Just to list a few behaviours, wondering if I am over-reacting about this...
H always manages to somehow hurt the children, he says accidentally.
Some examples:
he hurt ds1 with the door as he came through it by closing it too early, when telling him to come inside from the garden because he had been fighting with his siblings;
he pushed ds1 back when ds1 attacked him, and in the process ds1 hurt his head on the radiator;
he pushed ds3 back because ds3 pushed him, sending ds3 into the wall.
There are other numerous examples.
None of the children are hurt enough to bruise, just their egos are shot enough for them to always tell me about it, they always complain to me, and I feel that I should always defend them so I do in that I have words with H and make him apologise to them, but am also worried about the way H apologising.
Lately Ds1 has started saying to me that he is confused about whether he is misreading the situation and maybe he is imagining alot of things and exaggerating them in his own mind. Yesterday, ds1 somehow scratched his finger when entering the bathroom, and showed it to me to see if he should put some anti-septic cream on it. I went to get some, and in the meantime he had another agruement with his father, and said that his father had hit him on his scraped finger and made it bleed. His finger was now bleeding and slightly swollen. H protested it was an accident, I did not believe him and told ds that his father should not have done that.
Ds1 is on the autistic spectrum, so H says that because of this he misreads things and is hypersensitive, which I disagree with. Today ds1 is saying that he does not remember the incident about the finger 
I never have these problems with him. Plus it does not explain things with ds3.
I told h that I want him to move out tomorrow, that this is the last straw, and I am fed up of the fact that he never takes responsibility for his actions, and that I don't believe that he can have that many "accidents" with the children.
But he is acting as if nothing has happened, and is refusing to move out.
He insists that everything was accidental
I don't believe him, but feel stuck
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Is it really an accident
knackeredknitter · 14/04/2013 02:32
Thanks for all the replies
I can see both points of view here, and would like to answer a few q's from differentNFT
Ds1 is aged 10, ds2 is 8, both are autistic. Ds1 can be aggressive, ds2 is more passive. H is more gentle with ds2, so no incidents.
Ds3 is 7 and has always been a handful but is not autistic. He can be quite energetic, just a typical boy. He doesn't always listen and H often loses his temper with him and shouts at him alot.
I can handle ds1's aggression by being consistent, never surprising him, giving a warning, I don't break promises, and I am even tempered. I keep my language with him clear, no ambiguities/double meanings and no sarcasm. H does the opposite of all this, and has even mocked him and laughed at him. Therefore, ds1 gets easily agitated by h and this leads to alot of confrontration. Ds1 is emotionally immature due to his asd, but is intellectually gifted, ds2 has learning difficulties, so h expects alot more from ds1 than ds1 is capable of, behaviour wise.
I also have dd, but she spends most of her time with me and ds4. So 5 children. Ds4 is just 20 months old, dd is 4. H often shouts at dd to stop screaming and crying aswell, so she does tend to stay away from him.
One thing that worries me, is that when the children are accidentally hurt by h, is when he seems to be angry anyway. I can't work out if there is more aggression from the children as a reaction to h's anger and shouting, or the other way around. I am also fed up of seeing that children and h seem to mirror each other, with childish anger, and I feel that H should be able to remain calm. I always manage to do so, so why can't he?
To other questions, no he definitely never hurts other people, although interestingly I think he has done it to me on a couple of occasions......
When everything is ok.....hmm.....well he often ignores them totally until something happens, and I am busy with the youngest, and he has to deal with an incident.
It can be exhausting and I am often shattered because ds1 and ds2 don't sleep at all well at night, and neither does ds4 at the moment due to teething. I am always the one up with all of them. H oftens says he will help but doesn't wake up when needed. I have regular bouts of 3 or 4 days at a time with 2 or 3 hours sleep. I then take a nap here or there when desperate ( as in literally falling asleep while standing), and the fact that h accidentally hurts the boys, means that I don't feel able to have any proper rest because it would mean leaving the children in his care totally and well...I can't.
I often don't go to the toilet until completely desperate either, because h is always 'busy'...
I have been helping him all along, with advice, and trying to not put too much pressure on him, but I feel as though I am a single parent, and need some help. I am exhausted, and can't keep doing everything which he has nice restful hobbies, goes out when he likes, has full nights of sleep. If I complain about this he accuses me of being resentful, and says he is tired as well, and not just me.........
I am fed up of parenting him as well as dealing with the many needs of my children, I wish he would just grow up and take a responsible role. I wish i could trust him to help me with the children......
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