I don't like myself

[BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail]

I was going to say 'hate', but that's a very strong word and I'm not quite there yet but could be.

I apologise if I end up rambling but I'm using this as an opportunity to have a bit of a verbal vomit.

I'm lazy, selfish, angry, impatient. I judge people and then end up doing the same thing myself which makes me a huge hypocrite. I'm a terrible mother; I avoid playing with DD when she really wants me to, I get cross with her far too easily. I put across a completely false version of myself to fit in/make people like me. I like the version other people see (mostly) but then I get home and everything goes back to crap and negative and the 'real' me comes back out again

I find it almost impossible to motivate myself. My house is in a constant state of chaos and dust which I hate, but I also hate cleaning.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just wish I were different.

[Mum2Fergus]

The only thing stopping you being who you want to be is you. Have you always been/felt like this, or has something happened to trigger your current thoughts and behaviours?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There are lots of 'fixes' that you could apply there. For a chaotic dusty house I find paying a cleaner to come in once a week keeps it civilised, for example. If you're hypocritical & shallow that just makes you supremely human and beautifully flawed :) If you feel unmotivated, irritable, negative and generally 'CBA' then have you thought about seeing a doctor, getting checked out physically and seeing if they have any suggestions to improve your mood and energy levels? I've recently decided I need to shift some middle-age spread, have been eating better/less and going for brisk walks and I'm impressed at how much more positive I feel generally. If a simple tweak to diet and exercise helped me, it might help you.

Sadly, wishing is rather a futile exercise. Trying to fix every problem at once can be so overwhelming that you end up doing nothing. Pick something small that you can easily accomplish and you can build on it.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

I do believe we can choose who we want to be, have also felt like how you feel. I made a plan to do something nice with dc once a day (like bedtime story or bake or go on website games basically something that made me interact with them) and one family thing once a week like a takeaway and a film. Didn't always manage it but our Friday night film night has stuck.

[BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail]

Hi again.
I want to respond to everything you've all said, and I'm grateful for your comments, but everything I feel like saying in response is negative.

I know I'm not like this all the time. Maybe it's just because it's been a difficult week and I've just got my period. I know there can be days when I'm 'nice' and positive and not a bad person, but there just seem to be too many days when I feel like this.

I'm on my own with DD and I don't work so we're in each other's company virtually all the time and sometimes it's just too much. She goes to pre-school twice a week so I can do some volunteering but she's had two weeks off and it's been hard work.

We've got a dog as well so that gets us out for fresh air and walks. I'm so fed up with the cold and rain though. It's pissing it down now and I just can't get the energy or motivation to get him (and a reluctant DD) out for a walk. I just want to go back to bed. This is where I get snappy because I hate myself for being so shit and I take it out on everyone else.

I saw a friend yesterday. She's one of the most positive, calm, easy going people I know and (totally without meaning to) she makes me feel like such a failure.

I'm going to the doctor's on Tuesday to get a new prescription for my pill. I've noticed my pmt has been much worse since I've been on this one so I wonder if a different one would help.

Sorry. I'm going to shut up now and just get on with it.

[swallowedAfly]

ok - that last post puts it into context somewhat.

you're in the really hard bit now and i can only promise you it gets easier. how old is dd? that'll help me pin down exactly where you're at and what's coming up next

i was at home on my own with ds until he started school. it's a long old stretch and it begins to feel like it has gone on forever and will always be the same.

[swallowedAfly]

oh and superstrength agnus castus for pmt - seriously! i've gone from horrendous pmt and epically long cycles to next to no pmt and normalish length cycles. can link you to a good make that is reasonably priced if you're interested.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... a lot of us would have got irritable and felt like a failure if we'd been stuck at home with a baby all day and under any pressure (imposed or self-imposed) to keep the place spotless. Would getting a job help at all?

[Wannabestepfordwife]

Op you sounded exhausted being sole carer to your dd must be exhausting and you sound like you need some me time. Do you have any family or friends who could have dd so you can have a break.

With cleaning I try to bits in designated slots like I do dishes and bathroom before I take dd out in morning then dusting and vacuum upstairs early afternoon then Hoover downstairs after dd goes to bed. I find breaking it up helps I get really panicky and unmotivated if I feel I have loads to do.

With regards to your friend she probably feels the same as you

[BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail]

Hello again and thank you for further responses. DD will be three in two weeks. Having her at pre-school twice a week helps, and I really enjoy my volunteering. It sounds awful, but I'm terrified of working at the moment, mainly for financial reasons, but also because I have a very low coping mechanism and I'm terrified of not being able to balance work, DD and the dog. Plus childcare is so so limited around here that even if I did get a job, it would be near impossible to find the right hours. My family aren't local.

I'm very aware of how negative I'm sounding. I'm fairly certain (actually, bloody hopeful) that it's a time of the month thing. I'm also really hoping that I can get a different pill on Tuesday. I've been feeling so bloody low on this one.

Thank you again

[Mumsyblouse]

BigGiantCow you are feeling really negative, but I think with good reason! Staying in with a three year old in this terrible weather does test your patience, I don't love getting down on the floor and playing with my children either, but I don't thknk that makes me a bad parent.

I would say a couple of things: aim for being 'good enough' mum, not perfect mum, you can't be perfect and won't always want to do what a three year old is doing all the time, so if your dd goes to bed having had nice food, kept safe, some cuddles and nothing terrible has happened, then that's a 'good enough' day. You can be Supermum on another day.

Also you probably look together to your friends, so your friend may be experiencing all kinds of things that you dont know about. In my experience, many people feel they are putting on a front, especially mums at home, because very few people are saintly earth mothers which is what people think you have to be.

I think working out of the home may help a lot, I know it's more to juggle, but interacting with other grown-ups and doing purposive tasks other than repetitive cleaning and playing dolls with a three year old can be good for your mental health, or it was for mine anyway.

Cleaning- I am crap at this, but have got some good tips from the FlyLady site, it's full of her ridiculous homilies but it is good for breaking down housework into small manageable chunks so it all seems less overwhelming.

Finally, I would get your PMT sorted, what's your eating like? I found my moods were terrible until I stabilised eating, so eating little healthy and often rather than going ages and eating a choccy bar. Hope the doctor can help on this one.

[Roseflowers]

OP, it sounds to me as though you're possibly suffering from depression or could use some help working through your issues with how you perceive yourself. I think you're being exceptionally hard on yourself and only focusing on your negative qualities, clearly if other people find enjoy being around you and see you in a 'positive' way you can't be all the negative things you think you embody. No one is perfect all the time, no one is a brilliant person all the time! The person your friends see is as much you as this 'real you' you dislike. It may sound silly but try speaking to your doctor and getting yourself referred for counseling if this stuff is really getting you down.

[BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail]

Thank you so much for further kind messages. I'm feeling much better this evening than I was this morning just having got it off my chest here and three hours of The Sound of Music this afternoon.

I'll definitely talk things through with the doctor on Tuesday. Knowing me I'll be having a good day and won't want to make a fuss, but I do know I need to address this. The cycle's been going on too long.

Thank you again.

[swallowedAfly]

it honestly does get easier OP. preschool sessions definitely do help and you wouldn't believe what a difference school makes, and it's not as far off as it may seem.

the confidence/back to work/how will i cope thing gets better too imo. there are no instant result moments but there were definitely periods that felt like coming up from underwater and breathing again for me. a gradual releasing of pressure.

now ds is six and i'm back at work, he full time at school etc and today i had a moment where i missed him being little and being able to swing him up and cuddle him with ease as we were walking along but it is tinged with the reality of knowing how hard those early years were in some ways. being at home, on your own with a small child being their entire universe is hard work. and at the same time as being oppressed by being stuck 'in here' you also lose faith in being able to be 'out there' so it's a weird double whammy of what can feel like hopelessness or being trapped with nowhere to turn for an imagining of better.

i may be painting a grim picture here - i honestly am glad i stayed home with my son and did it the way i did but if by some miracle i had another child this time i'd want to maintain a balance and stay in the world and have a separate me to the single mum on benefits. despite what people think it isn't an easy life.

[swallowedAfly]

there's also this thing of being totally on your own energy reserves - no top ups of soon x will be home and bring new energy into the house or soon i'll get to have a cuddle on the sofa and bit of adult company etc. it's hard going. you have to provide it all to them but also to yourself. it isn't massively surprising that sometimes you are totally drained and don't have any oompf if you like. your batteries aren't getting charged.

sounds like you've made a start with volunteering. just give it time and please don't judge yourself harshly for not being super happy super perfect super exhilerated mum every day. this is totally natural, normal etc. you're putting a lot out without very much being given in - that's not easy x