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What is 'normal' access for the ex after a split with small kids?

(119 Posts)
4some Sat 13-Apr-13 16:26:33

I am proposing the below for our 4 small kids (6, 4, 2 and 11 months). DH wants more (he wants 13 days a month) with a weekend 'off' every month. I said that's too much/too bitty. His plan would see them back and forth for odd nights here and there during school week which is my main concern.

I propose:

Week 1 Fri, Sat nigths with dad
Week 2 Sat, Sun nights with dad
Week 3 Fri, Sat nights with dad
Week 4 Sat Sun nights with dad.

If it went to court would they think my proposal is fair, or his bitty proposal with him getting a weekend off every month?

forevergreek Sat 13-Apr-13 16:28:58

'normal' should be 50% really. So 3.5 days a week at each

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 16:29:01

I think that you'll find even the most undeserving twunt needs one weekend free a month to go away or whatever.

Maybe suggest the 4th weekend is Sunday/Monday night?

Portofino Sat 13-Apr-13 16:29:32

I think it sounds a bit crap to be honest. That means you get lovely clear weekends and he never gets a weekend off.

wonderingsoul Sat 13-Apr-13 16:29:42

i would say he has them 3 weekends and you one weekebnd would be fair, with maybe a midweek over night..say wednesday he picks them up from school and takes them back thursday to school. with your plan you dont seem to get any time with them at all at the weekend

samsonthecat Sat 13-Apr-13 16:29:55

Why does he get every weekend? That means you get all the hard work and none of the fun. My exh has the dc every other weekend. He used to have them one week night but now works away in the week so can't.

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 16:31:04

My ex has them every Tuesday night & every other full weekend friday to Monday

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 13-Apr-13 16:31:08

What porto said, doesn't seem fair.

Portofino Sat 13-Apr-13 16:31:22

13 days a month split into reasonable chunks sounds better.

wonderingsoul Sat 13-Apr-13 16:33:27

or every other weekend from friday to sunday with a midweek night as well

ima lone parent, and feel like iv been robbed of any weekend breaks as the ex doesnt see them at all. so id count your self *lucky h e wants to keep in contact with them. [sigh]

* by lucky i mean.. he doesnt deserve a medal or anything.. and it doesnt make him farther of the year.. but alot of dad fuck off comepletly so hes not being a toatlat twat.

Portofino Sat 13-Apr-13 16:33:50

Wondering soul, I guess with 4 kids, an empty weekend would a blissful thing wink

TimeIsACurrency Sat 13-Apr-13 16:33:51

Most of the single mums I know, the mum is the resident parent and the Dad has the kids every other weekend. IME though these are families where the Dads have not applied for any more contact.

In the one split family I know where the Dad was not happy with that kind of access, they split 50/50 custody and that works great for them.

Can you not try and work something out so that you can share custody more evenly? Do you live far apart?

forevergreek Sat 13-Apr-13 16:33:53

And weekend wise 50%. So every other weekend, otherwise you get every weekend free!

Maybe:
Week 1 mon, tues, weds
Week 2 thurs fri sat
Repeat

Depending on weeks it will mean either a one day gap with just sun with one of you, or 7 day gap

wonderingsoul Sat 13-Apr-13 16:38:13

i would chew of my own arm for ONE weekend off grin

4some Sat 13-Apr-13 16:38:20

Yes but folks the kids are SO young. How do you think he's going to collect 4 kids from 3 schools at 5/6pm and it not be disturbing for them? I see your points re weekends but when you are a parent you don't get weekends off surely!

4some Sat 13-Apr-13 16:39:23

You have to remember it's about what's best for THEM not who gets 50% etc.

wonderingsoul Sat 13-Apr-13 16:39:57

how do YOU collect them?

it will prob be odd to start with but they get used to it.

TimeIsACurrency Sat 13-Apr-13 16:40:42

The same way you would collect 4 kids from 3 schools? confused Are you a SAHM and he's working outside of the home? Not being bitchy just honestly I don't see why it's different for him.

MissAnnersley Sat 13-Apr-13 16:41:04

I think it would depend on a few things. However every weekend is not a good solution.

If the children are very young, little and often would probably be the best fit. In other words - short periods of time but regularly.

As the children get older it would change. But the last thing you want is the children having too long between seeing their father and then becoming distressed.

4some Sat 13-Apr-13 16:41:21

I collect them easily because I'm a SAHM...

Interesting to hear all your points though smile

4some Sat 13-Apr-13 16:42:54

Yes he works office hours. When we were married he was home after 8pm at least 3 nights a week and the other 2 was 7pm.

TimeIsACurrency Sat 13-Apr-13 16:42:58

Can you do Weds-Weds or something?
Then you both get some weekends off, and the kids only spend a couple of afternoons a week in after school childcare before your ex collects them?

wonderingsoul Sat 13-Apr-13 16:43:00

well i am sure he could figure it out, even if it means he picks them up at yours straight after he finsihs work.

MissAnnersley Sat 13-Apr-13 16:43:56

What is his proposal OP?

forevergreek Sat 13-Apr-13 16:46:35

Surely I he has them say every wed and thurs for example, but works until 6pm, then he has to make arrangements like any other 'single' parent would. So pay for after school club/ a nanny etc..

Then it gives you the same opportunity to work also if you want as half the weekdays covered by him, and half you.

Unless you have a breastfeeding baby, I don't see why a mother is always best. And I say this as a mother.

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