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DP turned on me last night, horrible, drunk and aggressive (long)(129 Posts)
Basically DS2 (special needs, adhd, aged 12) came home from school full of attitude, ended up arguing with DP, it all blew out of proportion and went too far, DS bolted out of the front door, DP went after him and ended up falling cutting open his hands, legs and hip - result - lots of tension and a very tense and unhappy household.
But DP and I went out as planned (later when he'd had time to cool off and the house was calmer). Went for a meal (lovely) and then met up with friends for a drink in a local pub. everyone having a good time but DP is getting drunker and drunker and by the time we leave the pub for the club, he's switched from lager to whisky - a drink we know turns him aggressive and argumentative. But I watch him carefully, all is ok ... he's having a good time, laughing and joking, dancing, hugging and kissing me - everything seemed fine. Then later on, I'm tipsy too (but he's really drunk by now) I notice he's looking grumpy so I pull the sides of his mouth up into a smile - we always do this to each other and it normally results in the grumpy party laughing and cheering up. This is exactly what happened. He laughed, started pulling daft faces and making "kissing" faces, we were like a couple of teenagers in the dark corners of the club laughing and giggling with one another, he was also poking and prodding my face. All very normal.
Then all of a sudden he turned on me. I can't pin point what made him snap but one minute he was fine and then a split second later he was livid, told me he'd pull whatever face he wanted to pull and that he WAS having a great time until I started "pissing about" with his face. He said he wanted to go home. A little shocked I told everyone we were leaving and we left. In the taxi we didn't speak a word to one another. When we got home he verbally laid into me saying I disrespect him, treat him like shit, obviously hate him and think he's a wanker and he doesn't know why the fuck he bothers with me because I make his life a misery and he's had enough we've had NO arguments or disagreements at all lately so this was totally out of the blue. He goes on to say that if his late father could see him now, he'd be crying at the way his son's life had turned out and the family he'd ended up with . He starts acting really bizare, makes me a cup of tea and then shouts at me for drinking it saying "what the fuck are you drinking that for?? you hate me remember, fucking put it down!" and then I look at him as he's raging at me and he shouts "don't you fucking look at me!! you couldn't stand to look at me a minute ago so don't you fucking look at me now!" When I speak he starts mimicking me like a school boy, he laughed when he could see he was upsetting me and said "oh don't worry, you'll find somebody else, you'd find some other wanker who'll put up with your shit and your fun house kids - infact, why not go back to the fucking club and grab one of those blokes you were looking at in there?" (not the first time he's accused me of this).
In the end he storms off upstairs saying "don't worry, I'll fuck off in the morning and you'll never see me again".
As I'm getting in bed I accidently touch him slightly and he shouts "what the fuck are you touching me for??? I'm a fucking wanker remember! you fucking hate me remember! don't fucking touch me now!" by this point I'm actually getting a bit concerned and gently put my hand on his shoulder and said quietly, nicely and calmly "D***, please calm down - I don't know what has made you so angry but you're really upsetting me, we never talk to each other like this" he replies with "Oh!! I'm upsetting you am I!! oh dear, I'm sorry, what a bastard I am, I'm upsetting you! oh my god! you're upset!" and then laughs. I said "this is really out of character for you, I'll talk to you when you sober up" he then grabs my hand, pushes it away from him and turns to me saying "get away from me, go on, turn over" and starts trying to push me over. I shout "just stop it now, you're starting to hurt me" and he laughs and shouts "oh come on! fucking hell I better call the police on myself then" and starts a ridiculous routine of him on the phone to the police.
Eventually I snap and say "how old are you? jesus you're acting like a 7 year old. Just go to sleep". He replies "yes I will do, and in the morning I'm fucking off and I can't wait to be rid of you". I cave and start to cry. He shouts "oh fucking hell here we go, don't be fucking crying all night! don't know why you're so bothered anyway, you hate me and I've never loved you anyway" He then starts prodding at me saying "stop crying, stop it" etc etc.
Eventually I drop off to sleep. This morning I wake up thinking "jesus, that was a side to him I never want to see again! wonder what he'll think when he sobers up!" - he wakes up - sober - stares at me for a few minutes and then says "you want me to fuck off now do you?" - Only when I go along with it and say "yes, it's probably best that you leave" does he go back on it saying he can't leave as he loves me too much etc etc. He doesn't apologise but makes excuses saying he'd had a shit day and I was slagging him off too (untrue).
Around lunch time today he finally comes over to me, puts his arms around me and says "I'm so sorry about last night, I was a complete prick and I'm so sorry I hurt and upset you".
We've been together just over a year. I'm in total shock at his behaviour.
Jesus. So he was hammered but he still remembers everything from last night?
However, I notice also that he has accused you of fancying other blokes before - when not drunk? (or not drunk on whisky?) So there is a pattern of behaviour, this hasn't come out of nowhere, even if it feels like it.
It wasn't until the very end of your post that you mentioned he is not your ds2's dad. Why didn't you intervene if they were rowing? Esp as he is a relatively new partner / not really a step-dad at this stage?
Do not beg him to stay. I think that's what he wants his empty threats to leave to achieve. Personally I'd tell anyone who'd spoken about my kids that way - drunk or sober - to fuck off out of my house and never come back. I'd suggest he leaves for a couple of days to give you both some breathing and thinking space. 'I can't leave because I love you too much' is the biggest load of bullshit imaginable.
How are you feeling today?
He doesn't sound like he wants to be in this relationship OP.. in vino veritas etc, and there is definitely an issue there between him and your child.. fun house kids indeed. I would have told him to eff off right there and then.
Sounds like this will get worse, not better.
That's terrible but you've only been together a year, I'm not trying to trivialise your relationship but I would make him leave. I wouldnt want that around my DC and he was vile, that is such a breach of trust, I couldn't forgive him.
If he remembers everything then he wasnt as drunk as he appeared.
"Fun house kids" I presume is a nasty insult to your son, and that alone is a deal breaker.
Pack his bags and get him out. He should not be around you or your children ever again.
He doesnt get a choice over leaving, not after last night. Oh and by the way, if you dont kick him to kerb over this he WILL do it again because he will know that you will take it. It will get worse. This time it was verbal, next time it could (and probably will) get physical.
Take it from one who knows Protect yourself and your kids and get this fucker out.
I have no idea what 'fun house kids' mean but if it was some sort of insult I would kick him out without a second thought.
Good advice above. I'm not sure what to suggest but just wanted to say I hope you are OK. That sounds like absolutely horrible behaviour and if he's really genuinely ashamed of himself then he'll give you the space you need to think about things.
I would kick him to the kerb as of now.
How long have you been living together btw; did he move into your house?. Think you are now seeing his true colours, abusive types are usually on their best behaviour for a few months but the mask soon slips and their façade cannot be maintained.
"Fun House kids" indeed, all of it is vile on his part. He chose also to get as pissed as a fart, no-one forced drink upon him.
You already know what drink sends him off on one, he insulted your DC, he has gas lighted you, physically pushed you and accused you of looking at other men. You have been together only a year? He will do this again and he has already clearly given several red flags. You don't need any other reasons to end it than any single one of the above OP. I'm in a physical and EA marriage and I would say get out now whilst its easier to walk away.
Another thing that is playing on my mind is that he once told me his ex wife wrote down on the divorce partition thing that he was controlling, suddenly turns against people and that he was violent. He said this was all said and agreed on for a quick divorce but I've seen some of it in him. He's accused me on a few occasions now of "looking at other men", he does suddenly turn on people (seen that a few times now, not just with me but with others too) and he can be controlling, demanding that everything should be his way as his way is the right way sort of thing (not as obvious as that but you get the gist.). He's never been violent but last night he did start to get a little physical, pushing my hand, trying to push me over in bed and prodding me when I was crying.
what bogey said. immediate effect. sorry op it must be very hard.
Oh dear. What's horrible, horrible man. Nothing can excuse his behaviour. Seems like he's finally shown his true colours.
Hope you can be strong enough to end it.
I agree with everything upthread. I would accept his offer of him fucking off and get him fucked off as soon as possible. I have a feeling if he stays he will say and do a lot worse.
And his comment about "fun house kids" is disgusting! He is an utter cunt.
he sounds rather like my dad used to, before my mum divorced him.
Your last posts has an awful lot of red flags re him in it as well.
A good man wouldn't agree to have domestic abuse cited in his divorce just to get it over and done with. He would fight it with integrity and would be appalled to have his name associated with it.
Your DP is escalating his abuse OP. You don't owe this man anything. Why was he chasing your 12 year old out of the door?
Get him out of your house now.
I read this thinking you'd been togetehr for years ane he was your DS's dad.
Only a year? He is telling you who he really is. LIsten to him. He's been on best behaviour until now.
Your DS bolting out of teh house and him chasing after him like that has mad emy blood run cold.
PLease, please get rid of him. He's an abuser.
' and by the time we leave the pub for the club, he's switched from lager to whisky - a drink we know turns him aggressive and argumentative.'
how long have you known this and been excusing it?
It's game over isn't it? He is aggressive, vile and confrontational with your ASD DS which should be enough to call time. The rest of his awful, abusive behaviour just confirms it.
Yes its not the whiskey its him this is who he really is.
Agree with all thats been said.
Your son had to leave his home because of this prick. This cannot continue.
He is a cruel man using the drink to show his true colours.
If you let him stay, next time he drinks you will be frightened about what may happen.
Suppose he "turns" on the kids?
And no drink has the power to turn anyone aggressive. They may become aggressive after drinking but it is still the individual who is aggressive, not the alcohol.
and if you agree that he can stay after having behaved like that, that's the go ahead for him to do it again. HE WILL ESCALATE
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