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I am feeling guilty why did I do that what have I done.I have done a bad thing. Come and flame away

(63 Posts)
freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:08:35

I was going to n/c but I decided not to.

DP works away. A lot. And when he's away he's away and we have very very limited contact. Before he went away the last time we had a very long and serious chat about how much I hated it how it didn't work for me, from his point of view, it's going to be like this for the next 3 years or so and if I wanted not to wait for him that was fine.

So he went away and we are still emailing regularly and I know the first chance he gets the first thing he will do is phone. The emails are friendly but no more, on my part. But I don't think I've been clear that he's a friend not a partner anymore. Because I think I was hedging my bets which is a horrible thing to do.

I am very fond of him he is a lovely bloke but he does not make my heart skip. I am not "in love" with him.

I have an ex who I dumped. I broke his heart. He loves me utterly and totally and I was a bitch. I was in a place where I didn't want a relationship (too soon after end of marriage) and I treated him like crap.

We keep in touch periodically and see each other odd times, we have mutual friends and seeing him makes me grin like a loon. He makes my heart skip flip jump and I love the bones of him.

I have an event to go to that is really important to me. "DP" can't go because he's not in the country at the time of the event. Tickets went on sale yesterday and I bought two.

And texted the ex to say "I have two tickets to go to X would you go with me"

And he has replied "Yes of course I would love to go with you it would be an honour and a privilege"

And we texted back and forward and he's asked me out on a date and I've said maybe.

But I can't tell DP that it's definitely over for another month, not face to face. But then he said I could see other people, and I WANT to try again with the ex.

So come and kick me up the arse please.

picnicbasketcase Sat 13-Apr-13 08:13:42

I think you need to make a clean break before starting a relationship with someone else. If you see the ex it needs to be entirely platonic until you're free to turn it into anything more. It actually sounds like both and 'DP' know it's all over but you should make sure that you're both absolutely clear on that.i

Hassled Sat 13-Apr-13 08:14:05

How bad a thing you've done sort of depends on how much of a relationship you have with DP - how long have you been together? Do you live together, when he's in the UK? Kids together?

Assuming no to all, and he's a short-termish boyfriend who has sort of acknowledged that this isn't really working, then you've only done a bad thing if you don't tell him you're going to this gig with Ex. So email him - I know it's not as good as face to face, but it's still better than not telling him.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Sat 13-Apr-13 08:14:32

Are there kids involved?

Do you think that heart skipping etc is what "love" is?

To be honest I think you should treat your DP with a bit more respect and wait for him to come home.

Kione Sat 13-Apr-13 08:17:54

Your DP told you you could see other people? Then whats the problem?

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:18:16

No kids with "DP" and we don't live together and probably never would.

Been together a year.

I don't love him, I like him a lot but I don't love him. The chat was very serious but I feel like I am stringing him along by still emailing him.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:18:42

sorry - replying to his emails. I don't initiate the emails, he does.

akaWisey Sat 13-Apr-13 08:19:33

What do you want a kick up the arse for, OP?

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:20:35

For hedging my bets. For not ending it properly with "DP" and going no contact. For replying to his emails and being friendly when I know that's sending him a mixed message.

Wishiwasanheiress Sat 13-Apr-13 08:20:39

Are u sure?

Tbh the thread reads a bit like this....

Dp is wonderful but I'm bored. Met ex... Gosh he's exciting! Dp away. Hmmm not sure I love him anymore as life's been bit tough. Sure fancy trying ex out again. Tell me I can.

Sorry because I actually wanted to tell u to trot off with ex thinking this one would be easy. Deal first with life and DP. If ex is real and up for it he will still be interested in another couple of months.

Have really horrible feeling at present that DP would leave and so would ex after the one night. I can't tell u to go down that road of hurt. Sorry sad

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:22:37

DP is not wonderful. He has controlling tendencies that I have to keep in check all the time. Small red flags, more like napkins than flags, but they are still there. He's also very ambitious, very driven and very very selfish, which goes with the ambitious and driven.

Ex will still be there in a couple of months that's true.

akaWisey Sat 13-Apr-13 08:23:31

Sorry cross post.

If all you have are emails to communicate with, tell him that way.He already said it's ok with him for you to see other people so he'd assume there's a risk that you'll meet someone who you prefer to be with (i.e. someone who's actually there to have a relationship with).

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 08:24:03

Why not just send DP an email saying, "now that we have split up I think it would be easier for us to move on if we go no contact from now on. Good luck for the future"
Then you have made a clean break & do what you want guilt free!

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:26:26

I have this important event in June and one other very important event (to me) to go to this summer. I told DP months ago (before Christmas) when they were and asked him to be here for me and he said no.

That was when we had the first of the "this isn't fair or right this is really important to me if I mattered enough to you you'd be there with me" conversations.

akaWisey Sat 13-Apr-13 08:26:52

So I don't see the problem.

nurseneedshelp Sat 13-Apr-13 08:29:02

You don't need flaming!

Listen to your heart, life is far too short to have regrets. If it doesn't work out with your ex then you move on.
As long as you have fun!

It's so much easier if there are no kids involved.

Just end things properly wen your dp gets back from his work trip.
Good luck x

Branleuse Sat 13-Apr-13 08:29:31

you havent done anything wrong imo. There is a possibility that you could end up being dishonest here, but you havent yet. Just tell dp that its over. Youre not living together, no kids, you dont love him and hes given you the green light.

I wouldnt wait either in those circs, but just dont go into a relationship with your ex, and make sure you tell your boyfriend that its not working anymore

akaWisey Sat 13-Apr-13 08:31:52

Except maybe that you'll swop one problem for another. You broke ex DP's heart whilst dating too soon after your marriage ended.

Got together with current DP who isn't available (so you're avoiding something there). Met up again with ex DP who IS available and seems up for anything you've got to offer. Be careful you don't get into a situation where ex swamps you with affection and you end up messing him around again.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:32:39

Controlling things. The way I drive. To the point where he drives all the time. Bossy over where we go and what we do and who pays (always him). Has Expectations over how I dress - subtly expressed but he has them.

Other red flag is how he speaks about his ex. All her fault. None of his responsibility for the break up. He was so good to her etc etc. But he was still working away like he is now and wouldn't change.

All the grand gesture but I want the small stuff.

We have had words about it and he's toned it down but I'm always aware that the potential is there.

Does that make sense?

akaWisey Sat 13-Apr-13 08:34:30

It makes total sense. Current DP isn't capable of really committing to you. If he weren't working away you'd be posting about how controlled you feel - you'd still want help with ending it IMO.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:34:35

My friend said last night "don't you dare break his heart again"

But I've realised over the nearly 2 years since we broke up that I love him. And that every man I've ever been on a date with since gets compared to him and found wanting.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 13-Apr-13 08:35:41

Wisey - that's what I said last night exactly that to my best friend. Current DP only works because I only see him every other weekend at most and less than that when he's away. If he was here all the time I think I'd have ended it already.

Badvoc Sat 13-Apr-13 08:35:57

I think for your own peace of mind you need to finish with dp before seeing your ex.
And as your dp has not really treated you with respect and is controlling, I think finishing by e mail/phone call is fine.
I am sorry to say this, but it doesn't sound like he would be that bothered sad

akaWisey Sat 13-Apr-13 08:37:26

Take off the rose tinted specs. He was a rebound relationship when you were vulnerable and probably needed some validation and a confidence boost.

If you intend to go through with dating ex be honest with him about what you want and above all else go slowly.

SanityClause Sat 13-Apr-13 08:38:09

You need to tell him by email that it is over. That is only fair. The sooner the better.

It's not more fair to string him along for a couple of months so you can tell him face to face. Tell him now, and let him get on with the process of getting over you and the relationship.

Once you have done that, you can start dating other people, including the ex, if you want.

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