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Why Do I attract married/taken men?

(13 Posts)
OnlyEver Sat 13-Apr-13 18:43:14

NC for obvious reasons.

I have to start by saying I have no Samantha Brick style delusions. I am short, overweight and not in anyway memorable in the looks department. I'm not exactly the life and soul of the party in the personality department either. I know and accept these things about myself.

I am a single parent. Have been from quite a young age. I don't really date and rarely feel the need to meet someone - I quite like my own company to be honest antisocial.

Over the last 12 years I have been approached by married or attached men on a few occasions. A couple have been friends partners. I don't think I've ever done anything to encourage it and every time I have responded in a clear "Not on your life" way. Sometimes they would suggest hooking up etc again once or twice but a quick threat to tell their partners stopped this and I would then pull myself out of the friendships.

Only once have I felt something for one of the guys approaching me. I was flattered and excited but could not go any further out of principle.

Over the last few months a married man has propositioned me many times. He started out with a few flirty remarks on nights out. He has sent me a few flirty messages on facebook and I've laughed it off, joked about him being a dirty old man etc. When out in a group a couple of weeks ago he stroked my leg under the table, pushed up against me on the dance floor, groped me and asked if he could come to my house one evening. I have said no no no and pulled away like before.

He, like the others, has made it very clear that he wants me for one thing only. It's really starting to get me down.

Why am I only ever good for some dirty little fling?

What signals am I giving off? Honestly, I'm quite shy. I never wear revealing clothes. I don't consider myself attractive really. In a roomful of people I am the quiet one.

Once one of the guys said there was something "hidden and deeply sexual" about me but what? I enjoy sex as part of an emotionally connected relationship. I've never been ok with the idea of casual sex of one night stands. I just cannot figure out how to act differently to stop this?

Apart from the way it's destroying my friendships it's also destroying my self worth. I want someone to love me. Someone who wants to spend time getting to know me. Not some dirty little secret screw.

Is there a type of women who gives off these vibes do you think? What kind of things would make someone think this?

I'm sorry this is long and rambly - it's just really getting to me know and I don't know what to do?

MsWinnieBaygo Sat 13-Apr-13 19:13:31

I've found myself in the same situation a few times and whilst I'm certain that I'm not in anyway flirtatious I did ask myself if I was giving off certain vibes. I even discussed it at my counselling session last week. Basically, it is no reflection on you - some men are just chancers especially if they view you as being vulnerable. You may not be vulnerable but they might think you are due to your situation ifswim.

I've stopped viewing it as a reflection on myself and view it purely as a reflection on the type of lowlife they are.

Gingerandhibiscus Sat 13-Apr-13 19:17:29

I am single too and I wonder if there is less at stake when you initially chat to a man who is taken. YOu don't feel that intense pressure that every word matters, YOu arent trying to show how funny and good humoured you are. It's just more relaxed, initially, and then maybe you realise that you crossed a line between chatting and it became flirting.

I don't know what to say to you though. I have only had one relationship since I left my x. He was divorced. But I tend to avoid taken men. I'm terrified of chit chat with married men incase people think the worst of me.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. Are you afraid of getting out there and internet dating? looking for a needle in a haystack (a good man in a sea of internet perves!)

What that guy said to you that there's something 'hidden and deeply sexual' about you - that is bollix and you need to recognise it as bollix. All women are sexual. By telling you that he sees you as sexual he is fishing. You will either respond with a crisp 'well my sexuality has nothing to do with random married man" or, you'll respond in a way that lets him know you're flattered. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he's looked inside you and seen the real you.

jynier Sat 13-Apr-13 19:18:30

OnlyEver - It's not you; it's them! There are some men who see a single woman as a sitting target who must be desperate for sex. Doesn't matter that they are already in a relationship; they'll act as if they are doing you a favour!

Some years ago, my son and I were very friendly with a local couple who had been married for years. The wife had been wonderfully supportive when my son had been subjected to a series of attacks, both physical and verbal.

Her husband turned up at my flat saying (completely out of the blue!) that he needed some love and affection. Sent him off with a flea in his ear! Next day, saw my DS and he said, "Guess who turned up at my house last night asking for a hug?" Needless, to say, it was the same person who had called round to me. What a twunt! I threatened to tell his W (I wouldn't have done as I would not have wished to cause her any distress) and you should have seen him grovel!!!

Don't beat yourself up about these idiots, OnlyEver! Best wishes!

OnlyEver Sat 13-Apr-13 19:33:40

Thanks for the replies.

If it was once or twice I'd probably doubt myself less I guess.

I have spent so long going over the things I've said and done looking for clues and I can honestly say I don't think I am openly flirty. I see what you are saying Mswinnie but I don't thin I'm very relaxed at all. It takes me quite a while to get chatty with someone.

I'm just fed up with it all and it's making me feel like staying in the house and never maing or seeing friends when I so rarely do it anyway.

jynier Sat 13-Apr-13 19:49:21

Should have said that I've lost count of the number of married men who approached me for sex when I was single; some of them were the husbands of friends! They acted as if they would be doing me a favour!!!

Don't worry that there is something wrong with you, "OnlyEver." There isn't!!! Be proud of yourself for preserving your dignity and self-respect and be thankful that you are not involved with any of the slimy b******s!

Good luck!

Gingerandhibiscus Sat 13-Apr-13 20:58:32

I think I can spot the type now... considers himself quite charismatic, looks at his long suffering wife feels a bit sorry for himself because he thinks he could have done better than (ha) , certainly that is the type who had the gall to ask me how long it was since I'd had sex.

Years earlier, an engaged man came on to me and had the nerve to be offended and cross with me for turning him down. Did I think I was too good for him? I explained as diplomatically as I could (geez the effort required) that as he was in a relationship he did not have the right to get angry with me for not finding him attractive and 2) not colluding with deceiving his fiancee. Tosser.

jynier Sun 21-Apr-13 04:35:55

Can't sleep; did you come to a conclusion, OnlyEver?

TheNorthWitch Sun 21-Apr-13 15:33:06

OP you seem quite disparaging about your looks and personality is it possible that these men are getting the message that you don't think you are attractive and therefore might be an easy target? Some men think they are god's gift and that they would be doing (what they perceive as) a less attractive woman a favour by giving her one!

BerylStreep Sun 21-Apr-13 15:53:06

NorthWitch may have a point - I think sleazy guys try to target people who they perceive have low self-esteem. Not saying this applies to you - but perhaps worth thinking about?

Also, the scenario you describe where the guy stroked your leg, then pushed against you etc - do you think you are perhaps being too polite in rebuffing the advances? I know you shouldn't have to, but maybe you need to be a bit more forceful in saying no. Why is this guy still even a friend on Facebook, why are you in his company, why even dancing with him?

I am aware as I write this, that it sounds a bit like blaming you for the situation - I'm not.

I work in a very male dominated environment, and you can always spot the sleaze balls a mile off. They are the ones who will ask if you have a boyfriend, are you seeing anyone etc.

kickassangel Sun 21-Apr-13 15:58:21

Op, it's not you, it's them.

That guy who made unwanted physical contact, that's an abuser right there. He doesn't see you or his wife as real people, more like cars waiting to be taken for a ride. As far as he's concerned, a single woman is available for a test drive. You saying no is as bemusing and ridiculous to him as a car saying no. He then gets frustrated and angry. Just like I mutter stupid computer when I hit the wrong key, he then tells you that you're stupid, because you should just be sitting around waiting for him.

The only thing that you have done wrong is to exist, and act like a human instead of an object. Don't give him a second thought. Mark him down as tosser, and stick to your guns.

Remember, it is him not you. Just because more than one man has acted like this, just shows the extent of tossers who think themselves entitled. Don't worry about how you dress or talk, you said no, you meant no, the rest was him being an asshole.

dondon33 Sun 21-Apr-13 16:48:31

It's not you it's them < Yeah! this!

Don't blame yourself for it and it's certainly not just quiet Women who fall prey to wankers.

I've had my fair share of pricks, married and attached, offering their services (including those of friends and acquaintances/EXpartners friends angry )

I'm a confident, warm , friendly person and I'm sometimes loud and gobby, I'll talk to anyone and everyone, I like a good laugh and I often find vulgar things amusing - if I go out I'll wear what I want and don't give 2 thoughts to what men may or may not think. I'm reasonably attractive, I don't inadvertently flirt with people, only those with whom I mean to, I can speak about football all day long and I like boxing (slightly irrelevant but hope you get where I'm going) smile -

NONE of the above gives any man the right, the signal or the message that they can hit on me but you wouldn't believe how many times guys have 'connected' to something about me that's made them think 'oh she's up for it' - I've had my boobs grabbed in clubs and kindly paid back the gesture with a knee to the groin, slapped face or drink thrown over them, and the attached guys are firmly told to piss off or I'll tell, with an added 'Oh don't tell me, you're not getting any at home? my heart bleeds' - in 99% of cases it's worked and they don't dare say anything more however I've had to inform a friend's friend of her Dh's antics because he seen me as some sort of challenge and wouldn't let it drop - she eventually left him as I wasn't his first attempt of extra marital, nor his last - but I done the right thing in telling her, she agreed.

It really pisses me off that some men think they're actually doing you a favour in offering themselves like some kind of perverted good samaritan but in reality they're no better than randy dogs - only thinking with their dicks.

dondon33 Sun 21-Apr-13 16:52:31

My whole point before my ramble blush
I don't care what any man thinks, I certainly won't change myself in order to stop this from happening because it wouldn't anyway - I'd probably just get a different type of arsehole trying it on.

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