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He isn't going to give it up and I'll have to move house - your words of wisdom please.

(8 Posts)
richardandjudy Fri 12-Apr-13 18:10:29

I am a regular but have nc for this, apologies that it is long.

I left STBXH in October, when his EA escalated into DV.
On the advice of Police and with the help of MN - thank you everyone -my DD and I left.

We slept on friend's floors and sofas for a few days until we found a place to rent, so far so great.
Although it hasn't always been easy DD and I have been much happier since we moved, our lives have improved immesurably but I'm going to resist the temptation to bang on about that now!

STBXH and I live in the same small town we both grew up in so all of our friends are mutual friends.
STBXH owns a small building firm here.
Sometimes STBXH casually employs people, sometimes skilled but usually labourers to help him with a job, they work for him temporarily until a job has finished.

Since leaving STBXH I haven't seen him to speak to, there have been a few exchanges of curt emails about practical matters and nothing more, so contact between us has been minimal, which is just how I like it!

Unbeknown to me at the time STBXH laid off the labourer he had working for him just before Christmas, in itself this is no business of mine.
A week or two later STBXH employed the DH (I'll call him Pete) of one of the good friends who had allowed us to sleep on their floor before we moved into our new house, they were very good to us.
To compound the situation further I live very close to these friends, our houses are diagonally back to back.

I knew Pete was working for STBXH and whilst it made me uncomfortable it meant work and an income for Pete and his wife which is important and I would only wish them the best.

Then as time has gone on STBXH has persuaded Pete and his wife that I was lying about the EA and DV (even though as my friends they both knew what was happening before we left him).
Now, on the rare occasions I see them they are frosty with me at best and sometimes they are downright unpleasant, they make snide comments about things they think I did wrong. In truth, I didn't do much wrong during my marriage because he kept such a hold over me that STBXH knew exactly where I was and what I was doing, which was usually whatever he told me to.

Fast forward to now and STBXH has ingratiated himself with them to such an extent that he is round their house all the time, they don't allow smoking in the house so he goes into the back graden for a cigarette which means he looks directly into the back of my house.
He does this a few times a week and all the while stares into my house. He doesn't say or do anything but his menacing presence is 'there'.

He feeds them information, some of which they share with other mutual friends of mine, to their credit the other friends continue to support me but this means that STBXH is often discussed, which keeps him in my thoughts and our conversations although I don't want him there at all.

Invariably, STBXH is charming and sinister (a few comments he made during our marriage made me realise that he is capable of real evil) and he is using his company to maintain his hold on my life, albeit minimally.

I've rambled enough here so over to you now, what can I do?

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Apr-13 18:25:12

You can't change what he tells your friends (or not friends anymore) and you can't control where he goes in their house (unless he said anything or did anything directly harassing). The only thing you can do is a) care less about where he is/what he does and if anyone raises the topic in conversation then move on and don't discuss it (find a close down response that works for you) or b) move away from this whole area or at least to another rental so that you can be freer of this situation, it all sounds very overentwined and while you are living there, you will never be free of bumping in to him or his name cropping up in conversation.

I guess it depends how much you want to stay there and what support you get- is there a way you could move a way away but still get what you need?

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Apr-13 18:26:55

And, if friends or acquaintances say anything to you, be the bigger person. I'm sure mud does stick in this situation and they may not be as believing as you think but they are financially dependent on him now. So, if anyone says anything say 'well, there are two sides to every story' or 'hmm, that's interesting' and nothing else. Don't engage about it and don't try to prove you are right, you know you are and that is enough.

seriouscakeeater Fri 12-Apr-13 18:40:15

Sounds like you were very brave in the whole process, you know what really happened, it doesn't matter what any one else thinks believes. You cant make any choose sides, which its clearly come down too. You have over come the hardest part - leaving - well done you. flowers

What you have to decide now is..
a) can you bear seeing him, knowing he is still trying to intimidate you and will persevere OR
b) can you move completely out the area for a new start, can you finically afford it?

I don't know anything about your past threads sorry, does DD still see him?

richardandjudy Fri 12-Apr-13 19:30:58

I don't much care about seeing him, or him cropping up in conversation, by staying here I knew that it would be a possiblity and I was prepared for that. We stayed here because my family and DD's friends are here and on balance it seemed like the right thing to do. I don't engage in conversation about him at all.

I find the intimidation difficult to live with, despite everything I am still very scared of him.

In moving out we went from a fairly comfortable existance (financially) to claiming some housing benefit. I do work but I don't earn much.
Saving for the deposit for another rented property + 1 months rent (approx £1400) in this area would take years.
DD is in her teens and settled at school so moving a long way away is not really an option in the near future.

DD doesn't see him because he isn't her father and she doesn't want to see him, although he brought her up for 10 years and I wouldn't stop her from seeing him.
STBXH hasn't asked to see her either, his abuse escalated dangerously in the last two months before we left and she knew about some of it, she and I had already begun to make a plan to save money and leave but the situation became too dangerous for us to stay.

richardandjudy Fri 12-Apr-13 19:33:22

Sorry, I should have said I would have let DD see STBXH but with some caveats in order to keep her safe.

armagh Fri 12-Apr-13 19:48:15

How did Pete and his wife, your friend, change so quickly from being supportive to being nasty?

richardandjudy Fri 12-Apr-13 20:00:00

It wasn't a quick change, firstly, it has taken more than 4 months.
I'm not sure Pete's wife is anti me at all, i haven't spoken to her alone, when I first heard Pete was working for STBXH I gave them a wide berth. I saw them a couple of times over Christmas (to take presents to their children & have a drink with them) but it was obvious then that Pete felt uncomfortable with the situation so I decided to leave them be.
I was (and am) pleasant when I see them but I don't go to visit them anymore.

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