Kids meeting OW and her children? How soon?

[leftfootrightfoot]

H left 5 weeks ago to "find himself" but told kids he needed to be on his own etc and that he didn't love me anymore. Turns out he was having an affair and is now living with OW down the road. She has 2 kids who she and her husband seem to be fighting over. We have a 6 yo DS and 3 yo DD. DS has taken H leaving really badly. He has no friends with seperated parents and seems almost depressed. Last night he asked not to have Dad visit for a few weeks as it made him "too sad". The kids have no idea about the OW or the kids but my H is now keen to get them all to meet as he feels this will help our children to deal with him not being here? I feel its way too early and that I want them a bit more ok with him being gone before they suddenly realise he now has another 2 kids. I think DD will handle it ok as she is very friendly and will enjoy having other girls to play with etc but DS is very introvert, a real worrier, with aspergers traits and I am so worried about how he will feel/react/deal with this extra rejection of him

[mumtoone]

Your gut feel is probably right here as you know your children. Five weeks is a very short space of time and your DS has a fair bit to get his head around. I would really encourage your ex not to rush him into meeting the OW and her kids.

[Loulybelle]

I think it is too early, especially since its still rocky ground, your DS aspergers should be taken into account more, since children with it, dont take change very well.

My DD has Selective mutism and is much the same, her father has had her meet 2 girls both didnt last past a year, the change effects her.

I'd remind your ex about your DS Aspergers and how it might make him feel, hes been very unfair trying to force this.

[cinnamonsugar]

The standard advice I read when I split up with my ex was that children should not be introduced to any new partner until they are over the separation and used to that. My ex waited well over a year after our break-up before introducing our DC to his GF, which was about 7 or 8 months into their relationship. It's really not ideal, to say the least, that your STBXH is living with another woman/family immediately

[leftfootrightfoot]

Thank you. I have seperated out my feelings for him and am just trying to think of the DCs. I think that maybe in their new reality they have created this dream of 4 happy kids which most people looking in from the outside know will be tricky if not impossible, at least initially. He has only viited the kids here but maybe going to his house when she is out is best for a bit would you say? I'm sure he would go ape shit if I moved in a new bloke I had been only seeing for 5 weeks (according to him they were friends up until we split...hmm!!!)

[Loulybelle]

Regardless of what happened between you and your ex, your DCs arent used to this new idea their life and i would imagine ow kids arent, they are being wholly selfish to do this, just so they can validate their relationship and their reasons for cheating on 2 people and upsetting 4 kids, both of them run the risk of damaging their relationships with their kids and ruining any chance of a bond between the kids.

[leftfootrightfoot]

Its his new rented house, she is staying there "because she has nowhere else to go now her husband has thrown her out"...my heart bleeds! They are being very selfish, but whats annoying me is he is peppering it up with all this talk of it being best for them. He came to see them last week here and upset both of them as he is so stressy and shouty. I ended up stepping in and putting the youngest to bed as she was screaming upset and he had just left her becuase she wouldn't listen to him (she is 3!)

[Loulybelle]

Hes dealing with the aftermath of his guilt, of course, he would maintain he has no reason to feel guilty.

[badinage]

As he's proved he is completely untrustworthy by having an affair and lying about it when he left, I wouldn't trust him not to stage a meeting with his new partner when he has contact with the children. And unfortunately, there's not a damned thing you can do about it if he does because you can't control who the children meet nor what they do while in his care.

So it might be better if you pave the way a bit with the children and give them a child-friendly and age-appropriate version of the truth, rather than risk them having a shock foisted on them by two extremely selfish individuals.

[Ouchmyhead]

He wants to introduce them to his new Gf after 5 weeks?! I think you're right, that's way too soon! Your children are still only small, what if they split up? It's so unfair of him to parade random women in front of them and expect them to be completely ok with her and her children. I can't imagine how horrible it would be for them to go round to a strange house to see their Dad, and not only see him with someone who isn't their mum but also see him with her children? He is being so unreasonable, I may be being naive but I'd of thought at least 6 months before introducing any new girlfriends, and that really is a minimum, anything sooner and I just don't think you'd know if the relationship was going anywhere.

[TheRealFellatio]

Everything Schmaltzing said. It's way, way too soon. What a blinkered idiot he is being.

[leftfootrightfoot]

What sort of leverage?!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

It is way to soon, however, other have said you can voice an opinion,but your ExH doesn't have to listen to it. I know from my own experience that in this situation others can be very selfish. My ExH left on the Friday and had his first sleepover with OW whilst DD was there on the next Wednesday! All I got was when she is with me it is up to me what we do!
I suspect that the selfishness will only continue to grow.

[Fleecyslippers]

Be prepared for your opinion to count for nothing and for the 'happy couple' to do whatever they want without any consideration for the children.
Of course it's ridiculous that he wants to introduce them at this stage but he won't take a blind bit of notice of any concerns that you might have, and expressing those concerns tips you into bitter/psych/jealous Ex.

The best advice I can give you is to remain as the solid, dependable foundation for your babies. Don't wear yourself out with battling these people and keep yourself strong for what lies ahead and what you need to do to support your children.

[overtheraenbow]

I am in a similar position to you left . I posted last week asking the same question and some others on this post shared their stories and experiences with me.
In the end I sent him an email saying I was uncomfortable with him introducing such a new partner to the chn but that I trusted he would only do what was in their best interests aNd emotional well being and welfare. I know it probably won't make a bit of difference to what he does but at least if the kids ever ask me why I didn't stop him in the future I can put my hand on heart and say I did my best !!
I mentioned to my solicitor and she said if it was a new relationship I was entitled to object if ' the children have expressed reservations to a meeting' my son told me ' I don't want to meet her'. I've not told him that yet he has not acknowledged the email till just now and told me he'll respond tomorrow!

[leftfootrightfoot]

Bloody men, how can they be so blind to the probs they are causing, H really thinks it will help our kids???!!!! I think its because her kids are meeting him, but their Dad (who they have stayed with) really is using kids as part of his game to try and get her back or cause them to split so is sending kids to meet them as he has told them my H is a bad man etc etc so he is trying to cause probs, but my daft H can't see it

[Loulybelle]

He doesnt think about the kids at all, hes only trying to validate their relationship, by claiming they can make a big happy family. If none of the children are happy with this new ideal, then they have to face the reality of what their affair has done. Dealing with hurt kids wont be fun.