DC who couldn't be trusted with the actual DC, I was hyper-vigilant all the time because I was trying to protect them from emotional damage. I would build them up emotionally and he would knock them down and undo all my hard work and I would have to start again - exhausting!!
I too felt cheated and totally let down. I didn't have the strength or the will to carry on so I ended the marriage. The diagnosis of AS explained the past to me but also it painted a bleak future with little prospect of things getting any easier.
If we had known ten yrs earlier we could maybe have overcome it, but like I said, too much damage had been done.
He copes well with having the DC alternate weekends as it is relatively small(er) doses. He is a much better, much more confident, more involved, more relaxed dad now than he ever was before. He has a new GF and he told her from the start that he has AS so hopefully it won't be so destructive for their relationship.
I now get a proper break every other weekend. Actual time to myself (36hrs and counting....)
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