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Confused, upset, sad.. Don't know what to do:(

(10 Posts)
3stars Sun 14-Apr-13 11:42:24

Hello, I have posted on here a bit recently, means its not turning over in my head and sending me even more pottysmile apologies if it turns out to be long. I have been with h now for nearly 15 years and married for 12, 3 small children(4,5 and 7) I am sahm. I have been unhappy for a few years now but have always pushed it aside and moved on as he seems to do. However these last few months I can no longer do this, I just feel like I don't care and its a horrible feelingsad I have talked to him many times but nothing changes. He does not get up in the mornings to help with the children, he does not help at bath and bedtime, he will sit at computer or tv and leave me to it and he will regularly go to bed gone midnight while I am gone between 9-10pm. I recently had a trip to hospital and after a week of help from my family my first morning back home I was back doing what I always do while he slept. I organise things for the children and I to do during the holidays because we never know what he may be working, the one day he did have off he never got up early so the children and I went out without him. He had some other days off also but we were busy. I have given up telling him what we are doing other than going out. He has now told me(not for the first time) that I have to get him up, I have to organise what we are doing. He has also told me I keep the children from him by going out, then when they home it's tea,bath and bed-true, but there is nothing stopping him from helping out. I am not very happy and I am barely speaking to him because I just don't see the point when I have tried so hardsad he is accusing me of mental cruelty now because of all this-yes I am short with him, I won't start a conversation etc. A few weeks ago he wrapped his hands round my neck because he snapped and was so cross with me for being like I have been, I went to leave for the night with the children, he said he would, made a call then told me he won't leave his house and possessions but I can go with the children if I want-this has also upset me cause it came out of nowhere. His reaction is to bury himself in the computer intentionally and refuse to face up to our problems until yesterday when the children started telling him all that we been doing and he got a bit put out. It sounds really silly now I have written it down but I have had enough-we have three children who need activities and entertaining each day that's enough for me without an adult who thinks they're a child and needs to be organised too. I have sought legal advise and am ready to proceed-he is unaware yet, but now I am not sure if I am doing the right thingsad there is an argument in my head but also I don't care, I have no incentive to carry on like this and I can't see anything changing, I just feel so confusedsad any words of advice greatly appreciated.

holidaydreaming Sun 14-Apr-13 12:25:13

I am shocked at how hard life is for some.
Hands round your neck- I don't think so. Pleased you've seeked advice. I think you may need it. It sounds like neither of you will live in that house if you split.
Thank god you sound like you're a great parent.the kids will need one!

I just don't know how you can go back from him putting his hands arounds your neck. I think it would be a deal breaker for me.

Sorry it's a short post but can't see after violence it ever working out.

Good luck

3stars Sun 14-Apr-13 18:29:42

Thank you for your reply, that's some of my thoughts too, I can't forget what he did, this has become my fault because I pushed him too far, he seems to be able to justify what he didsad

HorryIsUpduffed Sun 14-Apr-13 19:22:30

He sounds awful. What does he contribute?

Apparently he thinks you are a cook, nanny, maid and alarm clock hmm

You are doing the right thing. Good luck.

3stars Sun 14-Apr-13 20:14:41

Thank you, I never thought I would find myself here but I can't go on as we are and it would seem that nothing will change and I will get the blame. His contribution is to cook if home or unless I have prepared a meal lunchtime - but that is it

LouiseSmith Sun 14-Apr-13 23:52:37

No matter what "you did" or "didn't do" a real man, will never ever ever put there hands on you.

My dad once said to me, when I was a about 14 "When a man really loves a women, he will go above and beyond to protect her. The thought of harming her would make him physically ill"

I am glad you are seeking help, Leave hunni. Before its too late smile


BirdStrike Mon 15-Apr-13 00:39:16

3stars, this man is dangerous. please contact women's aid. he could have killed you with his hands round your neck.

Jux Mon 15-Apr-13 03:11:17

Of course you're doing the right thing! Even if the only thing was that you were unhappy, you'd be justified, but it's not the only thing. He's lazy, rude, unkind, but most of all ^ dangerous and violent^ . Get yourself and your kids away from him asap.

Have you spoken to WA? They will help you form a safe exit strategy.

What legal advice have you been given?

And please, next time he frightens you, insults you, or the children, call the police. Tell them he scares you.

Good luck.

Homebird8 Mon 15-Apr-13 03:41:32

The hands round your neck is a threat. It is demonstrating what is going thorough his head. It is a way of finding out how far he can push you.

Call the police and tell them that you are scared, that he put his hands round your neck, and that he will not leave after saying he would. Don't let him know you are doing it though. Can you gather a few things together for you and the DCs without him realising so that if you have to make yourselves safe you have enough until the police go back with you to get more. Can you get the important documents away from the house?

Even if you leave now it is not a done deal. WA and the police can help. Do you have somewhere you can go, even for a night or two?

Sending clarity and calm for you to do what you have to do. You all need to be safe and H is dangerous.

Lavenderhoney Mon 15-Apr-13 06:12:50

You don't sound silly at all- and you have got legal advice which is great. Have you contacted women's aid? The fact that he sees the house as " his and his possessions" is worrying to me. He doesn't care to change and is more concerned for his own well being.

It sounds terrifying to me. You can still report him to the police. Another poster here recently had a similar experience and the police were very helpful and I think her husband was removed from the property and had to pack and leave.

The refusing to leave - I think women's aid will help you as it sounds like he is forcing you to go, and will do anything to make that happen. Don't wait for it to get worse. Get out or him out as soon as you can. It's a matter of urgency.

Your dc will be happier too- it's no life for them and you, and hasn't been for a long time.

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