ht dnauw iWas hoping to get some advice and suggestions for coping with, or overcoming an ongoing issue. Been putting off posting for s while as I have my good and bad days but things are getting worse mentally for me.
DH and I have been married three years, have two DS's and I have two more from previous marriage.i've never been a jealous person and I'm blessed to recognise I have good qualities myself. However since DH and I get together ive always been insanely jealous of his Ex who he doesn't really see or speak with. We're of different cultures and his ex was a superb housewife, cook etc, whereas I'm more academically minded. That aside, I'm forever being self critical and feel like I'm going mad, as at times literally everything I do I'm comparing myself to her, e.g. 'well shed havedone it better' and the like. My DH is wonderful and patient with me, but did admit he loved her more than he loves me, but that he doesn't love her now. They had a largely happy marriage for twenty years, married at sixteen and shared all their 'first' experiences together. DH says he is hundred percent confident that he will grow to love me even more than he did her in time. I admire his honesty and he really is lovely with me and never compares us openly ever. I can understand the reality of what he says too, that love takes time to deepen - so why does it hurt so much!
The main problem is that my jealousy could ruin our marriage, as I am so resentful I become v difficult and argumentative. I subject him to hours of interrogation about 'why di d he love her more'
Sorry posted too soon - blame the phone. Anyway, I interrogate him and he asks me to stop and I can't. I am loathe to do anything nice for him or become emotionally close because I tell myself i ''ll always be number two ... Even though he reassures me I'm the only woman in his life. it therefore becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, in that I push him away and generally feel v bitter towards him, over something in the past which neither of us can erase. Who would deeply love somebody when they act in a resentful closed off manner like me. It's all so complicated. Has anyone else experienced this and do u think counselling might help me? Thanks so much in advance.
Yeah, I have to say I thought the exact same as Eternal.
Your husband has created this jealousy, and is now blaming you for it. He's created a feeling of being second best, and an environment where you have to compete with an old partner in order to ensure he eventually loves you more.
You may say you appreciate his honesty, and that he begs you not to interrogate him, but I think he's played you. He's made you think that this is completely normal. It is not.
You have been married for three years and have two children together, and yet he has left you under no illusion that he settled for you, and that you are second best. I'm not sure that counselling can save that, but it would help you gain an understanding of how wrong his behaviour is, and it'd probably help you to leave him if that was what you decide to do. In terms of saving the relationship, you are in a tough place. I'm not sure he can redeem what he's done, and you are the one that suffers for it.
It was pretty tactless to actually say that he loved her more than he does you, but I can understand how that mixture of hormones and lust and 'first times' and youth could create a more intense feeling that is very hard to replicate as you get older.
Definitely try counselling, because the constant comparisons and interrogations will end your relationship.
Can only agree with the posters above, that is an awful thing to have to hear. If my DH told me he had loved his ex more than he loved me I would kindly deliver a suitcase of his belongings to her house. That is a total headfuck!
I really don't know what to suggest, as once heard, it can't really be unheard Please don't feel crazy for feeling jealous though, I think most people would in your situation.
Hmmm, he does need to take some blame for that comment! I didn't want to drip feed but typing on phone rather than pc making it hard to give detail. We are from a faith where we do not engage in dating before marriage, which whilst isn't everyones cup of tea, it is what I believe to be right for me. So the getting to know each other happens after marriage ...
In fairness he would never have said he loved her more than I had I not verbally backed him into a corner.. But I'm not sure what is worse, hearing that, or if he would have lied.
Wow u are helping me see he does have more of a part to play in my feelings than I initially thought, it's good to hear. Thanks. I'm too soft at times, I feel like a total victim now! But in all seriousness should he have lied to save my feelings? I can't erase his past...
You are more academic. That's a good thing. My DP's ex was very stupid (failed her GCSEs and then left school) and he says that he really appreciates my intelligence and being able to talk to me on his level (we were at uni together). Don't underestimate that! Regardless of their history, he has chosen to be with you now.
I do think he sees their marriage through rose tinted glasses. Ive been told by others she was Mrs perfect in the home, but calculating and manipulative, wrapped him round her little finger and financially exploited him hence him leaving her. He honestly never mentions her, it's only when I grill him or his sister's that I find things out. God it's like I purposely want to hurt myself, definitely I have issues, just how to resolve them..
He says he just wants to move on and get on with his life - asks me why do I keep dragging it all back up! That said he was critical of my housekeeping at first so I feel that unspoken comparisons were made, more the unsaid rather than the overt