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What would Lundy Bancroft tell me to do next re xh?

(6 Posts)
AmateurMarriage Sun 14-Apr-13 11:13:52

i BOUGHT the book and it doesn't seem to have a section for dealing with an x. Or at least not enough info...

Situation is I left a man I only later realised was a classic narcissist and abuser. For about five years I was basically scared to pursue maintenance because he was so threatening to me. His anger towards me for leaving him was nuclear. But, time passed and his anger towards me seemed to diminish. It was stirred up again when I went for maintenance though. It's now in place and so far he is complying so my question is... I don't communicate with him at all btw. He rarely comes to see the children so if he texts a date I say ok yes., or kids busy, following wk? and that is IT.

do i 1) positively reinforce good behaviour by throwing him a few privileges that he has earned by being forced to do the right thing? eg, copies of school photos, reports, dropping the children in to him for a quick hello if i'm in the area....

or 2) not react at all to the fact that he is paying maintenance. he either pays it or he doesn't right? and if he doesn't pay it then the consequences are legal ones....

I feel sometimes that it's all so long ago now that I forget that he is not a normal person. I feel inclined to reward 'good behaviour' but then I'd be leaving myself open to game playing wouldn't I?

arthriticfingers Sun 14-Apr-13 11:27:14

The correct answer is '2'
For reasons too many to go into - but I think you know that, don't you.
Well done for getting your life to this stage - there is no reason on earth to upset what you have fought for.
Whether he has morphed into a human being or is still the shithead you were with is immaterial.

Hissy Sun 14-Apr-13 11:34:23

Option 2. He will find a way to manipulate you again if you let him.

Don't ever grant him any power in your life.

You are doing brilliantly.

Fleecyslippers Sun 14-Apr-13 11:41:00

Option 2. Complete withdrawal is the only way that you can preserve your sanity. 'ANYTHING' else will be manipulated and used to exert power and control. he should be financially supporting his children. beginning and end of.

LittleEdie Sun 14-Apr-13 11:44:03

Option 2. If you try to 'reward' good behaviour you are essentially trying to manipulate him, you're engaging with him - and that's not going to end well is it?

AmateurMarriage Sun 14-Apr-13 11:47:36

Thank you. You're all absolutely right. I deep down knew it. I am fighting the naive desire to have him 'see' in a eureka moment that you catch more flies with HONEY.

But it is pointless. Thank you for making me see though that that is 'engaging'. I will not engage. I never prevent him from seeing the children, that is my part. That is all. I need do no more. I owe him no more. the maintenance is for the children anyway so I do not need to 'reward' him for finally finally doing the right then (when he was forced to, he never did it willingly).

Thank you. I just needed confirmation. option 2 it is


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