I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. He works in mental health in a senior position and his regular hours are 8 - 5 or 6 mon to fri. He also works on the nhs bank in the same field at a much lower grade - nurse technician. When we first got together he was doing ridiculous amounts of bank shifts, ie every weekend, some times both days, and several evening shifts in the week and occasional nights.
After observing this for a while (during which time I witnessed him doing so many bank shifts that he ended up taking a day off his proper job) I tackled him about it, and he agreed that he had difficulty saying no when extra bank shifts came up.
When I tackled the subject with him he first of all said he needed the money. This was utter bollocks and I gently pointed that out. We then got to a stage were he was able to see that working extra was a go to thing when he felt stressed. He then agreed that it was a shit stress buster as it left him fucked. He agreed to cut his bank shifts down to one every other month (this took a little while, he had to wean himself off) He admitted he liked the feeling that people needed him - even though he agreed that wasn't true.
Now, that was a little while ago, and he's still struggling with stress, although he tries to keep this to himself. (that's his answer to stress management!)
I have no problem with him doing bank shifts til they come out of his arse, but I do have issue with it affecting the rest of his life outside of work, cos he's knackered and miserable.
He rang today to say he'd be working late tonight (I take care of his dog during the day.) He sometimes has to in his normal job. He was much later than usual, though, and it suddenly came to me that he might be doing a 'sneaky' bank shift. He rang after he'd finished and started telling me all the reasons he'd had to stay late ie there was some problem on the ward that needed him there blah blah blah, and although they were all perfectly valid and true, I got the whiff of bullshit. I asked him outright, 'did you do a bank shift then?' and he said (after a long pause) yes.
I was livid, but said nothing on the phone. I feel like he's been evasive about it, and said so when I saw him. He got very defensive and said he hadn't meant to, and that's not what he'd set out to do.
I feel like he's being dishonest with himself, and my answer to any kind of problem like this is to try and talk through the issues and understand things more. This seems to bamboozle him and shut him down. I'm not sure how to proceed.
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Relationships
I want to talk, but this seems to render him incapable (long - sorry)
trashcanjunkie · 13/04/2013 01:47
I really don't mind if he doesn't stop bogey
I really do mind that he was evasive about it on the phone today/ I mind that when I said so, he said he felt genuinely that he was not. That then makes me feels like he's a) not being honest with me and b) not being honest with himself...
D'you know what I mean? He was doing 'excuse' type talk, like first of all saying stuff along the lines of 'I had to/There was this huge problem only I could solve'
Later on when I put these things to him he agrees that those things he said weren't entirely accurate, but he just kind of throws them out of his mouth without thinking. That leads me to think he's kidding himself about his motivations.
Now, my issue with this is, I can't be doing with bullshit. Have your reasons for doing what you do, and that's ok with me. If your spouting crap, and that can happen to the best of us - be prepared to be challenged on it. And not in a shitty way - reasonable discussion is what I'm after, as well as looking at things from both sides. But this panics him for some reason. When I've challanged him in the past he has taken a couple of days and then seen my point, but it's very frustrating not to be able to just sensibly discuss stuff.
on an entirely separate note - I'm blummin grateful you're still up and posting. I can't fecking sleep 
And, to focus on YOUR thread 
if he is lying about it then he clearly knows that something isnt right. Like an alcoholic saying "it was a wedding, it would have been rude not to have champagne". It does sound like an addiction.
I am not sure what you can do though. If this was long standing marriage I would be suggesting counselling, but after a year of seeing each other I have to admit that I would probably bail. Relationships do have their ups and downs but it shouldnt be such hard work after one short year.
I am going to exercise patience and wait this out
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