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Relationships

Is this me going slightly nuts here

51 replies

BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 19:14

dh wants to do one of these 5/6 day walks across the country and wild camp for all of it. He knows Im not thrilled by the wild camping bit, however Ive being exluded yet again from being asked to do this walk with him (this has happened before) he has asked everyone and his dog! if they want to do this walk with him including some female out of the office! who he as now added on fb.

We have had huge arguments over this walk as I feel left out and hurt, he says that Im not fit enough to do this walk, however this female has never walked with him so he no idea how fit she is and how fast she walks, and the same for other people he has asked too, this walk will have to be done to a timescale so I can understand that he would be concerned that I would be slower than him, which I am! but it would be a nice walk to do together I feel. He obviously feels differently.

He denies that he does not want me to go but would rather go with some other random person, however this is not the impression Im getting. I am so angry with him.

I have suggested that our son goes but he not keen on that either!

This is not the first time this has occured either on that occasion it was just a very big mountain, I stuck to my guns and did prove to him that I could do it, I was very knackered though!

I have tried to get him to compromise and said I will wild camp some of if we can have a proper bed in the middle of the walk but he not interested says he wants to wild camp and this walk somthing he wants to do.

He has done this before we started going to a club for kayaking he refused to work with me and said he was at a different stage he was only slightly at different stage and could of worked with me, but chose not too, was even suggesting that on days out he could go with one group and me with another thrilling for me eh! Seems to be a pattern emerging here doesnt there or am I going slightly mad here.. this was another argument he refused to see why I felt so hurt and refuses to see that couples who play together stay together.

Incidently we have spent many happy hours walking hills in the past together I must add here, so I am at a loss what has suddenly changed, yes me, maybe not as fit but I still enjoy his company and a good walk. I am so hurt by all this and feel like he really messing with my head.

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Hassled · 13/04/2013 19:19

"couples who play together stay together" - really? Is that always true? Couldn't it also be said that couples who have a bit of space from each other and the independance to do their own thing learn to value each other more and so develop a stronger relationship?

Does he get other time on his own apart from work?

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ParsleyTheLioness · 13/04/2013 20:28

Is there more to this? Is it typical, or a one-off?

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GibberTheMonkey · 13/04/2013 20:55

Is there more to this?
If not I don't get why you're complaining. He wants to do something, you don't, so he's making plans to do it with someone else.

Btw I love the sound of what he wants to do but my dh would hate it so I have to find someone else for such adventures too

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 21:36

I have never said I don't want to do this walk..I like walking always have..and yes there is more to this he has lied so much in the past its hard not to think there is more to this and sorry if I just sound like a whinging wife I'm really not. Just a fed up wife who wants to be wanted, needed an loved..

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NorksAreMessy · 13/04/2013 21:38

this isn't about the walk really, is it?
Keep talking...

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cjel · 13/04/2013 21:38

If you feel left out and hes not listening to you then I'd think he is messing with your head.Sounds like every time you make a suggestion he knocks it back I'd want serious discussion as to why he thinks so little of you.

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LadyMountbatten · 13/04/2013 21:39

Why do you insist on edging into all his hobbies?

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 21:47

He has a history of doing stupid stuff I really should not have put up with..but I dI'd thinking we could move on and learn from mistakes, I have learnt while he does not seem to have learned anything. It just seems to be going down the wrong path yet again..I've tried so hard.
Yes he has gone walking on his own getting up very early an going up a big hill some where so has had the opportunity to be on his own, not very often though.

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 21:53

Not edging into his hobbies this is mutual hobbies we have normally shared for past twenty years..I've tried discussion Cjel he won't give me the reason why I've been excluded and just turns it around and brings up stuff from the past to throw in my face, its just a complete head messing game this..just feel exhausted by it all..

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SanityClause · 13/04/2013 21:56

Hmm, sometimes it's nice to do different things from each other.

DH has a sporting hobby that I don't share. He goes away for up to a week at a time a couple of times a year. I have no problem with that.

When we have been skiing in the past, sometimes I have wanted to join a class. He is better than I am, so we would be in different classes. It's actually quite fun to be in a different class for the morning, and meet up later.

I don't think he should try to stop you from going, but, TBH, I'm not really sure why you want to go. It's his thing - let him do it.

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cjel · 13/04/2013 21:56

You sound really worn down, sorry you are feeling this,it definitely feels more than you edging in all his hobbies. He is trying to invite anyone else he can except your family and I'd be upset as well. What do you think your options are if he can't understand your feelings?

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dontyouwantmebaby · 13/04/2013 22:09

OP - i totally hear what you are saying! I'd feel upset and exhausted by it all too. It clearly isn't just about the walk (as someone says above).

Whilst I'm all for having separate hobbies/interests etc within a relationship (in fact I think this is healthy, necessary in some cases), it does sound like he is shutting you out here. In fact, I think he is being a total arse esp as its a hobby that you both do (and not something specific to him iyswim)!

Don't let him mess with your head (easier said than done I know). Am tempted to say play him at his own game, see how he likes it. Unfortunately that doesn't solve anything, does it.

Have you talked to him about how excluded you feel and questioned him about why his behaviour has changed? Also, why is it not okay for your son to accompany him on this trip?

So he's taking 5/6 days to do this walk and wild camping (despite your not unreasonable suggestion of a compromise e.g. staying in hotel too).

When exactly is he going to spend 5/6 days doing something with you I wonder? You both need to talk. Don't let him fob you off.

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 22:11

I really don't know what to think anymore I've just been so hurt by him, this is just yet another piece of my heart torn away..I just want to be told the truth, I also don't want to be the little woman who sits at home waiting for him to come home, this is what he wants, he has been very jealous of any relationships I have had with friends this was just going out for a coffee friends.....I realize I've just got to either put up or shut up here....

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dontyouwantmebaby · 13/04/2013 22:21

no you don't have to just put up or shut up. why do you think that's your only option?

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 22:24

don'tyouwantme.....He has done everything to talk our son out of going, I'm very suspicious that there is more to this. I spent two hours in the car crying this week trying to get my head around this, and if I want to spend the rest of my life fighting for my marriage, which is what I have done for a long time..I just feel so sad that he obviously feels this way, I've tried talking he wont, and is not protesting his innocence enough, which is exactly what he has always done. Just not getting any answers other than he really wants to do this walk. So would I! People do this walk with their 12 old kids, which is why I suggested our son if he dI'd not want me to go...

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cjel · 13/04/2013 22:30

That phrase 'another piece of my heart torn away' just made me feel sick.I feel so sad for you. When I was with my XDH (of 30yrs) I remember the feeling of finding out he'd arranged a hobby weekend with mates ( and he had several hobbies that he went away for) and would be told after it was booked and I remember that ripping feeling. If you are feeling like that and don't think he will listen do you want to keep on trying?I am less lonely without him than I was being constantly told about his plans and running round getting kits/passports/food at the right time etc.It sounds as if you are at the end of your tether thats for sure. There is another option than just put up or shut up. I had counselling and realised my marriage wasn't right and decided I would build the life I wanted and if we were together at the end of it that was good and if we weren't then that was good as well. We are not!!

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VitoCorleone · 13/04/2013 22:32

Im getting the feeling that you're uneasy about the woman who's going and think thats why he doesnt want your son going and 'spying' on him?

Could be wrong but thats what im reading

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cjel · 13/04/2013 22:34

that would make sense of why you feel so low about it, and why you feel your heart is being ripped out?

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/04/2013 22:38

You feel like you are fighting for your marriage, but from what you say, it seems he isnt. Maybe he wants space. But if thats the case then whats wrong with just saying that?

It sounds like he just doesnt care how you might feel. Hes being very self centered.

Put up or shut up is absolutely not what you should do. You arent happy. Do what you need to do to be happy. If that means leaving him, then you need to begin coming to terms with that.

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 22:41

Cjel thsts so sad I guess that's what. I'm afraid of, we have worked so hard to get to this point in our lives, we should be enjoying it now. We have come through so much..viti he says she isn't going now as I've argued about it....so am wondering if I had not said anything this person who he dI'd not know how fit she was, he was happy for her to go an others from work, its just not making sense..

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MadBusLady · 13/04/2013 22:44

What kinds of things has he lied about in the past?

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 22:45

Wanna I've said this to him, re admitting he just want to go on his own but again no response..and if that the case why ask everyone an his dog if they want to go?

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NorksAreMessy · 13/04/2013 22:50

What else is going on with him?

What are YOUR hobbies, interests, lifelines?

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wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/04/2013 22:50

I am inclined to think its some form of control. A message to you that he can and will do as he pleases. You say he doesnt like you having friends. Thats a red flag.

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BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 22:52

Madbuslady I would be here all night and some of it may out me in rl. My heart was well and truly broken at a time when I needed him, my fault for putting him on a pedestal..never again, it's left me not able to trust anyone. I have known him since I was 15 and probably lent and relied on him for emotional support as was problems at home with my mum an other family members..

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